


Love in The Time of COVID-19

by cabernet_franc



Series: Love in The Time of COVID-19 - The Expanded Edition [1]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Coronavirus, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, I cant believe Im using these tags omg, I guess you can call it that?, I swear Im not romanticizing it though, It is technically a romance, It takes place in a few weeks though so can you call it that?, Its honestly helping me cope with all this, Pining, Quarantine, Roommates, Slow Burn, also a lot of, but there's a lot of social criticism in it too?, ish, please dont cancel me, there's also a lot of, to help us get through this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 39,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23237392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabernet_franc/pseuds/cabernet_franc
Summary: “I’m leaving as well, to help take care of my mother since we’ll probably need to let go of her nurses… but I can reach out to the faculty, we’ll find some place for you if it’s needed. There will be several students in a similar position, I presume, and all of the international students as well, maybe the administration can reconsider letting the dorms open or-”“Thanks, Professor Gideon, but that isn’t necessary. I’ll figure something out, there’s no need to involve the faculty.”“Ms. Sharpe, it’s not a-““I mean it, Professor. I’ll befine.”Her resigned tone was so different from her usually challenging, infuriating one that it made Sara’s stomach drop. A vague idea started to form in her brain, so ludicrous that she tried to push it down before it took form. She couldn’t possibly… there was justno way, it was the worst-“You can stay with me,” she blurted out, shocking all three of them. It seemed to work as a defibrillator on Ava, because suddenly all the fire was back to her eyes.“Are youinsane?”ORSara and Ava do social-distancing together
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Series: Love in The Time of COVID-19 - The Expanded Edition [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827697
Comments: 261
Kudos: 503





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so, this happened lol
> 
> It's day 7 of being completely alone with nothing to do because my college is refusing to do online classes so far, and things are really tough, and everyone was joking about this sort of story and it might be that my brain is already melting, but I just felt the need to do this hahahaha
> 
> As I said in the tags, I'm not romanticizing this because I don't think it's fair to everyone that's suffering (including me and my dad who's doing chemo at the moment), so it kinda verges into the difficult realities the whole world is facing. So expect some ( _mainly_ social) angst  
> That said, it will have a loooot of fluff, because this is meant to help me cope with all the stress and it's actually how I wish my social isolation was going? Hahahahaha nothing like some love to lift us up
> 
> I decided to share this as I write it because maybe it can help someone to deal with these trying times too, so it means I'm posting on the fly, which is not something I usually do, but I figured it's better to post as fast I possibly can? So expect this to update fast.  
> This also means I have a more vague idea about where this is going than usually, so if you guys have any prompts or thoughts about future developments you can tell me in the comments!
> 
> Anyways, about the story, I set it in Central City so Sara would have a reason to have her own apartment? Honestly it's just wherever, it doesn't really matter to this story.  
> Also, I apologize about my academics making a short appearance in this story, but they're college kids and I honestly thing that if they ever studied Theory of State they would clash about their opinions hahaha it's just one line though, so you can just ignore it lmao  
> I'm still figuring out the timeline for the USA because I'm not from there, but this starts a couple weeks back when colleges started to close down and people were starting social distancing
> 
> The tittle for this is a play with the title of the book "Love in The Time of Cholera", by Gabriel García Márquez, which is an honest to god _masterpiece_ and a great idea for something to read (:
> 
> Hope y'all are safe all over the world! Let's all support each other whichever way we can and this too shall pass.

Sara wasn’t going to say anything. She really wasn’t. But as she made her way out of the classroom, she happened to overhear her whining about how unfair the whole thing was, how it would affect all of her _plans_ , and it was such an individualistic point of view that she couldn’t hold it in.

“Woah there, Sharpe, careful not to pop a vein or something,” she quipped, making her way over to the other girl and a very apologetic-looking Professor Gideon. “You know, I’m sure this _sucks_ for you, but have you considered that it sucks for everyone else, too? That there are people worse off than us, who can’t afford to take time off, or are part of the risk group and could be in actual danger? I know it’s an _inconvenience_ to all of us, but everyone must do their part. It’s called thinking collectively, you should try it sometimes.”

The professor had just announced at the end of the class that there would be an official announcement later that day informing everyone that Central City University was suspending _in loco_ classes effective immediately and shutting down completely for the semester on Monday because of the COVID-19 outbreak. All classes would be taking place online, and all students had up to one week to leave campus – with the recommendation that they start social isolation as soon as possible. It was far from ideal: it would compromise the quality of her classes, taking away most of the interactions and debates that made them interesting. It would also mean staying away from a lot of people she loved. As a junior, she already had less than a year and a half with them as it was, so it _sucked_.

But that didn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary measure to try to avoid the collapse of their already fragile healthcare system.

“ _Of course_ you would say that,” Ava scoffed, turning to her with a burning gaze. “ _Of course_ you would assume I _can_ afford this, just because _you_ can. For someone who’s accusing me of not thinking about the collective, you sure are very self-centered.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Girls, why don’t we take a deep breath? This a very stressf-“ tried Professor Gideon, only to be cut off by Ava.

“Did you even stop to _consider_ that some people depend on student housing? Or student jobs? Or, you know, the cafeteria _food_?”

Sara felt the blood drain from her face. _Fuck,_ she was an asshole.

“I-“

“I know it’s hard for you to grasp that, but some people don’t have the luxury to live out your carefree lifestyle. Some of us _have_ to care about everything or we’re screwed.”

“Ava, I’m sorry, I didn’t think-“

“No, you didn’t think, you _never_ do! You just _had_ to come here and insult me when I’m already panicking because I’ll be essentially homeless and broke in a week!”

“Take a deep breath, Ms. Sharpe. We’ll think of something together, ok?” Said Professor Gideon, walking around her desk and putting a hand on Ava’s shoulder.

“Ava, I- can’t you go back to your family or…” Sara tried, but the look Ava shot her was all the answer she needed. “Ok, well, couldn’t you stay with a friend? There’s Nora, and there must be other people.”

“No.” Ava’s tone was suddenly deflated, as if she’d exhausted all her energy with her outburst. “We were talking about this over the weekend, because we knew there was a chance it might happen… they’re going away, all _three_ of my friends, and I really can’t afford to buy plane tickets anywhere right now, no matter how cheap they are. Specially since I won’t have the chance to earn any more money in a while, apparently.”

“I’m leaving as well, to help take care of my mother since we’ll probably need to let go of her nurses… but I can reach out to the faculty, we’ll find some place for you if it’s needed. There will be several students in a similar position, I presume, and all of the international students as well, maybe the administration can reconsider letting the dorms open or-”

“Thanks, Professor Gideon, but that isn’t necessary. I’ll figure something out, there’s no need to involve the faculty.”

“Ms. Sharpe, it’s not a-“

“I mean it, Professor. I’ll be _fine_.”

Her resigned tone was so different from her usually challenging, infuriating one that it made Sara’s stomach drop. A vague idea started to form in her brain, so ludicrous that she tried to push it down before it took form. She couldn’t possibly… there was just _no way,_ it was the worst-

“You can stay with me,” she blurted out, shocking all three of them. It seemed to work as a defibrillator on Ava, because suddenly all the fire was back to her eyes.

“Are you _insane_?”

“No! I mean, I live alone and being on lockdown by myself for god knows how long would be so bad for my mental health that even _your_ company would be a better alternative.” Why was she trying so hard to convince the other girl of this ridiculous idea? What the hell was _wrong_ with her? 

“Oh, such high praise,” Ava rolled her eyes. “Aren’t you going to stay with your family?”

“Wasn’t planning to.”

“Why?” she frowned at her.

“Oh, I don’t know, someone has to take care of my plants? Will you stop deflecting?” groaned Sara.

“I’m not some charity case, Lance. Or one of your _causes_.”

“Come on, _Ava_ ,” Professor Gideon interrupted, startling them both with the use of her first name. “In times like these, we need to help each other out. Ms. Lance is just doing her part. And she’s got a point, social isolation can be very straining on one’s psyche. Maybe it could be mutually beneficial.”

“Yes, Sharpe, quit being so damn stubborn for once in your life. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

She _wasn’t?_

“ _Sara_ , come on, we’ll kill each other on the first day! You hate me,” Ava said, sounding as if Sara had a gun pointed at her instead of potentially saving her from a very bad situation. _Figures._

“I don’t _hate_ you, stop being so dramatic,” she said, taking a deep breath. “It’s just to buy you some time until you figure things out, alright? It’s no biggie. And you can cook, if it makes you feel better, because I can’t make anything other than a fried egg.”

“This is _crazy_.”

“Well, these are some crazy times.”

\---

She had _desperately_ tried to find somewhere else to go, even going as far as to consider Professor Gideon’s offer to reach out to the faculty – but the idea of ending up in some random person’s home was even less enticing than spending time with Sara Lance. In the end, it appeared to be her only realistic shot at having a roof over her head for a while, and maybe she should count her blessings.

If she was being honest, the idea had thrown her off a great deal: it had been so _nice_ of Sara, especially since she was sure the other girl wasn’t so thrilled about it either, and that was so off character it made her anxious.

They’d had an instant dislike for each other ever since they met, during a lecture for Intro to Political Science on freshman year, when they’d gotten into a heated debate about Rousseau and the social contract theory (in which Sara predictably insisted it was based in a myth to cover up for the fact that the State was founded on slavery and domination, while an increasingly aggravated Ava argued that order and a certain sacrifice of freedom were necessary to sustain life in society). By the time they were practically yelling “anarchist” and “mindless bot” at one another, Professor Hunter had to intervene. After that, there was hardly a time when they didn’t antagonize each other in their shared classes, much to everyone else’s despair.

When Sara’s friend Ray and Nora began dating by sophomore year, their active rivalry seeped into personal territory, with Sara going out of her way to annoy her with snide comments every time they were forced to participate in social activities together.

(Ava _did_ initiate the attack sometimes, she supposed, but only because Sara was always throwing those infuriating smirks and smug looks at her all the time)

Which is why she couldn’t get the concerned expression on the other girl’s face off her mind. It was so devoid of challenge and conflict, almost… _soft_. It made her feel displaced somehow, as if this crisis had created some sort of parallel universe she was now living in.

So it was only out of absolute necessity and with careful hesitation that she found herself getting out of her Uber on Saturday in front of the address Sara had texted her, a small building with brick walls and small balconies, pretty ordinary, but nice. She hit the buzzer and was immediately let in, sighing when she noticed there was no elevator, suddenly glad she didn’t own much stuff. Before she knew it, her heart was speeding as she rang the bell for apartment 34A, her new home for at least the next few weeks.

“Hey!” said Sara, with an awkward smile, letting her in. “Welcome to my humble abode.”

She felt a little better about her irrational surge of nerves as she took in Sara’s fidgeting and realized she was just as anxious about this whole thing as her.

“So, I got some baby wipes and alcohol and I can, you know, disinfect your things – wow, only _one_ suitcase?” continued her, frowning slightly and looking out of sorts. “Ok, hm, so… I can do that while you wash your hands? Or if you want to shower too, I don’t know if that’s necessary but, I mean, I guess it couldn’t hurt and-“

“Yeah, okay, that sounds good,” she interrupted, taking her out of her misery.

“What, washing your hands or showering?”

“I guess you’re right, it wouldn’t hurt to shower.” She had already showered earlier, and she wasn’t sure she needed to do it again, but she didn’t want to make Sara nervous on top of inconveniencing her with her presence. Or risk thanking her for her hospitality by infecting her, for that matter.

“Okay, I left some clean towels in there already, just leave your clothes at the laundry basked and we can wash them later,” she said, nodding along every word with a serious face. It was cute.

_What?_

“I – y-yes, sounds good,” Ava stuttered, turning around quickly and only then realizing she had no idea where the bathroom was. She glanced around the room, pretending to be casually taking it in. It was small but comfy, an open concept space with white walls, a small island and a nice enough kitchen, and a living room with a cozy looking couch and a big TV. She didn’t know what she expected, but the décor was surprisingly _clean_ and tasteful, just some small and exotic looking objects adorning the room. “It’s really nice in here.”

“Yes, it’s my personal haven,” she heard Sara reply with a chuckle. “The bathroom is down the hallway, on the door to the right. Left knob for the hot water.”

She was so intent on not thinking about the insanity of their situation or, worse yet, that nonsense by the door, that it was only halfway into the shower that she realized she didn’t have anything to wear.

_Motherfucker._

\---

Sara was a bit stunned, to be honest. She had rambled nonstop when Ava arrived, trying to adjust somehow to the unusual situation they’d found themselves in. It was _weird_ : Ava Sharpe, prim and proper and with-a-stick-up-her-ass Ava Sharpe, was now living with her for indeterminate time. But even weirder was the fact that ever since that day in class, she couldn’t find it in herself any of that confrontation she’d always felt towards her.

She’d always assumed, by the sharp, professional clothes, annoying use of fancy words to make a point and overall love of order and structure, that Ava came from some privileged, WASP-y background. Which, again, made her a judgmental prick.

But knowing that she’d been so far off the mark all this time made her question all her past interactions with the girl, all the reasons behind her behaviors and stances. She had found herself unable to stop thinking all week long about _who the hell_ was Ava. What had happened with her family? Did she even have one?

She even considered sending Nora a text, but stopped herself, knowing it would be way too intrusive and disrespectful of Ava’s privacy. But she couldn’t shake this sudden need to _understand_ the other girl. And it felt _odd_.

They’d texted cordially all week, with Sara inquiring about things like favorite snacks, and did she drink, and what did she drink, as she went grocery shopping for them, or did she like to play cards or Scrabble and so forth, all to which Ava kept giving increasingly frustrating answers like ‘whatever you like is fine’. She didn’t want the other girl to feel like she was in her debt or anything like that, specially since it would only make things more awkward between them, but she didn’t know how to make it better. So, she decided to just be nice and try to put her at ease – treat the situation as normal as possible.

 _Which she clearly didn’t know how to do_ , she thought, as they both sat down face to face in a very uncomfortable silence, waiting for their frozen pizza to be ready. Ava had barely said a word ever since Sara had knocked on the door to the bathroom an hour ago, wondering if everything was ok after the shower had been turned off for 30 minutes and there was no sign of her. She’d been shocked when the other girl told her she had no clothes to wear ( _was she just going to sit there naked forever_?), quickly asking for permission to open her suitcase and get her something, feeling a pang in her heart as she noticed how little Ava owned.

Ever since then she’d been trying to make conversation, asking her what had the campus been like these last couple of days, what would she prefer to eat, did she want a beer, maybe some wine, all to which she kept receiving noncommittal answers or shrugs. Even as she went on and on about the news, Ava only nodded and glanced around the room, until she couldn’t take it anymore.

“ _Ava,”_ she snapped, making the other girl jump in her stool. “Come on! I know this is very weird, it’s weird for me too, _trust me_ , and I know you’re probably feeling you owe it to me to be nice out of gratitude or some crap, but seriously, I’d prefer if you were calling me names right now than all this walking-around-on-eggshells thing you’ve got going on, ok? It’s creeping me out.”

“I’m sorry,” was all she said, averting her eyes.

“Ugh,” Sara groaned. This was not going well. “No, don’t apologize… look, I just want you to feel comfortable, okay? This is not ideal, and you’ve got a lot going on, but it will go a lot smoother if we can just relax around each other. If that means you’ll have to go off at me from time to time, that’s ok. Alright? I need you to understand that you don’t owe me anything for this.”

Ava shot her a skeptical look.

“ _So_ …” she started, choosing to ignore it. “How about we start with you telling me what you’d like to do right now? Anything.”

“We can do whate-“

“Don’t you _dare_ say it,” she interrupted, pointing a finger at her. “I mean it. It’s your choice tonight. I’ll pick tomorrow.”

“Argh, ok,” Ava rolled her eyes at her, and suddenly things felt more normal. “Maybe we can just watch a movie?”

“Alright! I knew you had it in you,” she laughed, trying to ignore how sheepish the other girl looked and the strange way it made her feel. “Come on, Sharpe. Go pick a movie while I get this pizza ready.”

Things moved a lot easier after that. She got the pizza out of the oven, grabbed them a couple of beers, and made her way to the couch, trying to refrain from groaning as her new roommate took an eternity to choose something for them to watch, saying only that the food was getting cold.

“Why am I not surprised you’re going for more politics in the middle of all this?” Sara laughed as Ava finally settled on the AOC doc Netflix had produced.

“It’s precisely in times like this that people should be thinking about politics, Lance,” she smirked back, seeming as relieved as Sara at their familiar banter.

“We can always find some balance, you know? We need some light-hearted fun as well,” Sara said, finding that she actually enjoyed the back-and-forth like this, devoid of its usual bite.

“Does that mean you’re picking _Peter Pan_ next?”

“Oh, just you wait,” she muttered, just as Ava hit play.

_Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo  
> The "enemies" part ended pretty quickly right? lol  
> It wasn't supposed to but honestly I don't care hahah  
> It doesn't mean they won't clash anymore (they _are_ stuck together in a small apartment after all), but it's all uphill from now.  
> We _will_ get more of their backstories, and plenty of lovely tropes as well
> 
> I hope you guys don't hate me for writing this, but it's been _really_ helpful to help me process all this. 
> 
> See you soon and please comment if you can (:


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was so caught up in thought that she didn’t even notice Sara coming back into the room, yoga mat in hand. As a matter of fact, she only noticed her when she let out a long sigh, kneeling on her left knee and bending the right one in front of her, arms lifted overhead.
> 
> _Holy shit._
> 
> She was barefoot, wearing only very, _very_ revealing shorts and a sports bra, and Ava’s brain short-circuited. She wasn’t blind, she _knew_ Sara was objectively attractive, and that a _lot_ of people thought that too from the way there was always someone flirting with her in class or at the few parties they had attended together. But she didn’t know she was this _fit_. Her arms, her legs, everything was so toned, and her abs were just – there were no words for them. At the same time, she still looked soft and petite somehow and the contrast was doing things to her head and –
> 
> “You know, it’s considered impolite to stare,” Sara’s voice cut through her trance, and she could practically _hear_ her smirk. _Shit, shit, shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all!  
> This took longer than I expected, for a bunch of reasons:  
> My parents are living at my place right now because of my dad's treatment, and I love them to pieces but wow,  
> I'd forgotten how much we can stress each other out (being in confinement is and added bonus lol), specially when my dad is being a classic boomer and wants to go out and about all the time.  
> Also, I had to define the timeline for this and it took a loooot of research, because I'm a perfectionist and insane, so, yeah.  
> Aaaaaaand I had to write a fighting scene, which was just WOW so hard, since I know _absolutely nothing_ about fighting except that it's _hot_ , so I had to do some research on that as well. As a gesture of respect to _all_ of us, I kept it as vague as I could, and short too (thank god for Ava for being so fucking thirsty!)
> 
> About the story:  
> I figured out the timeline and this takes place on Sunday, March 15th! It's kinda important because they'll discuss events going on and stuff, so just to give you and idea of what's happening then.  
> This chapter is mostly from Ava's POV, and well, she's all over the place, because she's under so much stress, the poor baby. And now she has one more thing to worry about.  
> It's mostly filler-ish, but there are important realizations and some fun, and it's important to move things along, so I hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> As always, I hope you're all doing well and staying safe.

Sara had walked into the living room at 9:30 a.m. to find Ava already typing away on her bulky-looking laptop, the bedding set she’d used to sleep on the couch already folded in a tidy pile by her side.

“Good morning!” she greeted her, heading for the kitchen. “Did you eat?”

“Uhm, no, not yet.”

“You haven’t?” she frowned. “How long have you been up?”

“Not long,” answered Ava, looking away. “Just for like, half an hour or so.”

“Right.” She could tell she was lying but felt it was better not to say anything. “So, coffee? Eggs? I don’t really know how to make anything other than that. And toast.”

“Sure, that sounds great,” she said, moving her hand to close her laptop.

“No, I got it, you can continue… what _are_ you doing?”

“I’m summarizing some texts for my classes, it helps me understand them better and retain the information,” she replied in a serious tone.

“You’re _studying_?” Sara raised an eyebrow as Ava nodded. “You do know that we’re technically on Spring Break this week, right?”

“So? I usually spend it catching up with classes anyway, and with the whole moving online thing I think it’s more important than ever to study hard, to make up for all we’re going to miss.”

“God, you’re such a _nerd,”_ she said, smirking.

Ava rolled her eyes and went back to typing.

\---

She was trying hard to concentrate, but it was getting more and more difficult as Sara kept alternating between gasping, groaning and laughing at her phone for the past couple of hours. She didn’t want to say anything, though, with this being her house and all, so she ignored it as best as she could.

“Oh my god, this is great!” Sara exclaimed just as she was getting into a rhythm again. “Apparently there was this guy in Tennessee who bought 17000 hand sanitizers and was reselling them at very high prices, and the New York Times exposed him and now he’s donating all of it _and_ being investigated for price-gouging. Take _that_.”

“Wow, that’s terrible. It’s human nature at its worst,” she replied, trying to get back to her text.

“It’s not _human nature_. It’s capitalism!” Sara said, sitting up and looking ready for one of their ideological bouts.

“You know what I mean,” Ava groaned, not wanting to get into it. “I’m glad the government is intervening, though. Makes you feel glad about all the _rules_ , right?”

“You’re ridiculous,” she laughed, plopping down on the couch again, seeming oddly satisfied without a fight. Ava was able to get through one more paragraph of the text before Sara interrupted her again. “Shit, it says here there were 368 deaths in Italy in just the last 24 hours! _Jesus fuck_.”

“ _Sara,_ could you please let me finish this?” she spat before she could stop herself.

“Did you _hear_ what I just said? How can you sit there so calm and _study_ right now? The entire world is crumbling, and people are suffering because of this fucked up system we have in place and you’re thinking about _homework_?”

“Well, it’s certainly more useful than scrolling down social media for two hours straight.” _Well, there goes the cease-fire._

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was in the presence of the productivity police,” she said, narrowing her eyes at her. “Just so you know, I saw this great work-out routine that I’m going to try now.”

“Okay,” she replied, already starting to regret her small outburst. She’d always been so good at self-control, but Sara had a way of pushing her buttons that she couldn’t understand. “Good for you.”

She didn’t even bother answering, getting up from the couch and disappearing into her room. “ _Great,”_ she thought, “ _day two and this is already getting intolerable. I knew it was never going to work.”_ She tried focusing on the words in front of her, but apparently Sara could manage to disrupt her thoughts even when she wasn’t there.

She knew she hadn’t been fair. She was a guest at her house – not even the most wanted one, at that – and it _was_ a Sunday. In the middle of a social breakdown. Sara had every right to obsess about the news or to distract herself with memes or cat videos or whatever it was she kept laughing at _. “She had every right to do_ _whatever she wanted”_ , she reminded herself, especially after she’d gone out of her way to make Ava feel welcomed and comfortable.

It’s just that there was so much uncertainty in her life right now, studying was all she had to keep her from snapping. The structure and cadence of reading and writing had become her own form of therapy over the years, grounding her and giving her purpose. It was what she _did_. And Sara kept distracting her and _laughing_ and the fact that she had no right to ask her for anything only put her more on edge.

She was so caught up in thought that she didn’t even notice Sara coming back into the room, yoga mat in hand. As a matter of fact, she only noticed her when she let out a long sigh, kneeling on her left knee and bending the right one in front of her, arms lifted overhead.

_Holy shit._

She was barefoot, wearing only very, _very_ revealing shorts and a sports bra, and Ava’s brain short-circuited. She wasn’t blind, she _knew_ Sara was objectively attractive, and that _a lot_ of people thought that too from the way there was always someone flirting with her in class or at the few parties they had attended together. But she didn’t know she was this _fit._ Her arms, her legs, everything was so toned, and her abs were just – there were no words for them. At the same time, she still looked soft and petite somehow and the contrast was doing things to her head and –

“You know, it’s considered impolite to stare,” Sara’s voice cut through her trance, and she could practically _hear_ her smirk. _Shit, shit, shit._

“Your posturing is wrong,” she blurted out, noticing only then that Sara had shifted into some sort of side arch position where both of her hands were holding her right foot and _wow_ , she was flexible.

Sara snorted. “You’re aware I’m a black belt in four types or martial arts _and_ I do Yoga, right?”

“I-“ _What?_ “No way.”

“My dad’s got me training since I was three.”

“What – uhm, what styles?”

“Eskrima, Jiu Jitsu, Karate and Taekwondo,” she said with a cheery voice.

“ _Jesus_ , Sara! You’re a fucking ninja.”

“I can take care of myself,” she shrugged, a little awkwardly since her entire torso was now pressed against the floor.

“Yeah, I bet,” Ava said, trying her hardest to avert her eyes as Sara got up and pulled one leg behind her back, cheeks a bit pink. “I’m actually pretty decent at kickboxing, and when I was a teen my friend’s dad taught me some Muay Thai.”

“ _Really_?” Sara asked, tilting her head. “I never would’ve guessed. I thought you were more of a bookworm kind of girl.”

“People have layers, Sara, we don’t just have _one_ interest in life,” she tried to keep her tone stern, but the amused look Sara was throwing at her made it hard. “Plus, with how well you do in class, I’m sure you’re secretly a nerd too.”

“Nope, I’m a natural _,_ ” she grinned in that infuriating, smug way of hers. “Wait, so you’re admitting you _are_ one?”

“Don’t push your luck.”

She laughed (and Ava supposed it wasn’t the _worst_ of sounds, after all), and then her eyes widened, and she smiled in such a mischievous wat it made her a bit scared. “We should spar!”

“What? You mean, _right now?_ ” she asked, looking around the room as Sara nodded. “Where? There’s barely any room for you to stretch.”

“We could push off the couch!” Sara said, pouting as Ava shook her head, looking both menacing and endearing.

_Oh fuck, not this again._

“Come on, I have been holed up in here for almost a week already, I miss training. _Pretty please?”_

“Sara, I don’t know…” she groaned, already feeling her resolution crumble.

“ _Why_? Are you afraid I’m gonna kick your ass?” she asked, moving closer and making Ava _very_ afraid. “I can take it easy on you.”

“Oh, shut up,” said Ava, rolling her eyes. How did she get into her head so easily? “It’s you that’s going to need me to ‘take it easy’”

Sara snorted again, and then she gave her a lopsided smile that made her look just like a spoiled kid who’d gotten what she wanted. Ava sighed and got up, picking out some exercise clothes and moving to the bathroom to change. By the time she got out, pulling her hair up in a ponytail, Sara had already cleared out an area in the middle of the living room. It was still a bit cramped, but it could work.

“You know, I don’t think I’d ever seen you in anything other than a shirt before yesterday,” said her, eyes roaming over her outfit.

“I feel a bit ridiculous in leggings.”

“Nah, you look good.”

She didn’t know how to answer that, feeling slightly self-conscious under Sara’s gaze, so she walked over to the center of the newly opened space and moved into a boxing stance, schooling her face into a scowl. Sara smirked at her ( _again_ ) and shifted to a low, sideways, very Karate-Kid-looking position, one arm stretched out in front of her, the other one bent close to her torso.

“Show off,” Ava said, getting only a tiny smile as a reaction, and she didn’t think she’d ever seen her this focused. She kept staring at her, clearly waiting for her to make a move. Ava knew she’d be at a disadvantage if she did it, but it was getting harder and harder not to do anything the longer she looked into her eyes. She decided to bite the bullet, and stepped closer in a quick motion, trying for an open-handed strike to her head. She barely even saw Sara move, effortlessly shifting to the side while taking hold of her arm and throwing her out of balance, letting go just before she fell.

“Come on, Ava, you can do better than that,” she teased, clearly enjoying herself. _God, she was insufferable_. Ava didn’t give her a chance to keep goading, though, quickly spinning around and striking again, this time with more intention.

Sara kept deflecting her moves while landing all of hers, lightly enough for them to just sting a little, but it wasn’t long before Ava began to read her better and anticipate her blows, starting to defend herself too.

She also noticed that Sara had a harder time with her kicks and that, in her arrogance, she was letting her lower sides wide open after striking. Quickly taking advantage of it, she managed to land the top of her foot at her hip, with enough strength to make her stumble.

“ _Nice_ , Sharpe,” Sara said, looking impressed, making her feel a surge of pride much stronger than necessary. She got so caught up in it that she didn’t account for Sara’s movements until she was already breaking her defense, one arm snaking between hers. She tried to grasp it, but only made it worse, with Sara quickly twisting her arm, spinning her around and locking it against her back.

She used just the right amount of pressure to immobilize her without causing pain, but in order to sustain her grip she had to flush her whole body against Ava’s, planting both feet at the side of hers.

“Gotcha,” came Sara’s voice, surprisingly close to her ear, her light panting sending goosebumps up her neck. _Was she on her toes?_ “You know, I prefer fighting you like _this_ , it’s way more fun.”

She kept holding her, clearly waiting for some acknowledgement of defeat, but Ava was frozen in place, a tingling sensation starting on her lower stomach at the hot breath on her skin, the feel of Sara’s body pushing against hers, the way her free hand burned where her shirt had ridden up.

“Stop!” she snapped. Sara immediately let go off her hand, stepped back.

“ _Shit_ , did I hurt you?” she asked as Ava turned to face her (thanking her lucky stars she could blame her flushed face on exertion). All signs of Sara’s playfulness were gone. “I’m sorry, I was sure I was putting the right amount of force, I didn’t mean to actually-“

“It’s okay,” Ava said, gulping. “It was nothing.”

“Fuck, this was a bad idea, I’m sorry. We don’t have any protective gear, and I clearly got carried away. I honestly don’t know what I’m thinking sometimes. Maybe I’m just _not_.”

“It’s fine. Really,” she replied, feeling more and more awkward by the second. Sara had done nothing wrong; _Ava_ was the one acting like a _teenage boy_ and making her feel guilty about it on top of it. “This was fun, I swear. I – can I go take a shower?”

“Yeah, of course. Go ahead,” said Sara, looking lost in thought.

God, what the _hell_ was wrong with her?

\---

This was a disaster.

She should’ve known better. The fact that they’d managed to have one nice evening didn’t mean the tension they’d accumulated for the last 3 years had vanished. Of course they still annoyed each other, it wasn’t like they had changed personalities, and this was already the longest time they’d ever spent together. She groaned, thinking that this was just the beginning – she wondered if someone would find their bodies rotting away inside the apartment when it was all over.

The frustrating thing was that the more she tried to make it better, the worse it got. She had tried interacting with her, telling her about funny stuff she saw on Twitter, attempting to engage her in interesting discussions, but Ava had been one step away from self-combusting. So, when she had the idea about sparring, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to loosen her up a little. Exercise had always helped Sara let off some steam, fighting especially.

And it was so much fun for the few minutes it had lasted. Ava had turned out to be a very good fighter – granted, she didn’t have access to all the techniques Sara had, but she had great instincts and fast reflexes, and what she did know, she executed flawlessly. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, not when Ava had proven herself to be her equal in everything they ever did – but it was still exciting.

Of course, she never considered how competitive she could get, and now she could add physical assault to her track record, managing to make Ava even more tense than before.

That’s why she felt so relieved when Greta called, offering her the perfect opportunity to clear her head. By the time she’d gotten ready and stepped back in the living room, Ava was out of the shower, a towel around her shoulders, hair still wet. It made her look _soft._

“Are you going somewhere?” she asked, frowning.

“Yeah. There’s this elderly lady next door, Greta. She’s always been very nice to me. When I moved in, she even baked me a _casserole._ I felt I was living in the suburbs all over again,” she chuckled at the memory. “Anyway, I left her a note under her door on Thursday with my phone number, telling her to call me if she needed groceries or anything. I didn’t think she would, though, she seems a little stubborn, but I guess she’s afraid, because she just did. So, I’m going to the store to buy her some stuff.”

“Wow,” Ava whispered, looking at her with an undecipherable expression that made her fear another confrontation. She _really_ needed to get out of the house.

“What?” she asked, tentatively.

“I, uhm – I think I misjudged you.”

“Oh?”

“I mean, I had this idea that you didn’t actually care about anything. Like, even when you were arguing about all those social issues, I always thought you were doing it just to get a rise out of me or something,” Ava said, rushing to continue as Sara scoffed “But I was wrong! I was. You’re a great person.”

Sara stopped dead in her tracks, quickly averting her eyes. This was the first time Ava had _ever_ said anything nice to her – _about_ her – and it was making her feel off again. She thought she might prefer the insults, after all.

“I’m just being a decent person, Sharpe,” she said, moving over to the door, trying to ignore the odd warmth in her stomach. “I don’t deserve a trophy for doing the bare minimum.”

“Sara?” Ava called as she was leaving, making her look back. There was that damn _softness_ again. “Take care out there.”

The words were still ringing in her head as she finally got to the street. She attributed the lightness she was feeling to the fresh air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehe  
> So Ava and gay panic, huh, who would've imagined such a thing?  
> *It's actually funny, though, because just as I finished writing this Caity posted videos of her exercising on her Stories and I had a visual for what she was doing here, and well, let's just say I sincerely _get_ Ava.)  
> To be clear, the sexual tension has been there for years now, it's the main reason they keep arguing all the time and paying so much attention to one another (I mean, Ava just couldn't _help_ noticing people flirting with Sara!), so if anyone thinks this is moving fast, trust me, it's been a loooong time coming - being confined together does that to you. 
> 
> As for Sara, of course she's all smooth and confident and she doesn't even realize she's being flirty, because she's always like that.  
> Just let her have the slightest inkling of affection, though...  
> (which may or may not happen soon lmao)
> 
> I'm really excited for next chapter, because they finally get to know each other more and they're killing me
> 
> Hope you guys liked this mess (:


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have an idea!” she said in a happy voice.
> 
> “That’s never good,” Ava deadpanned.
> 
> “We should play. You know, ask each other the questions,” she continued, ignoring Ava. “Or just play _21 questions_ , I don’t care.”
> 
> “ _21 questions_? What, are you twelve?” Sara just rolled her eyes and looked at her expectantly. “ _Why_?”
> 
> “Well, _duh_ , because I’m bored,” she replied. Then, looking uncharacteristically sheepish, she added. “ _And_ so we can bond and stuff. Or whatever.”
> 
> “You want us to _bond_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you think I forgot about this?
> 
> I would _never_! This took more time because my College finally got the memo and started back with online classes _and_ because I've been trying to keep the chapters on the shorter side so I could post faster, but this one got way out of hand and turned out 2k words bigger than the other ones, so there's that.
> 
> This is a very important chapter, because it's a turning point for their relationship, they're definitely entering into the friendship part and things will get ridiculously soft from now on (even if they think differently lmao)  
> Some realizations happen as well, so...  
> There's practically no corona content in this, because it was already waaay too long, but expect some social angst next chapter (along with a lot of fluff and sexual tension, _of course_ )  
> Also, unlike last time, this is mainly from Sara's POV, for reasons that will become obvious as you read, and boy, are you in for a roller coaster ride through her mind haha  
> Fun fact: I did get all of the questions from actual Twitter threads, people are _seriously_ bored.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for all the kudos, bookmarks and comments, they brighten my day and motivate me to keep writing!  
> Hope you like it (;

“Oh my God, I’m so fucking _bored,_ ” Sara groaned, plopping down on the couch. “Aren’t you bored?”

“Not _really,_ ” she answered. “I mean, I miss going outside and everything, but I think it’s going to take a while for me to get restless.”

And it was true: in her free time, she mostly stayed in her dorm room anyway (not that she had much of it, what with keeping up with her 3.9 GPA and _summa cum laude_ goals, extracurricular activities _and_ two jobs). She did go out to group dinners or happy hours from time to time, and even attended some parties, usually dragged by Nora or Gary – but not more than once every two weeks, so she hadn’t stayed in isolation long enough to even start missing it yet.

While she _did_ feel strange not working (she was definitely going to turn into a workaholic) and was anxious about not getting paid, her jobs at the library and at the Office of Admissions weren’t exactly _fulfilling_ , and she was kind of relieved to have enough time to study and sleep. So yes, she might be stressed out about her uncertain predicament and the world’s fate, but at least she didn’t need to add boredom to her growing list of concerns yet.

Sara, on the other hand, she could see it: she was a social butterfly. It always shocked Ava, how effortlessly she interacted with everyone, always quick on her feet and knowing just the right thing to say. She made it look easy. But now, she couldn’t spend time with anyone from her large group of friends, she couldn’t go out and party or – well – do _other things_.

Instead, she was stuck at home with Ava, who she probably thought was the most boring person alive when they weren’t squabbling.

“We could watch something again?” she tried, feeling bad for her. _What a novel concept._

“Me and Zari did that Netflix party thing and binge-watched _Next in Fashion_ in its entirety this afternoon,” she groaned again, scrolling down on her phone. “I don’t think I can watch anything else until tomorrow, at least. It _was_ fun, though.”

“Oh, cool,” she replied, not knowing what else to say. Ever since her _situation_ yesterday, she was feeling weird around Sara. Well, to be fair, she had been feeling weird ever since she moved in. But now she couldn’t stop noticing things like the way she bit her lip when she was concentrating, how incredibly blue her eyes were, or how her biceps looked when she crossed her arms.

It was probably just being confined together (“ _and the fact that you haven’t had sex in God knows how long,”_ said the irritating voice in her head). She’d known her for 3 years now and had never felt even remotely attracted to her. Sure, she’d noticed she looked good in certain outfits _sometimes_ , but she was a very observant person. And there had been _that_ dream, but she’d swore she’d never think about it again, and she’d written it off as a result of Final’s exhaustion anyway. Sara’s personality took away any chance of Ava having an actual interest on her. She was cocky, and rowdy, and irritating, and they could never get along.

(Except that she wasn’t just that, was she? Over the past week, she’d proven herself to be generous, and thoughtful, and caring. And she was finding out they _could_ get along sometimes.)

“ _I know_ , I’ve been wearing this since yesterday,” Sara’s voice brought her back to the present, and Ava realized she’d been staring at her clothes, trying to figure out how anyone could look this good in a grey hoodie and a pair of sweats. “I swear I’ve changed my underwear, though.”

“ _Sara,_ ” she whined, trying hard not to think of her in underwear.

Thankfully, the other girl just laughed and changed back to her previous topic. “At least I’m not the only one who’s bored. Everyone keeps posting these question threads on Twitter, just to have _something_ to do.”

Ava was about to make a comment about narcissism when Sara shot her that same mischievous look from yesterday. _Oh God, not again._

“I have an idea!” she said in a happy voice.

“That’s never good,” Ava deadpanned.

“We should play. You know, ask each other the questions,” she continued, ignoring Ava. “Or just play _21 questions_ , I don’t care.”

“ _21 questions_? What, are you twelve?” Sara just rolled her eyes and looked at her expectantly. “ _Why?_ ”

“Well, _duh_ , because I’m bored,” she replied. Then, looking uncharacteristically sheepish, she added. “ _And_ so we can bond and stuff. Or whatever.”

“You want us to _bond_?”

“Well, we _are_ living together for the unforeseeable future, and I don’t know anything about you,” Sara said, smirking. “Besides your views on society, of course, and that you’re secretly a Republican grandma.”

“ _Oh my God_ , how many times do I have to say this?” Ava glared at her, twisting her hands. “Having _some_ pragmatical questions about socialism doesn’t make me a Republican! Just on civil rights alone I’d be considered far-left in this country, and you kn-“

“God, Ava, you make it so easy,” she smiled, placing a hand on her arm and freezing her on the spot. “I’m just messing with you.”

“Oh,” she said, snapping her gaping mouth shut, trying to ignore the way Sara’s fingers felt against her skin. “Yeah, right.”

“So…” continued Sara, removing her hand. “How do you want do it? Should we make up our own questions, or just do one of these where we pick numbers and have to answer whatever it is?”

_They were really doing this, then._

“Well, I think I prefer random questions than you purposely trying to find out all of my weaknesses.”

“Fine. But we both have to answer it then.”

“Fair enough,” she relented, dread starting to pool in her stomach.

“Yay!” Sara exclaimed, looking way too giddy about this. “I’ll get us something to drink. What do you want? Beer? _Whiskey_?”

“Wine would be good,” Ava replied, surprising herself with how much easier it was getting to ask for what she wanted.

“Ah. You’re a wine kind of girl, huh?” asked Sara, getting up. “Classy.”

“Shut up”

\---

Sara was proud of herself for coming up with this: it was the perfect opportunity to get to know more about Ava without seeming nosy. She still didn’t get this sudden need to understand her, but it _did_ make sense now that they were living together, and she wasn’t one to overanalyze things anyway. She also figured talking could help put Ava more at ease around her, since she somehow seemed to be getting _more_ uncomfortable with every passing day.

“Ok, 8, let’s see,” she started, after Ava picked the first number. “Wow, that’s boring. _‘What’s your favorite color?’”_

“Blue,” Ava answered, averting her eyes for no apparent reason. “Yours?”

“Black.”

“Black is not a color,” she rebuked, looking back at her pointedly. “It’s the absence of color.”

“ _Really_? Can’t we get past one question without arguing?” whined Sara. “Especially not over something as trivial as _my_ favorite color?”

“I’m just pointing out that it’s not one, and that’s non debatable. Who picks _black_ , anyway?”

“ _Fine_. Green, then. Satisfied?” she replied, with a fake smile. “Ok, 14. Ooh, that’s a good one. ‘ _What’s something you’ve never done but would like to try?’_ Skydiving, for sure.”

“Yikes. _No, thanks_. I, uhm – I’ve always wanted to go skinny-dipping.” Ava said in a near whisper, face turning red.

“Wait, you’ve never gone skinny-dipping?” she gasped. The other girl hid her face in her hands, clearly embarrassed – if it was by her wish or her lack of experience, Sara wasn’t sure, and she was having a hard time evaluating it as her brain was suddenly overtaken by the image of Ava stripping down in the moonlight, making her stomach swoop.

_What the fuck._

“I know, I’m _lame_ ,” Ava replied, snapping her out of it. Her nose was scrunched, and she was pouting slightly, cheeks still a bit pink.

“No, it’s not lame, it’s-“ _, adorable_ “completely valid. A completely valid idea, I mean. Skinny-dipping is great. Really great. You should definitely try it.”

_What the fuck._

“Okay…” Ava said, squinting as Sara took a large gulp out of her wine glass, as if trying to assess if she was making fun of her. _If only she knew._ “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Great,” she repeated, pushing the thoughts away from her mind. This quarantine thing must be getting to her already if she was thinking of Ava as ‘adorable’. “It’s your turn to pick.”

“22.”

“’ _Ice cream or frozen yogurt?’_ _What_? I mean, there’s no question here, obviously the answer is - _”_

“Frozen yogurt.”

“- ice cream!” she finished at the same time as Ava, feeling outraged. “Are you kidding me? What is _wrong_ with you?!”

“Frozen yogurt is healthier and it’s not super sweet, it’s just a much smoother experience overall.”

“ _A_ _much_ _smoother experience overall?_ Oh my god, that’s it, I’m kicking you out!” Sara laughed, slapping her arm. “You’ve gone too far this time.”

“Wow, if I had known all it took to get you off my back was saying this, I’d have done it ages ago,” she laughed too, eyes crinkling on the sides, finally looking relaxed. Sara didn’t think she’d ever seen her laughing like this.

“Yeah, right, you _live_ for this,” she said, smirking. “You’re officially on probation now, answer the next questions very carefully.”

“Oh, I’m terrified.”

“You _should_ be. You have no idea what I’m capable of,” she continued, satisfied as Ava looked appropriately intimidated. “Alright, let’s get moving. 19. ‘ _What’s the best movie you’ve seen recently?’_ Well, I don’t really watch a lot of movies, but I _did_ see _Parasite_ , and I know that I’m not breaking any new ground here, but it was awesome. You saw it, right?” She waited for Ava’s confirming nod, then continued “And, I’m sure you’re going to judge me because you’re a big pretentious cinephile or something like that, but me and the guys went to see _Birds of Prey_ and I loved it. I love to see badass girls kicking butt.”

“You jerk, I’m _not_ a pretentious cinephile. I’ll have you know I like blockbusters as much as the next guy,” she said, then added quietly. “And I love badass girls too.”

“Ok, ok, I stand corrected,” said Sara, raising her hands. “So, what’s your answer, then?”

“Honestly, I don’t really have much time to watch anything, I don’t think I’ve seen more than five movies over the past year. But there was this one film that Mona made me watch and it was incredible. _Portrait of a Lady on Fire,_ ” she said, looking sheepish, adding after getting no reaction from Sara “It’s this amazing French movie. And _I know_ that makes me sound like a pretentious cinephile, but it’s ridiculously good, so I don’t care. It’s about this painter who pretends to be a companion for a noble girl in the 1700s France, so she can paint her for a suitor. But they obviously fall in love, and it’s so beautiful and bittersweet. _And_ it was made by this great female director, and it’s all about the _female gaze,_ which Mona explained me all about, and it’s so fucking relevant, and it has stellar acting… seriously, I could go on and on about it.”

Sara was struck by how refreshing it was to see Ava like this, talking so passionately about something, as if she were letting her in a secret – no sign of the usual aggression she’d always reserved for her. She could barely pay attention to what she was saying, focusing instead in the ease in which she was talking, the openness in her body language, and how _nice_ it felt to interact with her this way. Who would’ve thought?

“Sara? I’m boring you to death, aren’t I?” she winced, giving Sara pause. Ava had always presented herself with a _lot_ of confidence, sometimes even bordering into a superiority complex. It had driven Sara insane, this feeling that Ava thought she was better than everyone else. But now, after spending more time with her, she kept noticing these small signs of insecurity and feelings of inadequacy, and it floored her.

It didn’t make any sense. Ava was the top student of her class, she was involved in several student associations, had done research projects with one of their favorite professors, and that wasn’t even taking into consideration what she’d recently found out about her, like the fact that she was supporting herself through college, or that she could fight. Even before, when Sara thought she was a bitch, “boring” was never something she’d associate with her. She was a _boss._

“What? Not at all”, she said, feeling an urge to reassure her. “It sounds awesome, Ava. We should watch it one of these days.”

“Yeah?” she asked, face easing up into a small smile. “I’d like that.”

They stayed like that for a bit, both lost in thought, before Ava cleared her throat and continued. “Ok, hm, 12?”

“Right. 12. Let’s see,” she grabbed her phone, taking a minute to fill their glasses with her other hand. _Wow, had they finished a whole bottle already?_ “Oh, jeez. ‘ _What’s your dream job?’”_

“Definitely a head position at a Federal Government agency, or Foreign Affairs. That’s the plan, at least: get some experience with research and internships until I graduate, then get my Master’s – Professor Hunter is trying really hard do convince me to go into International Relations instead of Public Administration, so I’m still on the fence about that. Then hopefully I’ll have a good enough resume and connections to get a decent starting position, maybe an appointment eventually.”

“Yeah, I can totally see it. God, you’ll have such a hard-on bossing people around.”

“I will _not_ have a hard-on, you’re gross!” And there was that laugh again. “Ok, fine, I _might_ come to enjoy it a little.”

“A little? I bet you’ll make your underlings cry on a daily basis,” she smiled, picturing it already. “And, knowing you, you’ll probably be the youngest person in the history of wherever it is to be promoted to Director, at, like, 31 or something.”

“Stop,” Ava groaned, blushing a little. “How about you?”

“I-I – uhm,” she stuttered, suddenly very interested by a loose thread on the couch.

Of course Ava had her whole future meticulously mapped out, while she was a hot mess bulldozing her way through life, without a clue about her future. She couldn’t begin to explain her difficulty with plans, though, and she wasn’t sure Ava would understand even if she tried, so she decided to make up some bullshit plans, not wanting to be judged.

She was about to say “ _Grad School too_ ” when she looked back at Ava, finding her with such an open expression it startled her, and she started rambling. “Fuck, I have no idea. I know I’m getting way too close to Senior year not to have it figured out, but I just can’t. Every time I try to think about it, I get really anxious and – I mean, I’m a History and Social Studies double major, I kind of _have_ to go into academics, but I don’t want to? Honestly, I didn’t even know if I was going to college at all for a while, I just did it because of…“

She trailed off, not wanting to get anywhere near that line of thought. She didn’t understand how she was telling all this to Ava when she hadn’t been able to discuss it with any of her closest friends, but it felt good getting it off her chest, and the other girl didn’t look even remotely judgmental.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Ava said when it became clear she was done talking, continuing at her skeptical look “I am. It pains me a great deal to admit this, but you’re crazy talented. You’re also naturally good with people, and that fateful time we had to write that paper together, even though you drove me mad with your _very_ unorthodox ideas about research, it became clear you have _some_ leadership skills. And, you know, you’re an actual ninja, so if all else fails, you can become a stunt double!”

Sara tried to laugh at that, but there was Ava saying nice things about her again, and the warm feeling was back, and she could feel herself flushing. “Thanks, Ava, that’s – that’s nice.”

“Yeah, uhm… do you want to get some more wine, maybe?” she said out of nowhere, frowning, and Sara thought she might be a little tipsy, but was too happy with the opportunity of getting away for a second to _get a fucking grip_ to make fun of her about it.

By the time they’d finished their next glass, things had gone back into lighter territory, Sara’s mind beginning to feel a little hazy too. They learned more about each other: Ava’s favorite fruit was avocado, of all things; she was shocked when Sara revealed she’d been to the emergency room more than 15 times in her life, but wildly entertained at her stories about beating up bullies at school; her most embarrassing memory was being forced by her High School principal to take a psychological evaluation after writing a too-enthusiastic essay about serial killers (Sara’s teasing was cut short when she was obligated to share her Peter Pan story, Ava getting oddly excited about her ability to tap dance).

“Ok, we already know what’s our educational level so that’s not going to work, pick another one,” she said, glancing at the new question as Ava chose the number 17: ‘ _Would you rather break an arm or a leg?’_

_Oh, fuck this._

“What was your first kiss like?”

“What?” Ava asked, getting closer to try to look at her phone. “That’s not a question from Twitter!”

“It sure is,” she grinned, hiding it behind her back.

“Let me see it then.”

“Look, Ava, my idea, my rules, ok? Just answer it.”

“No, we agreed to random questions!” she was trying to squint at her, but couldn’t keep the smile from her face, and Sara knew she’d already won.

“Come on, these questions are dumb! I want to get to the _good stuff_ already _.”_

“You think my first kiss is the “good stuff”?” she kept laughing, and Sara thought she might be getting addicted to seeing it – _causing_ it – but was luckily too buzzed to delve into _that_. “Jesus, I guess you really _are_ twelve, huh? Would you like to braid my hair, too?”

“Answer the damn question already!” she said, poking her with her feet.

“Oh, so this is how it’s going to be, then?” asked Ava, raising one eyebrow. “Fine. It was terrible. The end.”

“Ava, I swear to God, I know ways of murdering you without leaving a single mark.”

“Argh, you’re not going to drop this, are you?”

She rolled her eyes, and Sara couldn’t keep the grin off her face.

“I was thirteen, his name was Mark Harrington and he was my best friend. It was that phase where everyone is starting to date and it’s supremely awkward, and apparently he had a huge crush on me for a long time and I’d never noticed, but he took our friendship as a sign I liked him back. And then on Valentine’s Day he asked me to be his girlfriend,” she groaned, scrunching up her nose again. “I didn’t really want to, but I figured if I _had_ to date someone, it was better if it was my best friend, you know? And he was so nice to me. I was this awkward tomboy, and everyone kept trying to get me to be more “ladylike”, but he always made me feel ok about it. So I said yes.”

Sara couldn’t help but picture little tomboy Ava, and she made a mental reminder to press her for pictures later.

“And one thing led to another and then we kissed, and it was _awful_. A nightmare. I was very confused, because he seemed to like it a lot, and everyone else was obsessed about kissing. I even had a theory that they were all pretending to enjoy it, but I could never figure out why,” they both chuckled at that. “I let him kiss me three more times, to see if it would get any better, but it became clear that it wouldn’t. Then I told him I didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore.”

“Oh, Ava,” said Sara, giving her a sympathetic look. “How did he take it?”

“He was sad at first, but it was just a kid crush, and he was a genuinely nice person, so we went back to being friends pretty quick. And it didn’t take me long to figure out that he wasn’t the problem. It was, you know, because he was a guy.”

“So you’re a lesbian, then?”

“You know this already,” Ava said, confused. “I even brought a date to that one dinner, when Nate cut his hand.”

“Oh, I could _never_ forget. She was even more insufferable than you,” groaned Sara. “What was her name again? Anna?”

“Emma”

“Right.” She remembered how annoyed she was when Ava showed up with a complete stranger to their get-together, feeling justified by her behavior throughout the evening, which culminated in a mild tantrum when some blood got on her fancy dress. “How did _that_ end up?”

She let out a nervous laugh. “Not well.”

“You dodged a bullet. Trust me, I’m good at reading people.” _Except when it comes to you, apparently._ “You can do a lot better.”

Ava shot her a strange look, biting her lip.

“Anyway, what I meant was, you _only_ like girls?” she continued, ignoring the tingling in her stomach.

“Oh, yes.” Ava’s eyes widened. “Definitely.”

“How _did_ you figure it out?”

“On the locker room after the first practice of JV Softball, Freshman year.” she deadpanned, making Sara laugh for the thousandth time. When did Ava get so funny? “I mean, I was already starting to get the picture, but Jennifer Hill made sure there was no mistaking it.”

“Jennifer Hill, hm? Did you kiss her too?”

Ava snorted. “Hell, no, she was as straight as they come – and that made the whole getting ready experience extremely uncomfortable, I was afraid to even look at her direction. I didn’t actually kiss any girls until Senior year.”

“Oh?”

Ava turned serious then and was about to speak when her face contorted into a shocked expression. “You sneaky bastard! You’ve been interrogating me for minutes now!”

And the thing is, Sara was just as shocked as she was. She had been so caught up in their conversation she’d completely forgotten how they started it. It wasn’t that she’d been purposely avoiding talking about herself, she was just so interested in Ava’s stories that she couldn’t help but want to know more.

“Sorry, sorry,” she said, trying to smirk. “What do you want to know? My first kiss?”

“Let’s start with that. You owe me a lot of answers.”

“We’ll see about that,” she drawled, hoping the other girl couldn’t tell how thrown she was. “My first proper kiss was with Leo Snart, when we were thirteen as well. But unlike you, I enjoyed it very much. There’s not much of a story to it, we just kissed at a birthday party,” she told, glancing at Ava, who had tucked her feet on the couch, resting her chin on her knees. “We _did_ properly date later on, though, when we were fifteen. But then he was caught stealing a car and his whole family relocated to Indiana, to get him away from “bad influences”. Such a shame, really, he was the sweetest delinquent I’ve ever dated.”

“You’ve dated more than one delinquent?”

“Oh, you have no idea,” she said, smirking again. “I used to drive my father insane.”

“Wow. Teenage Sara Lance must have been _something else_ ,” Ava replied, and then she honest to God _giggled_.

Her eyes were twinkling, her cheeks were flushed from the wine, her hair was falling down in soft curls, shining gold in the ambient light of the living room lamp, and Sara realized that adorable might be a fitting word for her after all. Not just adorable _,_ she thought, eyes trailing to the faint purple stain on Ava’s full lips. _Beautiful_.

_Oh._

_Oh no._

_No, no, no._

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks, and it would have sobered her up even if she’d been drinking Tequila all night. She’d been able to dismiss it so far, attributing these weird feelings to the strangeness of the situation, the contrast from their previous interactions, the stress caused by the pandemic. But now it was crystal clear, and there was no unseeing it: she was starting to develop a _crush_ on Ava. 

“It’s getting late,” she said at once, startling the other girl. “Wine makes me sleepy, and I know you’ve been waking up at the crack of dawn, so we better call it a night.”

She tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach at Ava’s confused, crest-fallen expression, getting up and starting to clear out the small coffee table. “Yeah, sure, you’re probably right,” Ava replied.

She finished up quickly, wishing her good-night and making her way to her bedroom, trying to avoid looking at her as much as she could.

“Hey, Sara?” came Ava’s voice, soft and a bit uncertain, causing her to stop in the hallway. “You were right, this was fun. Sleep well.”

_Shit._

Sara didn’t _do_ crushes. She felt attraction, of course, and was great at dealing with that, but she hadn’t had the slightest inkling of feelings for ages now. And that was a good thing – she sucked at feelings. Her few relationships had all ended badly.

_And Ava Sharpe? Really?_

She was attractive, sure, Sara had never denied it. It wasn’t like her not to notice pretty girls. But she’d never felt drawn to her before.

_Right?_

They were way too different. Even if Ava had stopped being rude to her, that hadn’t changed.

_Right?_

So maybe it _was_ their confinement together. Being isolated from other people. Physical contact deprivation. Maybe it was making her more sensitive, somehow.

_Right._

Whatever it was, it was a _bad idea_. Apart from the obvious complications to their arrangement, Ava would never be interested in a fuck-up like her. There was only one possible outcome if she let this fester – so she was putting a stop to it. It was only a tiny infatuation, anyway, and she was a master at dodging things, great at pushing down her emotions.

 _“That’s it”_ , she thought, a small wave of relief pouring through her: all she had to do was avoid Ava as much as she could. And then this would go away.

How hard could it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Sara, sweetie, of course you'll manage to avoid Ava and your _tiny infatuation_ being stuck with her in a 500 square feet apartment, you're so clever (;  
> Hehehe
> 
> So, yes, this was mostly dialogue, but the only way they would start getting to know each other was talking, right?  
> Anyways, I don't see Sara as oblivious towards her own feelings, but that doesn't stop her from going into Denial Mode (she's shit at it though, don't worry), nor from malfunctioning when it comes to Ava's possibilities of reciprocation, so let's see how it goes.
> 
> I'd also like to leave it registered that this Ava really isn't a cinephile (and I have nothing against cinephiles considering I am one), even when she did have time to watch movies and TV she mostly watched cop procedurals and docs about murder, and she's also secretly a sucker for romcoms. She _does_ have extensive knowledge on lesbian films and whatnot, because she is, duh, a lesbian, and that's precisely how Mona convinced her to watch Portrait (which, if you haven't, DO IT NOW)
> 
> Hope you liked it, and...  
> Let the Mutual Pining begin!
> 
> P.S: Yes, Ava totally had a hot dream about Sara on their Freshman Year, it was _steamy_ and I might have written it out in my head. Sorry, not sorry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sara?” came Ava’s voice through her door, as if summoned, followed by a soft knock. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._
> 
> “Yeah – come on in.” Did her voice just crack?
> 
> “Hey.” The door opened, and Sara sucked in a breath. Her hair was down again, long curls framing her face and falling over a low-cut V-neck that should be illegal, smiling softly at her in a way that she never thought she would see. How the hell did she go three years without realizing how _amazing_ she looked? And how did she go back to that? “I was thinking, well – would you like to – uhm – maybe make dinner together?”
> 
> Was she flustered? Why was she flustered – and _how_ did it make her look so cute?
> 
> _It doesn’t matter because you’re saying no._
> 
> “I-“
> 
> _Don’t even think about it._
> 
> “-Yeah, sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, folks!  
> I'm _so_ sorry for taking this long to update! I'm literally updating this at 1:20am here, the second I finished editing the last part, just to get it out there haha  
> These past three weeks were _tough_ , and it gave me some writer's block, but I'm working through it and have written every single day for the past week and a half, only much less than I usually do. 
> 
> This chapter was seriously 95% labor, I really had to push myself to write it because it just wasn't coming naturally, and, as such, I do _not_ love it. I hesitated for a sec before deciding to post it, because honestly it would take me months to make it work for me, and maybe it still wouldn't, and I don't like making you guys wait - so I hope I don't disappoint.  
> It's not very small, but it's still mainly filler - although _important_ filler, because it's kinda vital to the evolution of their feelings and to set up the advance in their relationships.  
> I think it's the last of the filler-ish ones, though, so yay.
> 
> I wanna make a disclaimer that I will not abandon this story, don't worry about that at all, even if I do take longer than usually to post. I have a few tests coming up, because my college wasted no time going from 0 to 100km/h, so I don't know if I'll be able to post next week, but it shouldn't take as long as this because I don't think I'll spend 1 1/2 week without writing at all anymore lol
> 
> About the actual story:  
> There's finally a time gap here (2 days, I make it clear), and it's gonna happen often from now on so the story isn't mainly filler or it doesn't feel too rushed. Just and FYI thingy.
> 
> The Zari that appears here is Zari Tomaz - kinda, because she didn't go through all that trauma, but she's also not famous hahaha but she's got that same iconic personality we've come to love. It was _supposed_ to be Zari Tarazi to differ from the other story I'm (eternally) writing, but I've never written her and I don't speak influencer and this chapter was already hard enough as it was, so yup, Zari Tomaz.
> 
> Also my sincere apologies to any British readers out there because american English is already not my first language and I'd say British English is like the 6th, so if Charlie sounds lame it really was my bad!
> 
> Another disclaimer: I apologize to Claire Saffitz for any lewd remarks made here, they reflect only on the fact that Sara's an asshole (:
> 
> As usual, thank you for all you comments, kudos and bookmarks, I cannot stress enough how important they were to keep me fighting this stupid block! 
> 
> Love y'all, stay safe

“… and then she watched _Tidying Up with Marie Kondo_ and decided to organize the entire house, including Behrad’s room – without letting him know beforehand. Yeah, that’s right: she found his stash.” Everyone’s face turned into shock, except for Jax’s, which remained a pixelated blotch on its correspondent little square (he mentioned something about old cables and latency, but no one besides Ray understood anything).

“It was so dramatic! You guys really missed out. She was going to throw it all out, and he was begging her not to, saying it was legal, and she kept saying ‘not in this house it’s not’, and that he wasn’t 21 yet. Epic,” added Charlie, sat by Zari’s side. “I was really bummed out about all that weed going to waste, though – I mean, it was a _lot_ – so I convinced her I could donate it to people who use it for therapy. Score!”

“Charlie!” exclaimed Ray, looking appalled. “You can’t say you’re going to donate stuff and then keep it for yourself!”

“Ease up, mate. I’m just going to keep a small percentage, you know, like a service fee.”

“You have a weird understanding about _giving,_ ” Jax laughed.

“Look, I had to fight hard for it, alright? It’s only fair,” she shrugged.

“What Charlie forgot to mention was that it was somehow all _my_ fault,” Zari continued, ignoring their discussion. “My mom literally scolded me for influencing him. What the hell? I don’t even smoke. _And_ I’ve already had five job offers while I’m still studying, while he barely submitted his college applications on time! How am I the bad guy here?”

“Come on, Z,” Charlie said, in the uncharacteristically soft tone she reserved for Zari. “I know they can be hard on you sometimes, and this proximity takes some adjusting, but they were down with you bringing your freaking girlfriend to live with them, right? My parents would insist in calling you my ‘friend’ and make us sleep in separate bedrooms. Yet yours keep doting on us – your mom made Gormeh Sabzi twice already just because you told her I liked it. Also, B is the coolest little brother ever and you know it.”

Charlie had gone to stay with Zari’s parents in Seattle instead of going back to London, citing CCU’s official recommendations regarding the uncertainty of future reentrance possibilities as the reason, but Sara had an inkling it had more to do with her complicated relationship with her family.

“You’re only saying this because he has the hugest crush on you and keeps trying to impress you. Which I can’t even begin to express how weird it is for me, but yeah.”

“He just looks up to me because I’m great”

“Sur-“

“Girls?” Nate interrupted, clearing his throat. “We’re still here”

“Sorry,” they both said, Zari looking flustered, Charlie smug.

Of all her close friends, only her and Jax had remained in Central City: Nate had gone back to DC, where he’d been struggling with his overbearing father, and Ray went to his parent’s home in Ivy Town, telling them only tonight that he’d taken Nora with him and offering no explanation why. Sara was the only one not having to adjust back into family life: Jax was also staying with his mom, helping her out as he could – which, to everyone’s concern, might involve fighting his way into the gig economy, since she’d been laid off that Monday and they had no idea how they’d cope financially.

“So, Sara, that leaves you,” said Ray. They’d been taking turns to update each other on their new living arrangements.

“Yeah, you’ve been very quiet. How _is_ living with Ms. Stick-Up-Her-Bum?” asked Charlie.

“Don’t call her that,” she answered instinctively, scolding herself right away. She would never be able to live it down if they found out about her _predicament_.

“Hm, I’m pretty sure _you_ ’re the one who made that name up,” Jax teased.

“I know, it’s just – she’s not that bad once you get to know her. I mean, she’s still a nerd, and irritating, of course, it’s not like we’re _best buds_ or anything…” It was weak, and she knew it. Even though she had successfully avoided Ava for the past two days by barricading in her room, she still found herself thinking about her way too often, wondering what she would think about a certain article or remembering how she looked when she laughed. It was driving her insane, and her usual strategy for dealing with it – going out and finding someone to get her mind away from her – was off the table. It was especially hard knowing that she was literally in the next room. It would be so easy to just –

“Sara?” came Ava’s voice through her door, as if summoned, followed by a soft knock. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

“Yeah – come on in.” Did her voice just crack?

“Hey.” The door opened, and Sara sucked in a breath. Her hair was down again, long curls framing her face and falling over a low-cut V-neck that should be illegal, smiling softly at her in a way that she never thought she would see. How the hell did she go three years without realizing how _amazing_ she looked? And how did she go back to that? “I was thinking, well – would you like to – uhm – maybe make dinner together?”

Was she flustered? Why was she flustered – and _how_ did it make her look so cute?

_It doesn’t matter because you’re saying no._

_“I-“_

_Don’t even think about it._

“-Yeah, sure.” _Motherfucker._ “Just give me a minute and I’ll be there.”

She turned to the screen, remembering she had an audience, and was about to tell them she had to go when she noticed they were all smirking, Nate mumbling something that sounded suspiciously close to ‘called it’.

“Wow,” was all Charlie said, cracking up.

“What?” She’d barely said anything, they couldn’t _possibly_ -

“Sara, honey,” Zari smiled, visibly trying to hold back her laughter. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen that look on your face. It was _weird_ , not gonna lie.”

“It wasn’t weird, it was sweet,” said Ray, the only one looking remotely serious. “It’s good to know you have it in you.”

“What the fuck are you guys talking about?”

“I didn’t think it would be this fast, man,” added Jax, still laughing. “Go on, Sara, you wouldn’t want to leave your girl _hangin_ ’”

“Oh, screw you. All of you. You guys don’t even deserve goodbye,” she said, turning off the call, although not fast enough to miss their catcalls.

What the hell? What look were they talking about? She didn’t realize she _had_ a look to begin with – and the whole interaction didn’t last more than thirty seconds, for fuck sakes. Did _Ava_ notice it too? No, she couldn’t have. Sara was _smooth_. Her friends just knew her too well, apparently.

And what on earth did Jax mean, it wouldn’t be _this fast_?

\---

Ava had hesitated for more than an hour. She didn’t want to inconvenience Sara, but at the same time, she wanted to do something nice for her – _with_ her.

She was having a hard time understanding Sara. The first couple of days, the other girl had acted friendly (almost _too_ friendly to her liking). Then, she suggested they bond, and, while Ava had been skeptical at first, it had been _great_. She found herself relaxing in a way she hadn’t in a long time, maybe not even with Nora, and it should have startled her, but – strangely – it didn’t. And it looked like Sara was enjoying herself too: she kept laughing and asking questions, cracking jokes and teasing and drinking.

But then she’d ended the night abruptly, nearly bolting from the room, and Ava was pretty sure she’d been avoiding her for the past two days, interacting with her (barely, at that) only over shared meals. She’d had been too buzzed to get a good read out of the situation: she didn’t know if she’d interpreted it all wrong and Sara had been bored the whole time, or if she’d done something to upset her. Or, worse yet, if Sara had realized she kept looking at her just a little too long and _why_ , and it had grossed her out.

At first, she tried to convince herself it was for the best. This way, she could focus on her studies without interruptions and keep things as _normal_ as they could be, and it gave her the space she needed to quench this bizarre attraction.

Only, by the end of the first day, she was _missing_ Sara’s company – which was ridiculous, they hadn’t spent enough time for her to even get accustomed to her presence, and just last week she couldn’t even stand being in the same room as her. She tried to argue with herself that she was missing other human-beings, not _Sara_ , but it was a lost battle from the start. Somehow, she had gotten under her skin.

Or maybe she had always been there, only in a different way.

Regardless, that’s how she found herself standing in front of her door, debating internally if she should just let her be. She was about to chicken out when a sudden burst of courage took over her and she knocked before being able to talk herself out of it again. She was expecting Sara to send her away with an excuse (a legitimate one, at that, since she was apparently on a video call), but the other girl had smiled and promptly accepted, seeming eager, even. Had she been imagining this whole avoidance thing?

It was hard to tell with the way Sara seemed to fidget as she made her way into the kitchen, standing awkwardly by the island. She was wearing black sweatpants and a t-shirt, and her hair was set in a loose French braid and –

_Don’t stare, you creep._

“Hey,” she cleared her throat, trying to get back to a regular functioning mode. “So, good news, CCU deposited 200 dollars into my account today! They sent me an email letting me know they were sending it to all the financial aid kids, to help us out. I mean, I know it’s not much, but it can help with the bills at least. Or the groceries…”

“Oh, no, that’s okay!” Sara replied. Ava started to disagree, but she cut her off. “Seriously, Ava. I mean, I’m by no means rich, but both of my parents have very secure jobs and I’ve got some money saved from bartending. We might not be able to splurge, but we’re good. Keep it, you don’t know if you’ll need it.”

“There’s no chance in hell I’m keeping it,” Ava said evenly, trying not to get aggravated. Sara was being very nice, she knew that, and it wasn’t like she didn’t have a good point, but she had a hard time accepting help from others, especially financially. This whole thing was already hard enough as it was. “I mean it, Sara. Please don’t argue with me on that.”

Sara looked conflicted, no doubt wanting to fight her on it, but something shifted in her eyes and she acquiesced. “Fine, I won’t. I still think you’re being stubborn and it’s unnecessary, but ok.”

“I thought you _weren’t_ going to argue?”

“But…”, she continued, ignoring her protests once again. “If you do refuse to keep it, maybe we could reach a standpoint and use it on someone who actually needs it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you see, Jax’s mom lost her job this week, and they’re scrambling. I was already trying to figure out how much I could afford to send him, and was thinking of setting up one of those direct donation things for him. You know?” she stopped, waiting for Ava’s nod. “It’s just the two of them and his grandma, and he’s thinking about trying to find any kind of work right now… even if he _does_ find it, it won’t be enough _and_ they’ll be at risk, and I really don’t want that to happen. I know you have your own needs, and I don’t know how you feel about it, but if you _insist_ on giving me money I’d much rather you sent it to him. I know I could just take it and do it, but I’d like you to know.”

“It’s okay, Sara, I get it.” And she did. While she had trouble with accepting it for herself, probably from the ingrained values she fought so hard against, she had no trouble with helping others. It was one of her main goals in life, actually. “It’s fine by me, I hope it helps him. And really, I consider it _your_ money, so you don’t need to tell me how you use it. I _am_ concerned about him, though – I wish I could help you out with the donations too, but I suck at social media.”

“It’s fine, I got it,” she replied, giving her a big smile that made her feel all kinds of things. “Thank you, Ava.”

“Did you talk to him, though? I mean, do you know if he’ll accept it?”

“Not yet, but I will. I know him, though, he’s proud but he always puts family first. I think he knows that he doesn’t have much of a choice right now, and I’d like to think he knows there’s nothing to be ashamed about accepting help.”

“That’s good,” she added, ignoring Sara’s pointed look at her and trying to sound hopeful. “At least I saw it on the news today that there’s supposed to be a stimulus check from the government. I don’t know how much yet, but still, it’s something.”

“Yeah, I saw that too, but they’re saying it’s not coming until mid-April. I don’t think he can wait until then.”

“Yeah, I know…” replied Ava, thinking that if it wasn’t for Sara, she’d probably be in a similar situation, struggling at best. It filled her at the same time with gratitude and guilt – she knew Sara was right and it wasn’t fair to expect her to provide for herself giving her circumstances, but she didn’t think she’d ever feel this hopeless again, and it was despairing. Still, the other made it better somehow, managing to give her a sense of security while still turning this into a lighter situation than expected.

“So,” Sara started, after an uncomfortable silence unfolded. “What are you thinking about making? I have to insist, though, I was _not_ exaggerating when I said I couldn’t cook to save my life. You’ve seen it, I live off frozen meals.”

“Yes, I’m actually a bit worried about you, to be honest,” she started to laugh, but then Sara poked her tongue at her, and it turned into a weird cough. “I was thinking about making _Cacio e Pepe_?”

“What the _hell_ is a _Cacho Peppe_?!

“It’s this type of Italian pasta, with lots of butter, cheese and pepper.”

“You know what, I’m not even sorry anymore for thinking you were WASP,” Sara laughed, leaning back on the counter.

“You thought I was _WASP_?!” asked Ava, frowning at her in disbelief.

“Well, can you blame me?”

“I just watch a lot of cooking stuff, okay? It’s a _hobby,_ ” she tried, rolling her eyes at Sara’s unconvinced expression. “Anyways, it wouldn’t be _Cacio e Pepe_ per se, since we only have Swiss cheese, so I was thinking we could do this version of it I saw on Bon Appetit, when Molly made “adult” Mac and Cheese.”

“What is Bon Appetit and who’s _Molly_?” Sara asked, scrunching up her face in a cute way.

_Stop it._

“You know Bon Appetit! It’s that famous You Tube channel.” Sara just pouted, looking non the wiser. “Sara, we watched it with your friends a few times. Remember? The videos where they made Cheetos and Twizzlers from scratch?”

“Oh! The ones with the girl with the white hair! She was funny.”

“Yep, that’s Claire,” Ava replied, feeling sheepish. “She’s my favorite.”

“Oh, is she now?” she smirked, catching onto it. “ _Ava Sharpe_ , do you have the hots for the You Tube lady?”

“Don’t.”

“Ooh, is it like a fantasy? Do you want a _Chef_ to dust you in flour and _devou-“_

 _“_ Oh my god, just _stop!”_ Ava all but screamed, revolted yet still slightly affected by Sara’s husky voice, praying to any existing deities out there that she’d never know _who_ she actually had the hots for. “You’re disgusting. It’s not like that at all, I just admire her. She’s _relatable_.”

“Sorry, sorry,” she replied, looking the opposite of it. “Alright, _Gordon Ramsey_ , what do we need?”

Ava rolled her eyes at the reference, holding back a smile. “Pasta. Macaroni is fine – one pound. Then butter, the whole stick –“

“A _whole_ stick of butter? Even I know that’s a lot,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “Are you _sure_?”

“ _Yes_ , Sara, I’m sure. It’s the main ingredient of the sauce,” Ava answered. Of course Sara would find something to object to, even if she had zero cooking experience. “May I go on?”

“Fine by me, _you_ ’re the one who cares so much about being healthy,” she replied.

“It’s okay to eat comfort food sometimes, just not _every day_ like you do. _Anyways,_ we’ll need the cheese, I’ll just cut some,” she continued, stopping when Sara just stared back at her. “Come on, what are you waiting for?” 

Sara raised her eyebrows at her.

“What? We’ve established that I’m the _Chef_ here. That makes you my assistant. Chop-chop,” she said playfully, waving at the other girl with her hands.

“Oh, is that how it works?” Sara asked, crossing her arms.

“Would you like to take the lead? Be my guest.”

She groaned and moved to get the ingredients, muttering something that sounded a lot like “asshole” and making Ava smile.

“And milk. And pepper. That’s it.”

“Okay, _boss._ What next?”

Ava moved closer to Sara, getting a knife and cutting a big chunk of the cheese, handing both to her.

“We can’t grate it because it’s too soft, so cut it in the smallest pieces possible, so it can melt evenly,” she instructed, raising her eyebrows and adding with a lopsided smile “Think you can handle it?”

“I know how to use a knife, Sharpe,” answered Sara, smiling deviously back at her. It was crazy how easily they’d gotten back into that new friendly banter, how fun and _right_ it felt, but Ava was trying not to think too hard on it.

They fell into a comfortable silence, Ava measuring out the other ingredients and setting the water for the pasta to boil, doing her best not to notice the way Sara kept sticking out her tongue in concentration, or how focused and serious she looked while just cutting up some cheese.

It was in one of the moments that she actually managed to ignore her, while grinding the pepper into a small cup, that she heard a yelp and a series of expletives.

“Sara?” she asked, making her way to her, more concerned than she should probably be.

The other girl turned from her, holding her left hand with her right one, just out of reach. “It’s fine, it’s just a scratch,” she said with a slightly strained voice.

“Let me see.”

“This is ridiculous, I’m literally trained in knife wielding. I could throw a knife across the room and hit the bull’s eye.”

“Let me see,” she repeated, gentler this time, lightly taking hold of her hands as Sara reluctantly brought them closer. She pulled the right one away and tried to hold in a gasp at the amount of blood already pooling there.

“It’s okay, there are a lot of capillaries in the fingers, we have to wash it to see how bad it really is.” Ava said, more to herself than to Sara, who had turned eerily quiet. She took her to the sink, never letting go of the injured hand. “I’m going to wash it now, it might sting. Okay?”

She half expected a comeback about not being a child or that she could do it herself, but Sara just nodded at her, swallowing a little. Weird, she did not seem like the type of person who was afraid of a little pain.

She stayed radio silent as Ava washed the gash, not wincing even as she applied pressure to stop the wound for bleeding more. In the end, the cut was just shallow enough that she wouldn’t need stitches, and it should heal reasonably fast. It would have _sucked_ having to go to the hospital in the middle of a pandemic.

After all the blood was gone, Sara insisted in doing the cleaning and dressing by herself, even as Ava pointed out that she could do it better with two hands. By the time she came back from the bathroom, index finger properly bandaged, the awkward tension was back with a vengeance.

“Hey, it happens to everyone. I’m sorry if I implied you couldn’t do it, I was joking,” she tried, wondering if it was just Sara’s wounded pride. “I nearly cut off a nerve once, the doctor said I could have lost all feeling in my finger.”

“Ouch,” replied Sara, glancing around the room as if looking for an exit. Ava was trying to understand _why_ , but she was having a hard time.

“Look, Sara, I know having me here must be hard for you. I’m practically a stranger, sharing your space and changing things up,” she said, trying to give the other girl an out. She hated feeling like a burden. “So please, know that you have no obligation to, like, hang out with me or anything. I want you to feel free to do whatever you feel like; this is your house and you’re already saving my ass as it is.”

“No, that’s not-“ Sara started, looking torn. “You’re not bothering me, Ava.”

“Really? Because I mean it, I won’t be offended if you don’t want to keep doing these things.”

“I want to,” she replied with more strength than the first time. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Ava said, somehow convinced. “Good. Because it’s surprisingly fun.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, it turns out your company is not as repulsive as I thought it would be. It’s _tolerable_ , even.”

“Jerk,” Sara answered with a lopsided smile, punching her lightly with her good hand. “So… I guess it’s safe to say I should not be doing any cooking, _ever_. Can I just watch you?”

“Yeah, I think that’s for the best,” Ava deadpanned, moving to turn the stove back on. Sara followed her as she grabbed another pan for the sauce and added the first pieces of butter, standing by her side. She was standing so close Ava could count the freckles on her face if she wanted. She briefly wondered what it would be like to trace them with her fingers – or her mouth – and _God_ she needed to get a grip.

“How did you turn all _Grey’s Anatomy_ on me back there?” Sara asked, oblivious to Ava’s wandering mind. “I mean, if I didn’t know you, I’d think you were Pre-med.”

“Oh, I organized a First Aid training workshop when I was the Student Body President at my school. It’s such vital knowledge, I can’t believe they don’t teach it everywhere.”

“Student Body President, huh?” came Sara’s comment, accompanied by her trademark smirk. “Were you the valedictorian too?”

“I _was_ , as a matter of fact.”

“ _Shocking,_ ” she replied, but the look she was giving her had no teasing. It was almost like admiration, and it gave something good for Ava to focus on instead of the memories of working herself into oblivion in order to escape that last torturous year of High School. It seemed like Sara was about to say something else, but then Ava finally added the pepper and she just gasped.

“Oh wow, that’s a _lot_!”

\---

“… and today they had the first confirmed case in Riker’s Island, so it’s not even a matter of _when_ anymore.”

“Yeah, I saw that,” Ava replied, looking somber.

“And most people don’t even care, they don’t see the inmates as human beings, they completely ignore the innumerous flaws in the Justice system and act like we’re advocating for the release of all the mass murderers in America.” Sara continued, agitated. “That’s not even mentioning all the people who _work_ at the prisons.”

“What people don’t realize is that, apart from all the Human Rights aspects of it, it’s also a matter of Public Health. The prisons are a focus of dissemination for the whole community, _because_ of those workers.”

“Exactly!” Sara exclaimed, banging her hand on the table and wincing from the resulting throb at her cut. They had been sitting at the island for a long time now, ping ponging from subject to subject: from Trump’s attempts at stealing a vaccine project from Germany, to Vanessa Hudgens’ unbelievable comments in a video (which Ava had somehow missed), to the woes of gig economy workers, and so forth. Dinner itself – surprisingly delicious and simple – had come and gone fast, but they stayed there, lost in conversation. She hadn’t talked this thoroughly about these matters with anyone yet, and she was surprised to realize it was releasing some of her anxiety instead of building it up.

“But there’s been a lot of pressure, and I saw that many governments are already taking some action, both to release as much people as they can and to diminish the intake. So not all hope is lost.”

“Yes, yes, you’re right. Not for ICE detention centers, though.”

“Ugh,” Ava groaned, resting her forehead on the counter. “I don’t even know how to start on that. It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by all of this.”

“I know,” she said, resisting the urge to run her fingers through Ava’s hair to comfort her. “I think that’s enough talking for today. There’s a thin line between processing the facts and straight up masochism, and we might be crossing it now.”

“Yeah…” Ava answered, turning her head to the side and looking up at her.

She should go to bed. It was late, and this evening had already thrown her plans under the bus – the whole hand holding nonsense alone had set her back entirely, and then there was her gut reaction at making Ava think that she was an inconvenience. If those weren’t signs that she was in way over her head, she didn’t know what were.

On the other hand, she didn’t _want_ to. Their conversation had been heavy, and her mind was still reeling, and while she knew she could unwind by herself with some Brooklyn 99 and a beer, Ava’s company might be too tempting to pass. Especially when she was looking at her like that, in that damn golden ambient light again (she should order a new lamp asap). And, well, the day was already blown anyway, was there really any harm in enjoying it a while longer, just for that night?

“I think we should watch a movie,” she said, giving up and trying not to smile too hard at the way Ava’s face lit up.

_Just for that night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, ok, I honestly hope it was not too bad hehehe  
> I know nothing evolves that much to make it worth the wait, but it really does set the grounds for the next ones, which I'm _much_ more excited about.  
> The next one is kinda crazy and fun, and then the other one is veryyy important
> 
> If anyone likes to cook, the recipe they use is this one:  
> [Adult Mac and Cheese](https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/adult-mac-and-cheese)  
> It's also on You Tube under that same name ;) I chose it simply because I made it the other day and it's sooo easy lmao
> 
> P.S: Yup the Legends predictably knew about their chemistry from way back, it's pretty obvious to everyone but them  
> I said it was gonna be a Trope Fest and you guys better believe I'll deliver.
> 
> See y'all later <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was about to eat more candy when she heard a sharp intake of breath from the hallway, looking up just in time to see Sara rushing towards her.
> 
> “Sar-“ she started, snapping her mouth shut as the girl snatched the bag out of her hands.
> 
> “Ava, what the hell?!” she asked, eyes wide. “This was _not_ in the pantry.”
> 
> “Well, no, I found it the other day when I was looking for a blender and I love gummy bears, and…” Ava tried, still not getting why she was so upset. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you were saving it or anything, I thought maybe you misplaced it, I don’t know?”
> 
> “Did you seriously not look at the bag?”
> 
> “What do you mean? Why would I need to look at the bag?” she asked, starting to feel some apprehension. “It’s just candy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains mild drug usage  
> (it's weed) (I don't know if this warning is necessary but still, should I like put it in the tags? I have no idea how this works Im sorry)
> 
> Hey fellassss  
> At this point, I'm not even gonna explain anything, I'll only say that this took _less_ than expected due to my insane exams and it being a little longer than the others (a _lot_ happens on this one, I actually thought about splitting it but then decided against it because I felt that the whole night was this huge build up and it would break it)  
> If you guys are keeping up with the show, hope you're alive after yesterday's episode, I'm not sure I AM. No spoilers but yeah, hope this update helps us wait till next week.
> 
> I'm happy to say I'm feeling better, even though my country (Brazil) is in complete shambles and we might not even have a democracy by the end of this (if we still do have one, sometimes its hard to tell), but, you know, I'm trying not to panic lmao
> 
> Storywise:  
> I'm not gonna say much at the beginning not to give things away, but this is about a week after the last chapter (it's Friday of the next week).  
> This story's Central City is officially in Colorado despite apparently being in Missouri, for legal purposes (aka the aforementioned weed) and road-tripping matters (no, they don't get out of the apartment, all is well).
> 
> About the weed, well, Sara Lance canonically smokes weed so I find it very hard to believe that as a college student she wouldn't partake occasionally (but it's only occasionally, I don't see her using it all the time), and then this happened, it wasn't supposed to be like this but I saw this real quarantine story and it felt too appropriate to pass, so...
> 
> Also, this was supposed to be very light and funny and well, don't know what happened, but I don't think it's that funny lmao I don't control them I'm sorry (there's still lot of exciting things? I think, at least)
> 
> Anyways, thank you _so much_ for the overwhelmingly amazing comments, and all the kudos and bookmarks too, they are the highlight of this period for me, so thank youuuuu and please keep yelling at meee! (you might feel inclined to after this one?)

Sara was failing. Hard. Everyday, she woke up telling herself she was going to avoid Ava at all costs, and every day ended with them closer than before.

For starters, there was only so much time she could spend locked in her room without going insane, and the apartment was _small_ , so try as she might, there was no escaping at least some interaction. And then, she hadn’t anticipated Ava reaching out to her, inquiring about her thoughts on things, asking her if she wanted to do stuff together, even cracking jokes and teasing her. It broke her defenses faster than she thought was possible. Every time she resolved to say no or make up an excuse and just _get away from her for a second_ she’d be met with those eyes or that smile or that laugh – by now, Ava’s _back_ could do the job, if she was being honest – and she was a goner.

She also wasn’t expecting it to be this effortless and fun. They’d fallen into a routine so naturally it took a while to realize it: they made breakfast together, then went on to do their own things, Ava studying while she exercised or listened to podcasts, taking breaks to eat or chat. It was startling how comfortable they started to get around each other – almost like being alone, but never feeling lonely –Ava even seemed not to mind her interruptions anymore, going as far as starting conversations herself from time to time.

This had only intensified as their online classes started that Monday, both watching them side by side on the couch, headphones on. During their shared class, they ended up commenting on the points being made by Professor Gideon (mics muted, of course). Now that the hostility was gone, it was more of an intellectual debate, a way of complementing their thoughts and challenging one another. it largely made up for the quality drop she was experiencing in her other classes and had turned it into her favorite class – not that she would ever admit it to the other girl.

On their “free” time, they did all sorts of things, from taking online seminars together on random topics to Sara getting her ass handed to her on Scrabble (she made up for her bruised ego by fabricating words to annoy Ava – who had started to keep a dictionary on hand after their second match – and she always got her revenge by murdering her on Slapjack, anyway). She’d also managed to teach Greta how to FaceTime, and Ava had soon joined them in their daily calls. The elder woman turned out to be a real hoot – a strong sense of humor, snarky comments and stories for days.

Then, of course, there were the evenings, when Ava cooked increasingly elaborate meals for them. Sara was a lost cause, but she’d put a smile on the other girl’s face by coming back from the grocery store with all the special ingredients she could still find – weird mushrooms, fancy risotto rice, impossible-to-pronounce cheeses. It might be stretching their budget, but Ava’s excited gourmet ramblings made it worth it (getting to eat delicious food was a bonus).

Afterward, they’d always take turns picking something to watch, ranging from feel-good romcoms to that one hard to grasp German show about time travel. Tonight, though, Sara had finally broken Ava’s resistance to horror movies. Not the good, psychological thriller kind – they’d seen _Get Out_ and _The Sixth Sense_ already – the trashy, paranormal ones that she’d loved growing up, riddled with jump scares and bad lighting.

Initially, she thought Ava’s reluctance stemmed from the low quality of the films, but ten minutes into the movie it became clear it was something else entirely: she was terrified. She tried to fake nonchalance at the beginning, but at the first scream she jolted so hard she managed to startle Sara too. She was about to start teasing her when the second scare came and Ava involuntarily grabbed her hand, and Sara shut her mouth so fast her teeth clinked.

That was the other constant of their new routine: the incessant buildup of attraction, a lingering tension that made her feel like she could snap at any moment. Any accidental touch, the briefest look or slightly revealing clothing was enough to make her hyperventilate, and that was a novel experience. She wasn’t used to be this far gone about anyone – hell, she prided herself in _doing_ the seducing, and Ava wasn’t even trying here. She felt like a schoolgirl with a crush, and it was ridiculous, but the harder she tried to remedy the situation, the worse it got.

Which was how she found herself incapable of remembering which movie they had picked, let alone watching it. Ava had let go the first time, trying to recover her tough façade, but not even thirty minutes into it she’d given up, reclaiming her grasp on Sara’s hand. Her fingers – long, lean fingers – felt warm and soft, even as she kept a vice-like grip over her palm, and it took every ounce of her strength not to run her thumb across them. It was _mind-boggling_ that holding hands could have such an effect on her – _again_ – but there was no denying the uptick in her heart rate, and she hoped with all her might that Ava couldn’t feel how sweaty her palms had become.

She knew she should at least pretend to be paying attention – and not just watching _Ava_ instead of the movie – but she couldn’t find it herself to care, not when she kept making the cutest faces at the TV, an endearing mix of terrified and angry. Not when she kept turning to Sara to protest the protagonists’ idiocy or plead with her eyes for the ordeal to be over (to be fair, she _had_ suggested they gave up on the movie early on, only to be rebutted by Ava saying she _was not_ afraid of a “C-rated, low budget train wreck produced by the wealthy father of a pubescent director”). Not when she kept biting her lips in a way that demanded that Sara look at them for half of the running time.

Thankfully, after what felt like a lifetime, it was over, Ava looking self-conscious as she pulled her hand away.

“There’s no shame in being a _scaredy-cat_ , Ava,” she laughed, happy for an excuse to get the focus away from the pounding in her chest. “Not everyone can handle it.”

“Shut up,” she said, shooting daggers at her. “I wasn’t _really_ afraid.”

“Oh, no?”

“No,” she insisted. “I was simply horrified by the crappy CGI, and it’s impossible not to get startled by sudden movement and loud music, it’s not the same as _fear_.”

“Is that why you were holding onto me for dear life?” Sara asked, too intent in winning the argument to consider she might be entering dangerous territory.

Ava looked away, flushing. “Sorry, I get a bit handsy when I’m scared,” she blurted out, eyes flashing to Sara’s as soon as she registered the meaning of her words. “Shit _._ Fine, maybe I was a _little_ scared. _Satisfied_?”

“Immensely.” She smirked, trying not to imagine _how_ handsy she wished Ava would get with her. The way she rolled her eyes at her felt so familiar she smiled – managing to piss her off even more. “Hey, _sour-puss_ , I’m just teasing you,” she said, poking her side and letting her hand linger maybe a beat too long. “It doesn’t mean anything if you’re afraid of horror movies. My ex-girlfriend _hated_ them, and she was the toughest person I’ve ever met.”

“You had a _girlfriend_?!” Ava asked, all traces of irritation gone.

“Yeah…” she replied, frowning. “So what? You think you’re the only one who can date girls?”

“Wha- _no_. I _know_ you like girls, Sara.”

“You do?”

“Well, _duh_.” She answered, raising her eyebrows. “We’ve been to parties together. It’s kind of hard not to notice it when you leave with a different girl every time. Or boy, I guess. _You know what I mean_.”

This staggered Sara – she was not showy in any of her “affairs”, opting to always leave the actual hooking up to places with intimacy. Sometimes not even her friends knew who she’d been with, and she didn’t kiss and tell, so it was surprising to her that Ava had noticed it at all. And also – “Are you trying to _slut-shame_ me?”

“ _No!_ ” Ava answered, widening her eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with it, I just noticed it.”

“Yeah? Cause it sure felt like there was a little judgement in that statement.” She insisted, starting to feel defensive in a way she hadn’t for a while.

“There wasn’t, I swear.”

“You were _frowning_ when you said it.”

“It wasn’t judgement, I was just-” She stuttered, opening and closing her mouth several times. “It _wasn’t_ judgement.”

“Then why were you so surprised I had a girlfriend?” Sara asked, unconvinced.

“It’s just that it doesn’t seem your style-“ she stopped, sighing and running her hands over her face. Sara didn’t know why, but the idea that Ava thought she was incapable of having a real relationship hurt her more than she expected. _Maybe it’s because she’s right._ “I’m sorry, apparently I lost the ability to express myself. What I meant was, in three years I’ve never seen you dating anyone, and I didn’t think that was something you’d _want_ , you know? I thought you preferred the freedom and all that.”

“You can be in a relationship and still have freedom,” she said, starting to understand what Ava was trying to say but not feeling inclined to acquiesce. “Also, I’m pretty sure _you_ haven’t dated anyone either.”

“Yeah, but that’s mostly out of failure.” Ava snorted, giving Sara a tentative smile. “If _you_ wanted to date anyone, I’m sure there’d be people lining up.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” she asked, so incredulous she forgot to be mad. “Do you seriously not notice how many people hit on you? God, I thought you were really aloof, but maybe you’re just blind.”

“People _do not_ hit on me.”

“Oh, yeah? How about Paul from Econ II? He sure was eager to give his opinion on _everything_ you said. And that _extremely_ inappropriate TA for Gender Studies? ‘Oh Ms. Sharpe, great twist by bringing up Beauvoir’s relationship with Sartre’, ‘Oh, such _pristine_ work, Ms. Sharpe’-“

“It _was_ pristine work.”

“It was _annoying_ , it’s what it was,” she laughed, trying to ignore the sudden realization that maybe she had been a little _too_ annoyed by it back then. It wasn’t hard to do, not with the way Ava’s cheeks were slightly pink and her eyes were twinkling with her attempt to hold back a smile.

“Enough about me. _Spill_ ,” Ava said, clearing her throat.

“What?”

“About this girlfriend of yours,” she continued, shifting closer to her on the couch.

“Oh,” she said, biting her lip. “It was just High School stuff.”

“Come on, don’t give me that. I haven’t forgotten you still owe me for that night you interrogated me.”

“ _Fine_. But let it be known this is the information you’re choosing and there’s a No Refund policy.” She hadn’t talked about this period for so long it felt like a different life. “Her name was Nyssa, she was an exchange student from England – well, sort of, her nationality is a bit tricky, she was born in Pakistan and her mother is Chinese and she’s lived all over the place because of her father’s work. But anyway, we were Seniors. I was a mess, she was this mysterious, edgy girl. I don’t _know_ , what do you want me to say?”

“How did it start?”

“I don’t remember exactly the first time we met, but we had two classes together and eventually started talking, and I was intrigued, I guess? I hadn’t realized I liked girls at that point, but _she_ had.”

“So she made the first move?” asked Ava, resting her face on her hand.

“Not really? I mean, she started acting in a way that made me aware she was interested, but she didn’t act on it. At first, I didn’t know how to feel about it, but it didn’t take me long to realize that I wanted it too. So I kissed her.”

“Of course you did,” she laughed, giving Sara a strange look. “And then what?”

“What, you want a _play-by-play_?”

“Sara!” she gasped, blushing. “Do you _always_ have to be like that?”

She just smiled. “ _And then_ it just happened. Things are really heightened when you’re a teenager, and it was the first time I felt _that_ strongly about anyone, so it got serious pretty fast.”

“Nothing like a good U-Hauling, right?”

Sara laughed. “Yeah, something like that…”

“Did it end because she had to go home?”

“Yup,” she started, a lump starting to form on her throat just by thinking about that particular time frame. “I mean, it was bound to end anyway, High School relationships never last.”

“Still, it must have been hard.” Ava prodded.

“I guess,” she relented, shifting in her seat. Ava seemed to pick on her discomfort, though.

“Well, it sounds like it was special,” she finally said, with a small smile.

“It was.”

They stayed like that for a while, Ava looking at her in that indecipherable way again. There was so much Sara wanted to know too. She wanted to ask _all_ the questions, to uncover every single detail. Had Ava ever been in love? Did she ever have her heart broken? Had _she_ broken any hearts? Was she going to break _hers?_

_Jesus effing Christ._

“Do you wanna watch something fun and silly now?” she asked instead, just as the silence was starting to get loaded. “To get the horror out of your system.”

“Yeah,” Ava replied, with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. _Weird_.

“Ok, I just need to pee really quick.”

“Alright, I’ll grab us some candy,” Ava said, seeming enthusiastic again.

Maybe she was just imagining things.

\---

Ava was all over the place. Her (lack of) reign on her feelings was beyond repair, and not just that, she kept making things worse. Tonight alone had felt like a roller coaster ride: one minute she was holding Sara’s hand, the next she had managed to insult her – and then she ended up upsetting _herself_ , heart burning with this irrational need to know how it felt to be special to Sara.

She needed to put a lid on things before she messed it up. Sara had ended up being a great company, they were getting alone well, and the thing was that Ava _wanted_ to keep building on that – of course she couldn’t have it the _way_ she wanted, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t be friends. She didn’t have many of those, and, while she hadn’t thought she needed more, the idea of losing this new dynamic with Sara troubled her. _More than enough reason not to screw it up_ , she thought, mindlessly eating some gummy bears. _Just act normal like you’ve been doing the past few days and it’ll be okay._

She was about to eat more candy when she heard a sharp intake of breath from the hallway, looking up just in time to see Sara rushing towards her.

“Sar-“ she started, snapping her mouth shut as the girl snatched the bag out of her hands.

“Ava, what the hell?!” she asked, eyes wide. “This was _not_ in the pantry.”

“Well, no, I found it the other day when I was looking for a blender and I love gummy bears, and…” Ava tried, still not getting why she was so upset. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you were saving it or anything, I thought maybe you misplaced it, I don’t know?”

“Did you seriously not look at the bag?”

“What do you mean? Why would I need to look at the bag?” she asked, starting to feel some apprehension. “It’s just candy.”

“Are you – _Ava,_ these are THC edibles.”

“What?” she asked, confused.

“ _Weed,_ Ava,” Sara said, pointing at the huge, hard-to-miss Marijuana leaves at the package – right beside the cute, colorfully drawn bears. “It’s weed.”

“ _Shit,”_ she hissed, bringing her hands to her mouth.

“You _did_ eat it, then. How many?”

“What?” Ava asked again, suddenly unable to think. She was _not_ okay with the idea of being under the influence of anything, least of all _now,_ when she was already struggling as it was to keep her impulses under control.

“How many of these did you eat?” she repeated, a deep crease between her brows.

“Two, I think,” she answered, trying to focus. “Yeah, definitely two.”

Sara’s shoulders seemed to relax a little at that. “Ok, that’s not a lot. I mean, you’re going to get _very_ high, but nothing to worry about.”

“ _How_ high?” That did not ease her up the slightest bit.

“I assume by your face right now you don’t usually smoke?”

Ava scoffed.

“ _Never_?” Sara asked, grimacing. At the shake of her head, she continued “ _Oh, boy_. Okay, _not gonna lie_ , you’re probably going to get _lit_. That mean’s really, _really_ high.”

“I _know_ what it means, Sara, I’m not an idiot,” she started, only to be met with raised eyebrows. “Not a _complete_ idiot, at least. Oh, fucking hell,” she hissed, running her hands through her face.

“Want to try throwing up?”

“I can’t,” she said, continuing at Sara’s confused expression “I threw up about 3 times my whole life, and only when I had bad stomach flus. I could never force myself to do it, unless I drink detergent or something, I guess, but that does _a lot_ of damage and-“

“Ok, I get it, no throwing up,” Sara cut her off, trying to hold back a smile. Good thing _someone_ was amused by this.

“Is this going to affect my brain cells? Will I get dumb?”

Sara rolled her eyes at her. “It’s _one_ time, Ava, your scholastic future is going to be safe.”

She knew that, rationally, and it wasn’t by far her biggest fear – just the one she felt okay admitting to Sara. A small wave of panic started to form in the back of her mind: what was she going to feel? What would she _be_ like? Was she going to make a fool of herself? Wouldn’t it be better if Sara ate some as well and then she wouldn’t notice things? _Oh God_ , what if she tried to-

“Hey.” She felt a hand pressing on her knee, and as she looked up, she was met by those hypnotic blue eyes, soothing and bright. “Relax, ok? Don’t go into your head. Just let go and it’ll be fine. _Enjoy the ride_.”

She couldn’t keep herself from looking down for a millisecond, and Sara’s mouth was so close she almost forgot about the whole thing, fears and all. _Almost._ “But what if I hate it?”

“I’m going to be here the whole time. Alright?”

_But that’s just it._

“Okay,” she whispered, swallowing a little.

“You’re gonna be fine,” Sara said, squeezing her knee before letting go, sending a jolt of electricity through her body. _Fuck._ “Okay, here’s what you need to know: it has to be digested before you feel the effects, so it might take a while. And it’ll last for a long time, but you’ve eaten quite a lot and it’s your first time, so it’ll probably knock you down way before it wears off.”

“And how am I going to feel?”

“Probably a lot looser _.” Great. “_ It varies from person to person. I find it can amplify certain things, and if you start worrying too much you can get paranoid. So _don’t_.”

Ava sighed. Easier said than done.

“You’ll perceive things differently, like time, colors, music, and it’s fun. Sometimes people get very thoughtful – I personally talk a lot. And dance. I’m weird. Oh, and you’re probably going to get the munchies, you know?”

“Yeah, like, eating a lot,” she rolled her eyes. She wasn’t clueless – she just liked being sober.

“Exactly, but not just that, you might get these strange cravings,” Sara continued, grinning. “One time, I had this urge to eat nachos with chocolate syrup.”

“That’s _disgusting_ ,” Ava said, scrunching her face. She was still anxious, but, as scary as that might be, there was also something reassuring about having Sara by her side.

“Yup, but it tasted amazing,” she laughed. “Come on, ‘when life hands you lemons’ and all that jazz. Let’s have _fun_.”

_Oh, dear._

*

“And then they said that if we are in fact in a simulation, and they prove it, then there’s a chance that the people running the simulation will shut us down,” she continued, less scared about the prospect than when she’d originally read about it.

It had taken a long time for her to start feeling different. She wasn’t sure when it happened, to be honest, but they’d watched some old She-Ra episodes and then Sara had put on some music, and – oh, wait, no, they’d just talked and _then_ Sara had put on some music – _amazing_ music, the guitar was so gritty and electric and had this weird vibration, she really needed to get the band’s name – but only after she laughed – her laugh was so great, like music too, it had the same vibration as the guitar, only she felt it all over her body – and told Ava her eyes were getting red and that she should put some music on.

She didn’t think Sara was right, no, she felt just fine, perfectly normal, in fact, and she told her just that, but then the music started and it felt like this warm liquid had been poured over her and it was so good, so, so, _so_ good, and ok, maybe this was what getting high felt like, then. And they’d talked, she didn’t know how long ago that was, maybe this was still the same song? It kind of all sounded like one song, but Sara had laughed at least five more times, of _that_ she was sure, so maybe – wait, had she been talking about something just now?

“Wait, why would they shut us down?” Sara asked, and Ava had _no idea_ what –

“Because then the simulation would have failed, if the subjects are aware it’s all fake then it won’t work anymore,” she answered, startling herself. It was as if she had a separate part of her brain keeping up with the conversation, a part of the brain which she had _no_ access to right now – just like _driving_. She loved driving, she could remember driving through Route 50 and being struck by the open space and the sky had that purple color turning to dark blue and it was so _vast_ and she felt so small but in the most powerful way and the memory was so vivid it was almost like she was there again, she could feel it, see it, she’d forgotten all about it, how could have she forgotten? She’d decided she would take the long way to Central City after hearing the US-50 was called the Loneliest Road because she’d desperately needed to be alone after those months, and it felt so perfect – but maybe now she’d like to go back with Sara and it would feel even better.

“Did you ever go to the desert?” she blurted out, only then realizing Sara had just said something, but the other girl didn’t seem to mind, she just smirked, and _that smirk – w_ ith the tiny dimples and her sparkling eyes. It made her feel this lightness inside her, like flying.

“Which one?” Her _voice_.

“Any desert.”

“I’ve been to the Outback, there are ten of those there.”

Outback. Outback? Australia. She’d been to Australia? “You’ve been to Australia?”

“Yep. I took a Gap Year.”

She did? “You _did_?”

“There’s a great visa that lets you work there for a year if you’re under 30. I bartended in Melbourne for 5 months then traveled for the rest of the time.”

“God, you’re so _cool._ ” Sara laughed this small, throaty laugh that felt like honey and – wait, did she say that out loud? “It must have been so much fun.”

She gave her this small smile, and for a second it didn’t look like she had fun at all, but why wouldn’t she, and then she said ‘yeah’ and her smile was big again and yeah, of course she had fun, she was so cool and fun and she must think Ava was so boring, so unlike her international girlfriend. She could picture her, bartending in Australia and then going surfing, and her freckles would be _all over her_ and her hair would turn so gold in the sun.

“Your hair is so blond,” she heard herself say, and it was, and it would feel so soft, she just knew it, so she reached over, just as Sara was about to say something, and it tickled her fingertips just slightly – she was right, it _was_ soft.

“Hey, will you be ok if I go take a shower? It’ll just be a minute.” Sara asked, and she was giving her the weirdest look, and _oh my god_ Ava was touching her hair.

_Shit shit shit –_

She nodded, snatching her hand away, and Sara left, and she seemed annoyed at her, didn’t she? Ava was being a creep, and she’d probably – certainly – noticed everything, she knew everything, and she was regretting ever inviting her to live with her, and she was probably figuring out a way to get her out as soon as possible – Ava _should_ go, it wasn’t fair to make her uncomfortable in her own house, and they were doing so good and now she’d ruined it.

The room was spinning a little, or maybe her head was spinning, and she just now realized she was sitting on top of her leg and it was tingling and it felt terrible and she couldn’t think, and her mouth was so _dry_. Water, she needed water, and she was hungry too. She should eat, Sara said eating was fun, and she didn’t want Sara to realize she wasn’t feeling well because then she’d be worried about her on top of everything and she was already hating this, Ava was sure. 

Getting up was so _hard_ but the relief she felt drinking the water made it worth it, and eating was _amazing_ , the way the tinny salt crystals of the crackers exploded against the melting chocolate. It tasted so good it made her feel better, but then Sara was there again and, even though she felt this intense happiness at the sight of her, she remembered what had happened and her heart burned on top of the happiness and it felt like it was too much.

“I wanted smores,” she said, looking at the food strewn over the counter. _Oh, God_ , did that even make any sense? It sounded stupid even to her stoned ears, so it was no wonder Sara laughed at her.

 _Just shut up_.

“I’m sorry we don’t have any marshmallows,” she said, and it was _just_ like Ava, making her feel bad when she’d been the most generous host she’d ever had. “Hey,” she continued after a beat, coming to stand by her side. “Are you ok?”

Her hair was all to one side, still wet, and as Ava looked at her, a tiny drop fell from the tip of a strand, rolling over her collarbone and tumbling down her milky skin, ever so slowly, over the curve of her breast all the way to her sternum, getting lost inside her shirt. Ava wanted to trace the wet path it left behind with her finger, she wanted it so bad it was definitely too much, everything was too strong and it made her dizzy. She wanted to get back to normal, she wanted this to end and what if she stayed like this forever?

“Ava?” Sara asked, looking concerned – or was it concern? Maybe she was just annoyed, maybe she thought she was weird, Ava didn’t know, but her head was spinning like crazy and she was getting sick and she felt so heavy she didn’t think she could stand anymore. Her heart was pounding, she could feel it roaring in her chest, it was beating way too fast.

“I need to sit down,” she said, making her way to the couch.

She needed this to be over.

\---

Sara had a feeling this might happen. She hadn’t wanted to make it even _more_ likely by alerting Ava to it, but such a high dose in a newbie was bound to have some side effects. She wasn’t concerned health-wise, 40mg wasn’t _that_ much, but having a bad trip could be terrifying by itself.

She shouldn’t have left her alone, she knew, but if she’d stayed one more second in that couch with Ava caressing her hair, she would’ve kissed her. She blurted out the first excuse that came to her mind, hoping Ava was too stoned to realize she’d showered already that afternoon.

The thing was, Ava’s metabolism must be fast – it took less than an hour for the edibles to hit, for starters – because she looked fine when she left her, _giddy_ even, and she couldn’t have been gone for more than 20 minutes. She hadn’t expected it to hit full force for at least another hour – she didn’t even have time to do the things she had planned, like putting on some trippy videos and assembling a home-made all you can eat buffet, which made her sad, because she was looking forward to it. Ava had looked so relaxed at first, with her half-lidded eyes and that sated smile on her face, and she wanted to make her feel even better.

But by the time she was back, she was pale, a constant frown etched in her forehead, and it looked both like she was lost inside her own mind _and_ panicking, an odd combination that Sara had seen before a few times (she looked so much like Ray that time he ate cosmic brownies for the first time she would have found it funny if she wasn’t worried). After she bolted to the couch, Sara got a big bottle of water from the fridge and the rest of the chocolate bar and hurried into the living room, finding her half sitting, half lying on the couch, eyes wide and hand grasping at her chest.

“Shh,” she said, sitting by her side and gently removing her hand from where it was scrunching up her shirt. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Ava whispered. “I know you want to go – you can go. You don’t have to.”

“Ava-“

“Really, you can go, Sara.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she said, firmly, squeezing her hand. It seemed to calm her down a bit. “I told you from the start, didn’t I?”

“But you don’t have to,” she repeated, almost like a plea.

“I _want_ to.” It felt like a confession, somehow, and it made her stomach flutter. “Here, drink some water.”

Ava took it and chugged almost half of it at once, gasping for air when she was done. Sara let go of her hand and got her phone, changing the music to a relaxation playlist she’d followed on Spotify.

“I need to go to the hospital,” Ava said, three seconds into the first song.

“You don’t.”

“My heart, It’s _wrong_. It’s really fast,” she insisted, trying to sit up. Sara took her hand again and checked her pulse, only because she knew Ava wouldn’t be appeased if she just told her she was fine.

As presumed, her heart rate was normal. “You’re okay. It just feels that way, because your perception is altered and you’re nervous. It happens a lot, it’s happened to me a few times when I was younger.”

“I’m not.” _Always the stubborn one._ It should be annoying to her, not endearing.

“Look,” she took both of her hands, placing one over her own heart and the other against hers, holding them in place. “Do you feel it? They feel the same, don’t they?”

Ava nodded, starring intently at their hands over Sara’s chest. It was okay for a minute, and it seemed to relax her a lot. But then – _then_ – Ava started tracing small circles over her clavicle with her fingers, so softly it sent goosebumps all over Sara’s body, and she realized what a terrible idea that had been. She sucked in a breath, closing her eyes for a second while praying the other girl wouldn’t notice how fast her heart was beating.

She nearly choked as she opened them.

Ava had leaned towards her, her face was so close, and she was looking at her and _Jesus fuck_ she wasn’t looking at her eyes, no, she was staring at her mouth. Ava’s own mouth felt like a magnetic field, pulling her in, drawing her closer, and then her breath was on her face, warm and intoxicating, and Sara’s heart felt like it would burst through her ribcage. She needed to know what her lips felt like, what they tasted like, she didn’t think she’d ever wanted to kiss anyone _this much_.

She squeezed Ava’s hand, desperate to ground herself, and it made her look up. Tired, bloodshot eyes, an unfocused, confused expression. It hit her like a bucket of cold water, and she pulled back immediately.

_What was wrong with her?_

Here was Ava, high out of her mind, feeling like she was about to die, and Sara was thinking about _kissing_ her?

Well, that’s just the thing: she _wasn’t_ thinking, she never did. She just acted on impulse and destroyed everything. It was so _fucking_ selfish, focusing on her own feelings when she should have been helping Ava – not to mention _delusional_ , letting herself believe that Ava wanted it too, when she’d clearly been just zoning out. And it wouldn’t matter even if she _had_ wanted it, she was incapacitated to make any decisions right now and doing anything with her would be taking advantage of the situation.

She wanted to bolt, wanted to lock herself inside her room with something to drink and wallow in her guilt, but as she moved back Ava had leaned in all the way, resting her head on her shoulder, their hands still locked in place, and Sara knew she couldn’t leave her alone. She needed to get over herself and _try_ to be a decent person for once in her life. These stupid feelings weren’t Ava’s fault and she shouldn’t have to deal with any of it – if Sara couldn’t get rid of them, she’d just have to suck it up.

“Here,” she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking, letting go of Ava’s hands and shifting until her head was resting on her lap. “Close your eyes. Unless it makes your head spin, then keep them open.”

“It spins better,” Ava deadpanned, and Sara found herself chuckling despite the sinking feeling in her heart. _See, you can do this._

She moved the hair away from Ava’s shoulder and started kneading it, trying to focus as hard as she could on the mellow song instead of how warm her skin felt against her fingers. “I think I like being sober,” Ava mumbled after a while.

“You don’t say.”

“What if I stay like this forever?” she asked in a hushed tone.

“You won’t, I promise,” Sara assured her, biting her lip as she shifted her hand, threading her fingers through her hair. “Just relax, stop fighting it. Okay?”

Ava nodded, burying her head in her legs. Sara had to remind herself to breathe as she stroked her neck, twirling her hair between her fingers, trying to commit the feeling to memory. “Feels good” was the last thing Ava said, before her breathing evened out in heavy puffs, a muffled whisper that had Sara doubting she’d heard it right.

She couldn’t bring herself to leave then, even though she knew there was little chance of Ava waking up anytime soon, so she reached for the remote with her free hand and let the She-Ra episodes resume. She tried to watch it, she really did, but before long Ava shifted her head and she found herself entranced by her profile – the way her lips parted just slightly, the slight frown on her brows, the way her eyelid kept shuttering – and it became just white noise.

She stayed like that for a long time, lost in what felt like the most delicious form of torture ever created (she didn’t even know _how_ long, but Netflix had asked if she was still watching at some point), until finally mustering the strength to get up. She placed Ava’s head on her pillow and covered her with the blanket she’d left on the couch, giving her one last look before moving to her bedroom, knowing already there was no chance of her getting any sleep tonight.

As she stared into her ceiling, she kept reliving the moment she’d almost kissed her, but not just how guilty that made her feel. No, guilt she could deal with, she had plenty of experience with that. It was the intensity of the desire that kept her up. And not just that, but later, stroking her hair, caressing her skin, it was so intimate, and the feelings it stirred in her, physical and otherwise, were deep. This whole thing seemed way stronger than she’d first judged, very far from an infatuation or a crush.

But here was the catch: this mere notion should be enough reason to push her away, only it didn’t work like that at all. She _hated_ clichés, but she _did_ feel like a moth to a flame: the closer they got, the closer she wanted to be.

And that scared the living shit out of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehe  
> so, ok, ava's high and specially bad trip: not AT ALL inspired by my own personal experiences, noooo, drugs are BAD i don't know anything about them  
> (well, I may or may not be serious, but this showed they can feel very bad too, even the lighter ones, drugs are serious and if you feel like doing some of them do it responsibly) (some of them please just stay away from them pleaseee)
> 
> anyways after this PSA, we may resume
> 
> so, lots of tension and touching here, I _wonder_ if things are escalating, huh?  
> and yeah, they're both very aware this isn't some silly crush by now and good luck for them with that
> 
> if anyone thought Sara was being too hard on herself, you are _correct_ , she really shouldn't make out with Ava like that but she _didn't_ and she cant tell that's precisely the thing because she's got some issues hehe more on that on the NEXT episode
> 
> on that note, next one is crucial, very important, we finally figure out what happened to BOTH of them and also maybe this much loved trope to balance it out hmmm
> 
> finally, i might be preparing some DELETED SCENES lmao that don't really fit inside the overall arc but I'm sure you wont mind, one of them in particular has been very sought after, i wonder what it could be
> 
> hope yall enjoyed it and arent too mad at me, i assure you we are nearly there now, thank you for all the kind words and yep see ya!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a knock on her door, bringing her back to the present, and she felt confused for a second until she remembered. _Ava._
> 
> She didn’t look up when the door opened, or when she heard her steps, closer and closer. She didn’t look up even as Ava called her name, soft and uncertain. She couldn’t deal with this too, not now. She needed to be alone. She needed space, and silence, and not feeling anything. She _needed_ not to feel anything.
> 
> There was a hand in her shoulder, and it was too much.
> 
> “I’m fine!” she snapped, making Ava jump back. “Just leave me alone.”
> 
> “I- okay,” Ava winced, and Sara wavered, a stabbing pain in her heart. _It’s better like this_. “I’m sorry, I just heard- I’m sorry.”
> 
> She could do anything but stare at Ava’s back as she made her way out of the room, every part of her body screaming for her to say something, anything, but she couldn’t. _It’s better like this, it’s better like this, it’s better like-_
> 
> Her heartbeat spiked as Ava stopped at the threshold, standing there for the longest minute of her life before taking a deep breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back? Lol
> 
> Hey yall, how have you guys been?  
> Hehe  
> Soooo... this took a while.  
> I had to leave it be for a bit because I felt it was more important to focus on more urgent matters,  
> like politics and protests and such. Not that I've been to any protests, no sir, I would NEVER... ... ...  
> But yeah, things got really serious, not only just with BLM, also democracy-wise in my country, as I had already mentioned, and now we're the new epicenter of the pandemic and the second country with over a million cases, yay for us! so much is happening here that if anyone was writing it, it would seem too far-fetched lmao  
> so it was hard to shift to a lighter atmosphere for a second there, even if this chapter _is_ the heaviest in the fic.  
> Buuuuuut I'm good now, and this is 10k long, so I hope it makes up for all that wait lmao
> 
> As I've mentioned, this chapter is different from the others, more emotional and heavy, which was weird to write because I'm not one for much drama, but I did add softness and comfort AND the _tropiest_ trope of all tropes to balance it out a bit. So it's a bit angsty, but also sweet? Lol  
> It's pretty groundbreaking for them as well, all that sharing, and it builds into the next chapter which should be a fave lol
> 
> A few things:  
> \- My bff begged me to show him the story lmao it was the first time I shared anything I've ever written IRL, at least fanfic wise, so I did some VERY serious editing and I edited it in here as well, so if anyone rereads and notices it, that was it. (I doubt it though, I didn't change anything content-wise, just a few words and phrasal structures etc)  
> \- There was _one_ change plot wise, Sara had mentioned off-handedly that her dad was a cop (for canon reasons), but I changed it back and in this chapter where that would come into play because I _seriously_ do not feel like writing about cops right now lmao apart from all the obvious reasons, the military police in my country are threatening a coup-d'Etat... So yeah. Quentin is a firefighter now o/  
> \- Believe it or not, the first 3 paragraphs of this chapter were written pre-protests. I had already planned on addressing inequality issues and that was the reason Jax was going through all that, but what happened made me shift the direction so I could address white privilege and allyship and such. As I've said, I'm not about romanticizing this moment in time.  
> \- The Deleted Scenes: for the issues I've mentioned, I preferred to focus on this chapter (which was also huge on its own), but I have plans for 2 of them to come out before the next one, and I intend to deliver, so please don't kill me I know you guys wanna read that dream LMAO
> 
> I (think) that's it, thank you thank you thank you SO MUCH for the hugeeee amount of comments, I loved them all and I'm about to answer them (lol better late than never I guess), they mean the world to me! Thank you all for the kudos and bookmarks too, I seriously love you guys (: and I know I've already said it but I saw some comments and I wanna make sure you guys know this, I am NOT giving up on writing this, there's no chance in hell lmao I'm just slower than I usually am  
> This fic has helped me so much so far and I'm so excited about the next chapterrrrrr (I think there are only 3 more to come, 4 at most?)  
> Hope y'all are staying safe  
> Even if the isolation has ended in many places, the virus hasn't gone away, so please take care <3 
> 
> (ALL) BLACK LIVES MATTER  
> TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN*  
> FORA BOLSONARO 
> 
> *and trans men are men and non-binary people are wonderful!
> 
> TW: Mentions of homophobia

If anyone had told Ava a month ago that she’d feel this distraught at seeing Sara upset, she’d think they’d lost their mind.

They had been talking about Jax, about how Sara and her friends had helped him raise nearly 5 thousand dollars on Venmo and how cheerful they’d been that he wouldn’t have to risk himself or his family – until they talked to him. While he _had_ been relieved and thankful for their support, he was not in any way _cheerful_. He had told them the only reason he’d been able to raise that amount of money so quickly was because he had many well-off acquaintances from college, a college he’d only been able to attend thanks to his Football scholarship. His community – his extended family, neighbors, old friends – was not so lucky.

He’d told them how Ricky’s, a staple dinner in his neighborhood for over 50 years, had shut down its doors for good last Sunday. He’d told them about his second cousin Irvin, who worked at one of the Whole Foods in the fancier part of town and was now in critical condition after contracting the virus, accumulating debts that he’d have no way to pay off if he recovered. How even with the government money about to come, everyone would still struggle to make ends meet in a place as expensive as Central City. How, while all of them had been complaining about nagging parents and boredom, most of the people he’d grown up with were terrified about getting sick, or worse, passing it on to their loved ones. Isolation was a privilege that his community didn’t have. “It’s not enough that they are killing us on the streets all the time,” he’d said. “Now there’s a virus killing us too? And they have the nerve to call us _essential_?”

It’s not that this was breaking news, Sara kept telling her. Just the other night, they’d talked about an article that came out on Vice on how the Black and Brown communities were disproportionally affected by the pandemic, how it was bringing back to light inequality and racial issues many people preferred to ignore. It wasn’t that she didn’t know this in theory – but seeing Jax talk like that, seeing his pain, was different. She realized they’d never talked about any of this, they’d always skimmed over it, Jax’s upbeat and playful nature making it easy for her to avoid it. She had been _comfortable_ like that, she’d found, and it shocked her.

“It’s one thing to _talk_ about social issues,” she said. “Tackling them is a _whole ‘nother_ matter. I didn’t even know what to _say,_ Ava. None of us did, except for Charlie. Because she was the only one who understood, and we’d all been too fucking complacent to get down to it.”

“I think you’re being a little hard on yourself, Sar-“

“I’m _not_ , Ava. I’m always going on and on about things, but I never even asked how _he_ felt about it,” she pleaded, shaking her head. “He’s like a brother to me, I always say that to him, but I couldn’t even be bothered to have the hard conversations.”

“Okay, yeah, you’re right, but now you understand that. So learn from it. Act on it. Be there for him, listen to him. Feeling bad about yourself won’t help anyone, least of all him.”

Sara gazed at her, a burning in her eyes that made Ava wonder if she’d said too much, but then she nodded, and the fire turned into something softer. Almost like… affection. “You’re right. You’re so right. I’m making this about myself. _Jesus_.”

“Hey,” she smiled, bumping their knees. “At least you can take a hint.”

“Yeah, at least I _know_ I’m an asshole,” she snorted, relief pouring over Ava at seeing her lighten up a little. _Yep, she was screwed._ “Thanks for calling me out, you’ve always been great at it.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” she laughed, looking at Sara and feeling the now familiar jump in her heart rate at the way her eyes twinkled back at her.

“I know we’re both joking about it, but-“ Sara started, biting her lip. “I’m glad we don’t hate each other anymore.”

Ava took a deep breath, her heart somehow beating even faster. She knew she should say something like ‘ _speak for yourself,’_ something light that would take her away from dangerous territory. Before she could even try, though, she heard herself saying “Me too,” and the silence that followed felt loaded, charged with words she was afraid to even think about.

This was getting harder and harder. It felt like a bomb was ticking inside of her, ready to go off at any minute by the littlest of things. It felt as if she’d developed some sort of arrhythmia that was triggered by one single factor.

Sara.

Everything about Sara. Her smile, her jokes, even her grumpiness most mornings. Her lips. The way she sometimes wore her hood up even though she was inside. Her dimples. The curve of her neck when she put her hair up, loose strands framing her face. Her lips. The way her smile was fading right now. The way her eyes seemed to be asking a question that Ava couldn’t understand. Her lips.

“I, uhm,” Sara said in a near whisper. “This would be terrible if you weren’t here. If I was _alone,_ I mean. Everything is so grim right now, it feels like we’ve gone full dystopia, and all the stress and the fear, and being away from everyone. It’s so much better having someone to go through it with me.”

“I’m really happy I’m here.” _Oh, shit-_ “I mean, having a roof over my head feels great,” she joked, trying a laugh that sounded too fake.

Sara gave her a thin-lipped smile and looked away, and Ava’s stomach dropped. _Damn it._

“Your company too,” she added, Sara’s eyes snapping back to hers with that same question. What? What did she _want_? “It’s great.”

Sara’s lips parted, and it looked like she was about to ask it, Ava’s heart nearly leaping from her throat, when something vibrated wildly in her lap, making them both jump. Her phone. It was her _motherfucking_ phone. 

“Shit, it’s Nora,” she groaned, shooting Sara an apologetic look. “I forgot we had a video call thing that was supposed to start 15 minutes ago.”

“It’s okay, you do that,” she answered, nonplussed. _Of course she’s unaffected, there’s nothing to be affected by. You’re the only one being weird about everything._ “I’ll stay in my room to give you guys some privacy. I’m going to text Jax, check on him, tell him I’m here if he wants to talk. Maybe we could run a story on Ricky’s, get the City Council to respond? I know a guy.”

“Yeah, that could be good,” she said absentmindedly, setting up her laptop as Sara made her way into the kitchen.

She kept doing this. Reading too much into things, letting herself get carried away by her feelings and almost jeopardizing everything. And it was happening more and more often, _all the time_ , making her wonder how much longer she could keep it together. She felt like a train about to derail, too strong, too fast. She didn’t know how it had happened in a month’s time, but she _liked_ Sara. It wasn’t just attraction, she _really_ liked her, and it kept playing tricks on her mind.

That’s not to say it _wasn’t_ sexual. The confinement, the anxiety, the fact that they were spending most of their time together, it enhanced everything. Her feminist side kept clashing with the primitive, _indefensible_ one that insisted in noticing things like the way her pants hugged her thighs, or how she had completely forgone the use of the bra-

_Jesus Christ. Stop. Being. A. Pervert._

She pushed it out of her mind, praying for the umpteenth time that this would go away, and clicked the link to the call. A wave of relief washed over her at the sight of her friends, caught in the middle of an argument. Gary’s goofy face, Mona’s soft voice, Nora’s impatient eye-rolling. It felt _safe_.

“ _Finally_ ,” said Nora. “I thought you died or something, you’re _never_ late. What happened?”

“Uhm – nothing. I just lost track of time.”

“You’re like a human clock, you’re in _charge_ of time,” Nora insisted, raising her eyebrows. Ava blanched, trying to come up with anything other than ‘I was too busy thirsting over Sara,’ but Nora beat her to it. “Whatever, I’m just glad you’re here. They were geeking really hard and I was about to die.”

“We were not _geeking_ , Gary was just saying that Tolkien basically wrote very intricate and high-quality fanfiction, so they shouldn’t have sued D&D for drawing inspiration from his work. But I think that’s too limited of a view of a ground-breaking work of world-building,” Mona said, smiling. “Hi, Ava. I’ve missed you!”

“You see what I mean?” Nora deadpanned, making her laugh. She was about to make fun of them when she felt a hand on her shoulder, and before she knew what was happening, Sara leaned over her from behind the couch, her face so close her hair tickled Ava’s cheeks, the smell of her Shampoo intoxicating.

“Hey, Nora!” _Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look-_ “Hi, Mona and, uhm, Gary?”

She looked.

She said something else, but Ava was too entranced by her smell and her skin and her hair to register it, and then Sara looked too, taking a sharp intake of breath as if surprised that Ava was there. She could’ve sworn she glanced at her mouth, the grip on her shoulder tightening just slightly, and as she looked up, there seemed to be a raw-

_You’re doing it again._

She turned her head to the screen, and just like that, time seemed to unfreeze, and it was over. Sara let go, making her way toward her room and telling them to have fun. She waited for the click of the door, allowing for her heartbeat to go down (she was bound to develop a _real_ heart condition at this rate) before getting back to the conversation.

“So…” she started, trying to keep her tone as casual as possible, before being cut off by Nora.

“What was _that_?”

Garry’s excited giggles filled the room.

\---

“How would that have stopped anything?!” Sara yelled, pulling on her hair.

She’d gotten a bad feeling as soon as the call came in. She couldn’t even remember the last time they’d talked, with her counting on her father to relay the news. The distance had actually helped them get along, making them cordial and pleasant on their text exchanges in a way they couldn’t before. So, when she saw that photo popping up on her screen, she knew something had to be wrong.

“You would help him!” came her mother’s voice through the speakers, sharp and unwavering. “Now he’s going to have to do everything by himself on top of it! This is so like you, Sara, you never think about anyone but yourself, it’s always _me, me, me_ -“

“You _know_ that’s not why-“

“No! I don’t know!” she interrupted, raising her voice. “I don’t know anything because you never talked about it. You _never_ talked to us! You think you’re the only one suffering?”

“No- I-“ she stuttered, struggling to find the words. “You left too!”

“You need to _grow up_ ,” her tone was cutting, making Sara’s throat constrict. “God knows you’ve had the time for it.”

Sara just breathed, in and out, trying to fight the guilt and the fear threatening to choke her.

“If-“ her mother started, a foreshadowing break in her voice.

“Don’t say it,” she said between her teeth, faster and louder than she thought she could.

“If Laurel-“

She hanged up, throwing her phone into her bed with a grunt and blinking out the burning in her eyes. She stayed like that, gripping at her sides, hunched over, until she was able to go sit on her bed, burying her head in her hands, her heavy breathing heating up her face. Her mind was racing, she couldn’t focus on any of the hundreds of thoughts flying through – the only thing that stood out was that need to run away from it all. Again.

There was a knock on her door, bringing her back to the present, and she felt confused for a second until she remembered. Ava. 

She didn’t look up when the door opened, or when she heard her steps, closer and closer. She didn’t look up even as Ava called her name, soft and uncertain. She couldn’t deal with this too, not now. She needed to be alone. She needed space, and silence, and not feeling anything. She _needed_ not to feel anything.

There was a hand in her shoulder, and it was too much.

“I’m fine!” she snapped, making Ava jump back. “Just leave me alone.”

“I- okay,” Ava winced, and Sara wavered, a stabbing pain in her heart. _It’s better like this._ “I’m sorry, I just heard- I’m sorry.”

She could do anything but stare at Ava’s back as she made her way out of the room, every part of her body screaming for her to say something, anything, but she couldn’t. _It’s better like this, it’s better like this, it’s better like-_

Her heartbeat spiked as Ava stopped at the threshold, standing there for the longest minute of her life before taking a deep breath. Sara snapped her eyes shut, too afraid of either outcome, and she didn’t know whether to feel trepidation or relief as the bed sagged by her side.

“Look,” came Ava’s voice, and she realized she’d been holding her breath. “If you really want to be alone, that’s fine. I mean it. But you look very upset and I want you to know that you can talk to me. I know you’re not big on talking feelings, and I’m not great at it either, but it helps sometimes. I promise I’ll leave you be if you think that’s what you need right now, but I’m here. Okay?”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, Ava’s words cutting through her defenses like a knife to butter. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I was just-“

“Hey, it’s fine,” Ava interrupted, smiling in a way that told her she meant it. “I get it. You said it yourself, we can go off at each other from time to time, right? I’m surprised we haven’t yelled _more_.”

She tried to smile, she did, but she couldn’t. This walls down thing meant that everything she was fighting down could surface, all the grief and the longing and that unbearable hurt.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk,” she continued, placing her hand on Sara’s arm. “We can just watch something or-”

“My dad’s got it,” she blurted out, surprising them both. “Coronavirus. He’s gotten it.”

“Oh my God, Sara, I’m-“

“He’s fine. For now, at least. Some of the guys at the Station got it and he got tested and it came out positive, but he’s only got flu-like symptoms so far, apparently,” she told her, trying to focus on the words and not in the feelings bubbling up in her chest. “And he’s not in the risk group or anything. I mean, he _has_ been a firefighter for over 30 years, his lungs are not the best, but I think he’ll be ok.”

“Yeah,” Ava nodded, squeezing her arm. “Was it him that you – were you talking to him?”

“No. My mom.”

“Oh. Uhm, why…”

“She was angry at me,” Sara explained. “Because I’m not there with him. They’re divorced, she lives in Chicago now, so he’s all alone.”

Ava gave her a long look, chewing on her lips.

“You don’t have any plants.”

“What?” Sara asked, frowning.

“You don’t have any plants,” Ava repeated, looking dead serious. “You said you weren’t going to stay with your parents because you had to take care of your plants.”

“Oh,” she whispered. Had she believed that? Or was she just-

“Why didn’t you go?” she asked, and Sara felt the lump back in her throat. “Was it because of me? Did you stay just so I could have a place, or…”

Sara shook her head, looking Ava in the eyes so she’d know it was true. She frowned, then asked again “Why didn’t you go?”

“I can’t,” she let out a strangled whisper.

She blinked fast, refusing to let a single tear fall, because she knew it’d mean opening the floodgates. It burned, her heart, her eyes, her lungs. That’s why she wouldn’t talk about it, _couldn’t_ talk about it. Ava seemed to see it, though, because she moved closer, shifting her hand so it rested on her shoulder, her thumb running circles over her shirt. It shattered any remaining barriers she might still have.

For the first time in a long, long time, she spoke.

“I can’t go home because she’s not there. It feels wrong,” she started, Ava looking back at her, waiting. “My sister. Laurel. She’s not there anymore, she’s…”

Ava squeezed her leg with her other hand, giving her a look that told her she didn’t need to say it, that she understood, and Sara was grateful, because she didn’t think she _could_ say it. She didn’t know if she ever had.

“I can’t go home because it’s not right and I can’t stand it, because I _shouldn’t_ be there, _she_ should. I’m the one who should be-“

“Don’t say that,” Ava cut her off, holding her gaze. The way she looked at her, like she was _good_ , sent anger flaring up inside her again. She was wrong. She didn’t see it, didn’t see _her_ , the real her, and Sara needed her to _know_.

“You don’t understand,” she growled, pulling away from her. “You don’t know anything, Ava. She had a boyfriend. Oliver. I slept with him. Not just once. All through the summer before Senior year, I slept with him for nearly three months-“

“Sara, stop-“

“No, you need to hear it,” she insisted, desperate. She needed to make her _understand_. “She was in love with him, she _confided_ in me, and I slept with him for _three months_.”

“You were what, _seventeen_?” Ava tried, but Sara ignored her.

“The worst part is, I did it out of _spite_. I was mad because I told her I had a crush on him and she started dating him anyway, and I was _so_ angry. Not because of _him,_ that’s the thing. It was _her_ , I don’t know, I was so mad that she got to have _everything,_ the scholarships, the perfect friends, the perfect _life,_ and the one thing I told her I wanted she-“ she choked, taking a deep breath. “I had an affair with my _sister’s_ boyfriend for months because of some stupid rivalry I made up in my mind.”

Ava opened her mouth to speak, but she beat her to it.

“She caught us, of course,” she continued, unable to stop speaking now that she’d started. “Maybe that’s what I really wanted, deep down, I don’t know. I honestly don’t know, because the moment she saw us I felt like I had broken the most important thing in my life.

I wanted her to scream at me, hit me, anything, but she was just silent. She wouldn’t talk to me. It was like I didn’t exist to her anymore, like she had been so disappointed that she couldn’t even find it in herself to be mad at me. And I was a _mess_. I’d _always_ been a mess, but I lost it. My counselor, my parents, no one knew what to do with me, my mother was – I don’t even know. But then I met…”

“Nyssa?” Ava asked, breaking her out of her reverie. She’d never told anyone about this, not even Zari or Ray, but the dam had broken and there was no stopping it now. 

“Yeah,” she said softly, trying to avoid Ava’s concerned gaze. “She had no time for my bullshit,” she scoffed, remembering the way she’d snapped at her when she tried to get out of doing a project they’d been assigned together. “It kind of _saved_ me, I guess.”

Ava gave her a small smile, looking almost afraid of setting her off again.

“It changed everything. My dad was ready to put up a statue of hers, even my _mom_ seemed happy with me for once, and I could feel Laurel giving me these looks when she thought I wasn’t paying attention. Then the year ended, and she was gone. We kept talking about me going overseas for a year, but I knew it wasn’t happening, and it was… sad. I was in my bed one night, feeling sorry for myself, when Laurel laid down beside me and just started to talk. I never thought I would be so happy to hear about Yale vs. Harvard for Law School.”

She smiled for the first time since she’d picked up the phone, and Ava moved her hand back to her shoulder as if bracing her for what was about to come.

“But that’s why it happened, you see? Because she came home every weekend after that, for _me_ , because she was trying so hard to make us work again,” she breathed out, starting to feel sick. She wanted to stop there, she wanted the story to stop there, but it didn’t. And Ava needed to know. “Then that Saturday – I always did the groceries on Saturdays, it was my _chore_ , I did almost every Saturday ever since I’d gotten my driver’s license. But that Saturday, I had some cramps. They weren’t even that bad, Ava, I _told_ her she didn’t need to go, but she _insisted_ , because she was trying, you know. She insisted because she was trying to get things back to how they used to be.”

She couldn’t stand Ava’s pitying look, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away. 

“She didn’t make it inside the store. Apparently earlier that day they had shot a cop, and there was _retaliation_. There was a shootout across the street, _maybe_ , I don’t know, no one knows what really happened, but she didn’t make it 20 feet away from the car. Just like that. And she was gone. So it _was_ supposed to be me, Ava, I was the one who should’ve been there, and it would’ve been right. She had _so_ many plans, you know, she was always trying to _save the world,_ and she was going to do it too. She would’ve worked for it, and she can’t now, because she was trying to fix _my_ mistake. If she wasn’t trying to make things better because I was too much of a selfish, resentful child, she would be here, and I wouldn’t.”

“Sara, this was _not_ your fault. Look at me,” Ava finally said, waiting for Sara to face her. “None of it was your fault. You made a mistake when you were really young, and it cost you precious time with your sister, so I get that it eats you up, but it wasn’t the reason for any of this. There _is_ no reason for this. You couldn’t have predicted it and you couldn’t have stopped it. It was just a mistake, Sara, and you’ve learned from it.”

She shook her head, puzzled at how Ava could keep defending her. “I haven’t learned anything, I’m still selfish and a coward and-“

“You’re none of those things.”

“Yes _,_ yes I _am,_ Ava,” she insisted, resisting the urge to shake her. “I _left_. My parents were _broken_ , and the press wouldn’t leave them alone, and the police were even worse. They had just lost their daughter, and I was supposed to be there for them, but instead, I just left them. I just deferred my admission, and in less than a month I was _gone._ And I tried to pretend it didn’t happen, Ava, I tried to pretend _she_ didn’t happen. Do you understand that?

And while I was thousands of miles away, too absorbed in my own misery, my parents split up. They couldn’t take it, I guess, but maybe if I’d been there… And then my dad had to stay in that house, all alone. In a matter of months, he lost everyone. And still, he keeps asking me if I’ll come home for my birthday, or if I wouldn’t like to take an internship over there for the summer, he never stops asking, and all I do is say no every single time.

And now he’s sick and alone, and I tried to tell myself I was doing it for him, so he wouldn’t have to see me and be reminded that he lost the _good_ one,” she gasped, finding it hard to breathe over the burning in her lungs. “But it’s just because I’m too much a coward to face it, because I miss her-“

She couldn’t talk anymore, the tears finally winning their battle against her, rolling down her face one after the other. She looked away, gritting her teeth to stifle them, feeling raw and exposed, when she felt an arm wrapping around her shoulders, pulling her in, and she was just too exhausted to fight it. She leaned in, burying her head in Ava’s shoulder and trying her best not to make a sound.

“Your father didn’t lose you, Sara,” Ava said, running a hand over her back. “I’m sure he just wants you to be okay. Everyone deals with things in their own way, and you’ve been through something terrible, but even with all this insane guilt weighing you down, you’re getting through this. I’ve seen you with your friends, and I see you be happy every day, and it takes guts to allow yourself to be happy after going through loss. And don’t you dare feel guilty about it either, you _should_ enjoy your life, you know that’s what she would have wanted, right?

And your dad, he’s going to get better, and whenever you’re ready, I know you’re going to go back. I think you’re getting there already. And he’s going to be waiting for you. You said it yourself, he’s going to keep asking until you can say yes. Everyone always says that grief is not something you get over, it’s something that you learn how to live with, and I see you doing it, you’re doing it. You’re strong, and you’re a great person, so don’t let me catch you saying otherwise again, okay? I mean it.”

Sara wasn’t sure about any of it, but she was too tired to argue, and Ava’s voice was too soothing, her arms were too warm, and it was all so comforting that she just didn’t care right now. Telling all of it to someone – to _Ava_ – was like getting something heavy off her chest, and she could breathe more easily. She hadn’t even said Laurel’s name for so long and, even though it still hurt more than anything she’d ever felt, it was good. It felt right, it filled her with love, and the good memories came back too.

They stayed like that for a while, Ava running mindless circles on her arm while her breathing stabilized, both content with silence. It was only when she started to feel closer to normal and the regret and embarrassment at her outburst surpassed the hurt that she broke it, feeling too self-conscious to look up.

“Thank you,” she said stiffly, ready to try to shrug it off and give Ava an out from consoling her. “I’m sorry, I-“

“I can’t go home either,” Ava interrupted, making Sara snap back. She looked calm, in no way indicating fatigue or discomfort as she’d assumed.

“You don’t have to say anything just because I did.” The last thing she wanted was to put any pressure on her after all this.

“No, it’s okay. I want to.”

\---

Ava never thought she would see Sara this vulnerable and heartbroken, and it killed her. The worst part was realizing the extent of the guilt and the self-hatred. While she’d sometimes let the odd self-deprecating comment slip here and there, she could never have guessed how deep it ran. She knew from experience that finding your worth was a deeply personal, nonstop journey, so there wasn’t much she could do except talk to her and try to point out the unfairness of her judgments – and it was frustrating.

She could also tell that Sara was starting to feel bad about the whole exchange, and maybe sharing her own baggage could help – both by keeping her from ruminating on her behavior _and_ by putting them on even ground. While Ava had always hated talking about this, _hadn’t_ talked about it in depth with anyone but Nora in the last few years, she found that she didn’t care now. Not with her. If anything, Sara deserved to know the reason she’d had to offer her a home in the first place.

“I never had many friends,” she said, having no idea how to start. “My parents and I were never close. My dad came from a family with a long line of Military Officers and Republican politicians, and my mom was very conservative too, so you could say they were _strict._ I had a hard time relating to them, I guess because I always knew on some level that I was _different_ , and that made it difficult for me to relate to _anybody_.

It’s not that people didn’t like me or anything, I mean, Rich Fresno is a very tiny bubble, we all grew up together and our families threw barbecue parties for one another. I just wasn’t _close_ to anyone, especially during High School. I really wanted to get into the Ivy League, so I convinced myself I was too busy for social stuff. That _did_ mean that extracurriculars were a big deal, though, which is how I ended up as Student Body President. Which also meant I had to organize Prom along with the rest of the Student Council. And that’s how Rachel and I got close.”

“Was she the girl you kissed?” Sara asked, and if it wasn’t for the faint pink in her eyes no one would be able to tell she’d been crying.

“We’ll get there. Have some patience, woman,” she drawled, patting herself on the back as Sara let out a quiet laugh. “Okay, if you don’t mind now, I’ll resume my monologue.”

She waited for Sara’s nod and continued.

“We started the meetings at the beginning of Senior year, even though Prom was set to March, because it was Fresno and there was _literally_ nothing else to do,” she deadpanned, making Sara chuckle again. _Win._ “The meetings were dreadful, absolutely pointless, everyone kept fighting about stupid things like the colors of the napkins – the theme itself, oh my God, it took over two months to decide and they still ended up with _Fire and Ice,_ I’m not even kidding,” she snorted, feeling the air get lighter with every word. 

“But Rachel didn’t give a crap either, she was only there because of her friends. She kept making these biting remarks, but I was the only one who picked up on the sarcasm, and it made me laugh every time. It was refreshing. Eventually, I started making my own comments, and it became a thing between us. It’s funny, sometimes you know a person all your life and then one day it’s like you’re _seeing_ them for the first time. Like it suddenly clicks, you know?”

“Yeah,” Sara whispered, giving her a lopsided smile.

“It happened really fast after that. I don’t even know how, we just started finding every excuse to be together, planning dress codes that we didn’t give a shit about, making budgets for paper cups. And then we didn’t need excuses anymore, we would just hang out. We became BFFs or whatever.”

“Until you kissed her,” Sara interjected, starting to look amused.

“Will you stop- _patience_ , I said.”

“I’m sorry, I just know how the whole thing goes,” she said, Ava’s stomach fluttering at her smirk. “I’m trying to spare you.”

“Thank you for your _kindness,_ ” she replied, chuckling. “You can just say if I’m boring you.”

“No, I want to know,” Sara rushed to tell her, placing a hand on her leg. “I’m sorry. Please continue.”

“Okay,” she said, losing her line of thought as she fought the urge to interlace their fingers. “I, uhm- eventually I told her. That I liked girls, I mean. I was so nervous, I had never said it out loud, but I had this _need_ to tell her. I could see she was shocked, but she kept telling me it was fine, and I wanted so bad to believe it. But then she avoided me for a week, and I was convinced I’d not only ruined our friendship but that she was going to out me to everyone.”

“Oh, no,” Sara grimaced.

“She didn’t. After that, she went back to normal, told me she’d been busy and that was that. Only she got, you know, more affectionate. It kept happening, again and again, and every time she’d get closer, until it just - _happened_.”

“Just to make it clear, you _kissed_ her?”

“Yes, Sara. God, you’re so annoying,” she laughed, surprised at how easy this was being. Time really did its thing _._ “It took a while, but eventually she admitted she liked me and wanted to be with me, but no one could ever find out or her parents would kill her. That was _not_ a problem for me, I was in the exact same situation, so we agreed to just hide it.”

Sara gave her a look that said that she still remembered how the story had started, and that she had a pretty good idea of how it was going to end.

“ _Yeah._ We had a few good months, though. I know it was far from ideal, but back then I hadn’t even dared to _imagine_ ever acting on it, so it was exhilarating. And then one night we just forgot to be cautious, and my mom had a migraine, so my parents decided to come back early from a function, and we were there, topless, on the couch.”

“ _Shit_ ,” Sara whispered, biting her upper lip.

“It was all just a blur. One second, we were kissing, and the next my mom was screaming and my dad was pulling me off from her. She threw on her shirt and fled, all the while my father kept yelling and yelling. I think that if he had thought it through, he might have tried to keep the whole thing behind closed doors, but he was so _disgusted_ by it that he lost it. I was too in shock to even hear what he was saying at first, you know? But then it got _bad_.”

“Bad?” Sara asked, blanching. “Did he _hurt_ you?”

“No,” she replied, starting to feel uneasy at last. “I don’t know if he would have or not, but in that moment, I realized I didn’t want to find out. He kept screaming and shoving me, telling me that I was sick, that I was a shame to the family, that I was _no longer_ family. He kept yelling for me to get out, so I ran to my room and started getting some clothes, but he came after me. He kept getting more and more aggressive, until I was too scared to stay there another minute.”

“Oh my God, Ava.”

“I grabbed whatever clothes I had already taken out, my laptop and my documents, and I got out. My mom was crying so hard that I don’t think she even saw me.”

“What- what did you do?” she asked, gulping.

“I drove around for a while, trying to figure out what had just happened. When I managed to calm myself a bit, I tried to think about somewhere I could go, but there was nowhere, you know, because it would mean having to explain what had happened – _why_ it had happened – and that was out of the question for me. So I drove to the school parking lot and slept in the car. I got in early the next morning to sneak into the locker room and shower, and by the time I was out, everyone was there already. I was so out of it that it took me a while to realize they were all staring at me and talking.”

“ _Oh,_ _God_.”

“Yeah,” she let out a nervous laugh. “Apparently in her panic, Rachel told her parents that I had kissed her, _forced_ her to kiss me, I don’t know, and it spread like fire.”

“Did she talk to you, or…”

“Oh, no. She wouldn’t even look at me. We never talked again,” Ava replied, pursing her lips. “I felt so _betrayed_ at first, but now I can only feel sorry for her. I don’t know what _I_ would have done if I had a chance to avoid being outed to my parents, honestly, and even though it was horrible, I’m glad I can be myself now. I don’t know if she ever got to have that, or if she ever will.”

“That’s so sad. It’s so fucked up that we can do that to people,” Sara said, and Ava was afraid she was upsetting her all over again. “What happened after that?”

“I was too screwed up to even talk to anyone, so I just kept my head down and slept in my car a few more days. I don’t know what I _would_ have done, but Mark found out and forced his parents to take me in – they were not _thrilled_ about it, but they still put a roof over my head and fed me, so I can’t really complain.”

“Wait, Mark? Wasn’t that-“

“Yes, my _boyfriend_ ,” she replied, making air quotes with her fingers. “We’d grown apart, but, as I told you, he was a good guy.”

“At least someone in this story is,” she said, frowning. “So, you just stayed with them?”

“Yeah. This was at the beginning of February, there was still a while until Graduation. But I just pushed through, I guess. Stayed out of the house as much as I could. Then the acceptance letters came, and it was like I could breathe again. I _did_ get into Yale at the end, but CCU offered me a full ride and a few benefits, so it was a no brainer.”

“ _Yale_? Well, I guess it’s no surprise, really,” Sara shook her head, pausing and giving Ava a hesitant look. Then, making up her mind, she asked “Did you ever talk to your parents again?”

“Yeah,” she replied, feeling her cheeks heating up in embarrassment. Sometimes it still felt like it was her fault, like she was too unlovable. “There was one day, after I got the letters, that I caved. I thought maybe- I don’t _know_ what I thought. My mom was the one that picked up, thankfully. She had never been warm, but she had her ways of showing things, you know? It’s her fault I like cooking so much, really, it was our thing growing up, she was really good at it and she was always trying to- she’s just not a _bad_ person. Anyway, she seemed _happy_ to talk to me, so I thought that she might like to see me, you know, just the two of us. But she just said, ‘It’s better if we don’t,’ and that was that. Never saw them again, never heard from them, and here we are. I was _lucky_ , in the end, with the full ride and everything-”

“That’s _bullshit_ ,” Sara spat, as if she couldn’t keep it in anymore. “How can a parent just- you’re not lucky, Ava, you’re a badass, you’ve worked your way here because you’re determined _as fuck_ , and if your parents can’t see what an extraordinary human being they somehow put into the world, _fine_ , but it doesn’t make what they did in any way acceptable. You should’ve never gone through that, _no one_ should ever go through that.”

“It’s okay-“

“It is _not_ okay,” she said, tightening the grip on Ava’s leg and looking her dead in the eye. “But it’s _their_ fucking loss.” The look she gave her was so intense she believed her. Her face softened as she added, “No one gets to choose the family they’re born into, but we sure as hell can choose the one we keep and I _know_ you’re going to find one that deserves you.”

They both smiled slightly at that, and she didn’t get palpitations for a change, just an all-encompassing warmth. After a while, though, she noticed the sag to Sara’s posture, a heaviness in her eyes.

“This was… _intense_.”

Sara snorted. “That’s one way to put it.”

“Do you want to sleep?”

“Yeah,” Sara answered. “But I don’t think I can right now. Could you- could you stay a little longer? We can watch something.”

“Sure,” she said, trying to quench her relief at the thought of not having to leave just yet. _As if you didn’t already spend the whole day together._

They were both too spent to make it into the living room, deciding to stay in Sara’s bed, huddled together under the cozy comforter so they could balance her Ipad on their laps.

\---

They were well into their sixth episode of Parks and Recreation when Sara felt Ava’s head rest against her shoulder, warm breath tickling her neck. She smiled to herself, deciding to wait for it to finish before waking her up.

Her insides still felt raw after the explosion of emotions from before, but where there had been despair, now there was something akin to peace. Maybe it was just the plateau after the adrenaline rush, maybe it was that she’d finally cried after so long, even if just a little – or maybe it was because verbalizing the things that had been eating at her for years had made them less terrifying. _Maybe_ Ava’s words had gotten to her after all.

Ava.

Sara had thought something like might have happened to her. During this month together, it had become clear that she hadn’t been that far off on her initial assessment: Ava had undeniably had a wealthy upbringing. That made it less likely that her parents had passed, even if there were still several reasons why she could not have gotten an inheritance. Still, it was more probable that there had been some sort of falling out, the usual suspects being politics and “lifestyle,” sometimes a mixture of both. 

Regardless of any inkling she might have had, though, nothing had prepared her to listen to Ava telling the story. The way she seemed to shrink as she got to the end, almost if ashamed, only served to amplify the unfairness of it all. How she had to experience her first love in hiding, then have it end like that; how her entire life had been uprooted just for who she was; how the people who were supposed to support and protect her turned their backs on her; how her father had almost – no, she wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ even think about that.

 _And yet,_ here she was. Top of her class, headstrong and driven, an amazing life ahead of her. She’d taken everything life had thrown at her and made the best out of it.

She glanced down, Ava’s sleeping face looking so peaceful and vulnerable it made Sara feel like she was intruding. Turning back to the screen, she realized with a start that the credits were rolling, and she’d missed the last minutes of the episode. _No surprise there,_ she sighed, shifting to place the tablet at the bedside table, shivering as Ava adjusted to it, rolling on her side and placing her hand on her stomach as if to keep her from moving. She had a brief temptation to stay like that, to pretend she’d fallen asleep too, but dismissed it with a shake of her head. _Worst idea ever_.

“Hey,” she whispered, giving the tiniest of shakes to Ava’s arm.

It only served to make her whine and bury her head further into her shoulder, sending a whole new set of flutters through her stomach.

“Ava,” she said, louder, shaking her with a little more force. “Wake up, _Sleeping Beauty.”_

She felt the vibration of her grunt all over her neck but didn’t even have time to react as Ava’s entire body tensed and she pulled away quickly, removing her hand as if burned and blushing.

“You should go to bed,” Sara said, trying to keep the strain from her voice. It was just some accidental, friendly cuddling, after all. Nothing to be embarrassed about _. Or other things._

“It’s okay, I’m not tire-“ Ava tried, finishing the last word with a big yawn and giving her a sheepish look.

“Yeah, not like you’ve been nodding off for the last two episodes or anything.”

“Just the last one!” she said, her pout mixed with all the drowsiness only making her look more adorable.

“Yeah? What’s the last thing you remember?”

“They were all falling on the ice rink?”

“That was three episodes ago!” Sara laughed, trying to focus on anything other than the fact that there was a sleepy _Ava_ lying on her bed. “Come on, it’s over 2am. Try sleeping in tomorrow, ok? I know you think you can’t go one single morning without studying, but one day is not going to kill you. On the contrary. Tonight was a lot, you’ll need the rest.”

“Yeah, sure,” Ava answered, averting her eyes.

“ _Ava_ ,” she warned, narrowing her eyes. “I mean it. Don’t think I won’t know it, too.”

“I can’t,” she said, looking uncomfortable.

“What?”

“I can’t sleep in.”

“ _Why_ not _?”_ Sara asked, frowning.

“I, uhm,” Ava started, taking a deep breath and saying it fast “I could never sleep when it’s bright and there are no blinds in the living room so I kind of have to get up when the sun does.”

“ _What?”_ Sara asked, staggered. She could have gotten some curtains ages ago. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not a big dea-“

“Of course it is! I mean, I knew you’d been waking up early, but I thought it was like, at 8 or something. There’s no way the sun has been rising after 6 am,” she continued, even at Ava’s apologetic face. “ _Ava_ , we’ve been going to bed after 1 am every day, even later most nights. You should have said something, I could let you sleep-“

“I don’t want you to,” she cut her off, biting her lip. “I like hanging out with you.”

“Oh,” she whispered. She tried not to read too much into it, doing her best not to feed that ridiculous hope that had started to take root inside her. She shook her head, getting back into the argument. “You can’t live on 3 or 4 hours of sleep, Ava.”

“I’m used to it!” she pleaded, sitting up. “I do it all the time. Seriously.”

“Is that supposed to make it better?” Sara asked, crossing her arms. She was not having this. “Look, I can sleep anywhere. I mean that, _anywhere-_ “

“ _No._ ”

“- so it’s very simple, you can sleep here, and I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“ _Absolutely_ not,” Ava said, not a sing of twitchiness anymore.

“What’s the big deal? I don’t _care.”_

“I am _not_ kicking you out of your room, and that’s that.”

“You’re not _kicking me out_ , Ava, stop being a drama queen,” she groaned, rolling her eyes. “I already sleep in there all through finals anyway, it’s _fine_.”

“ _Sara,_ ” was all she said, the slight warning in her tone telling her she was done discussing it. Sometimes she could be so stubborn, it made her want to strangle her. Or maybe kiss her, she wasn’t sure.

They stared each other down, Ava clearly looking for an out, Sara still trying to find a solution. It was then that the idea started to take form, just like that first one all those days (years?) ago, insane yet oddly appealing. It _was_ the only possible solution, after all, and she _could_ be a grown up about it, people did it all the time out of need and it didn’t _have_ to mean anything other than a convenient arrangement that helped Ava to sleep, and also, if she was being honest, she still didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts and memories and-

“Look, it’s fin-“

“You can sleep here,” she said at the same time as Ava.

“How many times do I have to say this? I am _not_ kicking you ou-“

“With _me_. You can sleep with me,” she interrupted her rant, too concerned about the butterflies in her stomach to register what she’d just said. It was only at Ava’s wide eyes and gaping mouth that she realized it, panic running through her veins as she hastily added “In this bed. I mean. We could share. The bed.”

“Sara- I don’t-“ Ava stuttered, cheeks flushed.

“Only until we can get some blinds,” she added, pushing through the hurt she felt at Ava’s clear discomfort at the thought. “It’s a queen-sized bed, we won’t even notice the other is there, and I’d think sharing a bed with me would be better than sleep deprivation,” she let out a nervous laugh. Ava scoffed, and she rambled on, trying to avoid analyzing it “It’s totally fine. Seriously. I’ve shared beds with plenty of my friends.”

“We’re friends?” Ava asked, her hopeful tone tugging at Sara’s heartstrings. _Friends._ Friends was _good_.

“Aren’t we? I mean, we spend all day together, binge watch TV together, we even cook together – sort of. And after tonight, well. I think we're way past acquaintances by now, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Ava said with a shy smile, looking lost in thought. Then she looked back, biting her lower lip and nodding. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” she repeated, looking more certain. _Oh my God._

“Okay,” she swallowed, trying not to squeal. _What did you do?!_ “I’ll just go, uhm, get ready? And then – then you can go?”

“Right,” Ava nodded, looking every bit as awkward as Sara felt. Why were they being so weird? This was normal, just two friends sharing a bed. Just her and her _friend_ Ava. Sharing a bed. Just Ava. Lying in bed. With her. _Jesus Christ._ “You go. Do that. Yeah.”

_Whatdidyoudowhatdidyoudowhatdidyoudo-_

The words kept playing in her head nonstop as she mindlessly brushed her teeth and washed her face, trying her best not to pace around the tiny bathroom. She was overreacting. Ava had just spent more than two hours lying with her on that same bed, for crying out loud. There was no difference, was there? It was just the idea of _sleeping together_ planting suggestions on her mind. She needed to get a hold of herself right now. She had meant what she’d told Ava, they were friends. Right? So what if she kept imagining very _unfriendly_ ways of sleeping with her?

She was not a teenager, for fuck’s sake, and she could take the reins of her feelings.

_Yeah._

This was the most sensible solution for Ava’s problem, and she was being ridiculous.

_Yeah._

She made her way back into the room, barely sparing a glance at Ava as she left, getting into her usual side of the bed and sliding under the covers. This was fine. This was fine, this was fine, this was…

… _not fine_ , she thought, as Ava appeared at the door, with her long legs on show and her lean arms, a tight-lipped smile on her lips as she moved in her direction. _Not fine_ , as she lifted the covers and laid down, looking slightly flushed. _Not fine_ , as Sara took in the fact that _Ava Sharpe_ was lying in her bed, looking impossibly soft and inviting, her ridiculous hair splayed out on the pillow.

“Thank you,” Sara whispered, turning to face her and swallowing hard as Ava mirrored her. “For tonight. For… you know.”

“Don’t mention it,” she replied, resting her head in her hand. “You too.”

They stared at each other for the thousandth time that night, the pull stronger than it had ever been. It was getting harder and harder not to think that Ava might feel it too, to ignore how dark her eyes would get or the way she seemed to glance down at her lips every few seconds. Sara didn’t know, but that might be even _more_ terrifying than the alternative.

“Good night,” Ava said, her husky voice sending a jolt between Sara’s legs, making her flip onto her back at once.

“Good night,” she answered to the ceiling, failing to keep the shudder from her voice. It took her a few seconds before she managed to take a deep breath and turn off the bedside lamp, sending them both into darkness.

She thought it would help, not being able to see her, but it seemed to only intensify her other senses. She could hear each one of Ava’s strained inhales, she could smell her scent as if her face was buried in her neck, she could feel the heat emanating off her body as if there was no space between them. She couldn't help but imagine how their bodies would feel flushed together, Ava’s breathing hot on her neck as she threaded her fingers through her hair, pulling her even closer.

She admonished herself for being a creep, but it was impossible not to wonder if Ava was thinking the same thing. That mere thought was enough to send tingles all over her body, and she had to strain all her muscles to keep the tension coiling on her lower abdomen from expanding. She was an atheist, but she’d never wished so much there was a God out there that could strike her down at that very instant.

It took an active effort to keep her breathing steady, but, eventually, she managed to calm herself down, and Ava’s own breathing evened out as she fell asleep, undoubtedly overtaken by the exhaustion of the night. Sara found herself entranced by the rhythm of it, trying to give in to her own fatigue and find some much-needed oblivion, but, as her mind slowly shifted from Ava, the other feelings started to flood back, keeping her awake.

She didn’t know how long she stayed like that, nearly drifting off when she’d be startled by jolts of anxiety, heart picking up as convoluted images assaulted her head. Laurel crying, her father coughing, Nyssa’s sleeping figure, her own tears falling into Ava’s shirt. She gave up on sleep eventually, too scared of dreaming, and turned on her side, facing away from Ava to suppress the impulse to seek comfort in her again.

The movement must have stirred her from her slumber, because the next thing Sara knew, she felt her shifting behind her, her arm sliding against her middle. Her breath hitched as Ava’s entire body pushed against her.

She didn’t breathe for the next five minutes, refusing to bask in the feeling of the smooth skin of her legs against her own, the slight press of her chest as it expanded with air, the weight of her arm on her stomach. She tried not to think, not to picture an alternative universe where she’d be able to interlace their fingers, to roll back her hips, to wake her up with small touches and quiet words.

She stayed there, frozen in place, too afraid to risk waking Ava up and too unsure to trust her own body. She stayed there, muscles taut to the point of snapping, for minutes and minutes on end. But Ava’s arms were too soft, her body was too warm, and before long, she found herself leaning back, her limbs loosening up and her mind beginning to fog. She gave in, just a little, running her arm over hers and placing their hands together, pretending just for a moment that they lived in that other dimension.

She let herself go, feeling their bodies melt together, welcoming sleep with the sudden certainty that none of her demons could touch her now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol
> 
> So, after I was nearly done with this chapter, I realized it would work better if I split it in half, but it had already taken me soooo long to post that I thought you guys would prefer reading the whole thing lol so I just posted like this and whatever.  
> I edited this SO much, it was a lot longer at first, but I did not want it to be just info-dump, so I cut out most of what they told each other and kept only the most essential parts (especially for Sara's part, because she was way more distraught and also more biased). Still, it ended up with a huge amount of dialogue, but I really wanted it that way because I don't see them just casually brushing over past traumas, and this brings a whole next level of intimacy for them.  
> I also felt very sorry for them both :( glad they have each other 
> 
> The heaviness is pretty much done, and I _know_ you guys will loveeeee the next chapter, so see you guys later (it appears I might be done with my endless tests (at least for a while), even if I still haven't finished my semester, so that might mean a faster upload? fingers crossed)
> 
> Love you guys PLEASE yell at meeeee (this time you guys have reasons to actually insult me and I think that's absolutely fair lmao)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No need to worry, _love_. I could do this with my eyes closed and they’d still thank me for it.” Her skin prickled. Loud. British. Insufferable. She’d recognize that voice anywhere.
> 
> “You’re so full of yourself,” Sara let out a big, easy laugh, and her stomach plunged. 
> 
> _Constantine_. 
> 
> More than her natural dislike for him, what with his boisterous, arrogant act and his reckless behavior, it was the ease in which he had called Sara ‘ _love_ ’ that left a bitter taste in her mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, intense idiocy ahead.

**(5:57pm) Z:** Oh boy, u got it baaaad

i have no idea what youre talking about

 **(5:59pm) Z** attached a photo

She’d known what this was about the moment she saw the message, of course. Had been expecting it, really, ever since she’d shared the damn thing.

It was a selfie, technically. She was there, on the lower-left corner, grinning and making a peace sign at the camera. But the actual subject was her background. Mainly, _Ava_.

She’d fallen asleep while studying earlier, sliding down the couch and dropping Sara’s Ipad on her face, looking way too adorable for her to resist taking a photo. She had intended it as something to tease her about later, but it came out so funny she’d felt she had to post it.

Sara had always been a private person, especially after her High School years, but there was something about Ava that she wanted to share with everyone. She wanted them to _know_ how amazing she was, how funny and smart and driven and goofy and _cute_ she could be. She supposed a part of it had to do with the fact that she’d helped cast a very inaccurate image of her, with all her complaints and the name-calling and the jokes. But it wasn’t _only_ that.

A big part of it was just resounding admiration.

She knew her friends would find it strange. Out of character, maybe. She knew they already had at least _some_ suspicions and would give her hell about it, as Zari had just evidenced.

She just didn’t _care_ anymore.

fine 

**(6:01pm) Z:** WHAT

did you lose your ability to read during quarantine

 **(6:01pm) Z:** Aaaakjsdnakjsnajksfna

should i be worried youre having a stroke or

 **(6:02pm) Z:** Omg

i dont get why youre acting so surprised

you literally came to talk to me about this

 **(6:02pm) Z:** I never expected u to admit itttt

 **(6:02pm) Z:** Which means this must be a HUGE deal

 **(6:02pm) Z:** Even more than Id thought

 **(6:03pm) Z:** Especially since its coming from u

gee thanks

 **(6:03pm) Z:** U know what I mean

 **(6:03pm) Z:** Ur always

 **(6:03pm) Z:** I DONT DO FEELINGS

well i dont

 **(6:03pm) Z:** Imagine you ADMITING them!!!

i do actually it feels like sHIT

 **(6:04pm) Z:** Dont be like thattt

 **(6:04pm) Z:** This is greattttt

 **(6:04pm) Z:** Im happy for u!

…

 **(6:024pm) Z:** Did something happen??? Did u guys

 **(6:05pm) Z:** U know

no

and were not going to

 **(6:05pm) Z:** What

 **(6:05pm) Z:** Please dont start with this

im NOT starting anything tahts the whole point

 **(6:06pm) Z:** Sara smh

 **(6:06pm) Z:** WHY?

 **(6:06pm) Z:** Can u at least try to explain?

zari

i dont wanna talk about this

ok?

 **(6:06pm) Z:** Saraaa dont do this

 **(6:06pm) Z:** U need to talk about things sometimes

 **(6:07pm) Z:** Everyone does

 **(6:07pm) Z:** Remember when u basically forced me and Charlie to work our shit out

 **(6:07pm) Z:** It changed everything

 **(6:07pm) Z:** So let me repay u

 **(6:08pm) Z:** Thats an ORDER

 **(6:08pm) Z:** Spill

 **(6:09pm) Z:** Please?

Sara glanced back at Ava’s now Ipad-free face, feeling the familiar warmth as she took in her small pout and arching eyebrows. She was afraid talking about this would make it even _more_ real, or, worse yet, that Zari would convince her to go for it – because, truth be told, she couldn’t think of anything scarier than either outcome of that, be it rejection or actually starting something with Ava. In fact, just _imagining_ the latter was enough to give her palpitations.

 _On the other hand_ , she was going insane trying – and completely _failing –_ to handle this by herself. It was getting harder every day, her self-control crushed under the constant desire to both jump Ava’s bones _and_ engage in tooth-rotting activities like _snuggling_.

She knew she was at her breaking point, past it, even, having spent this last week jumping at every excuse she could find to touch her, her feelings amplified tenfold after opening up to her, her body practically sizzling with all that pent-up sexual energy.

Maybe talking about it could provide her with some insight on possible strategies. Maybe Zari could come up with useful suggestions. _Maybe_ , just like talking about Laurel had made her grief seem more manageable somehow, putting this into words would loosen its hold on her too.

arghhh

okay

well

first of all

nothing CAN happen if she doesnt want it too

 **(6:11pm) Z:** Oh pleae

 **(6:11pm) Z:** Please*

 **(6:11pm) Z:** Anytime the two of u were in the same room

 **(6:11pm) Z:** It was like she was physically incapable of looking anywhere but in ur direction

yeah okay lol

 **(6:11pm) Z:** We all noticed it Sara

 **(6:12pm) Z:** And u two were always trying to grab each others attention

 **(6:12pm) Z:** U were like little boys in elementary school

 **(6:12pm) Z:** Pulling on each others pigtails

no we werent

 **(6:12pm) Z:** U were always like AVA IS SO ANNOYING

 **(6:13pm) Z:** DID YOU NOTICE WHEN AVA BLABLABLA AVA THIS AVA THAT

stop

**(6:13pm) Z:** OMG LOOK AT HER DID YOU SEE THIS WAIT HERE IM GONNA GO FIGHT AVA

 **(6:13pm) Z:** AVA AVA AVA

OK FINE I GET ITTTTTT

 **(6:14pm) Z:** It was gross ngl

i said i get it can we please move on

 **(6:14pm) Z:** We actually talked a few times u know

 **(6:15pm) Z:** Me and ava

 **(6:15pm) Z:** She was nice

 **(6:15pm) Z:** She was only bitchy to u

 **(6:15pm) Z:** And she kept mentioning u alllll the time too

 **(6:16pm) Z:** AND shes always checking u out

 **(6:16pm) Z:** Theres no way in HELL u havent noticed it

lets say

hypothetically

that she was maybeee attracted to me

it wouldnt change anything

 **(6:19pm) Z:** Uhmm did I miss something

 **(6:19pm) Z:** How would it not

 **(6:20pm) Z:** Im pretty sure thats exactly how these things work

 **(6:20pm) Z:** Girl meets girl girl likes girl girl likes girl back

 **(6:20pm) Z:** Minus the fighting Id say u guys are spot on

becauseeeee

were completely different people

shes like

the girl you take home to meet your parents

shes got everything figured out and ready to go

and im

me

 **(6:22pm) Z:** Thats bullshit and u know it

its the truthhh

and she knows it too

weve gotten really close ok

she knows everything there is to know about me

mainly that im a fucking mess

theres no way shed want to actually have anything with me

 **(6:23pm) Z:** If shes got any brains

 **(6:24pm) Z:** Which I know for a fact that she does

 **(6:24pm) Z:** She can see how amazing u are

 **(6:24pm) Z:** Ur literally the only person in the planet who thinks that about urselfff

you should meet my mom

 **(6:25pm) Z:** Dont try to change the subject Sara

z

all my relationships have a way of ending BADLY

 **(6:25pm) Z:** WHAT relationships??

 **(6:26pm) Z:** U mean the ones you had when u were a TEENAGER?

all the more reason then

i dont even KNOW how to have a relationship

well put

 **(6:27pm) Z:** Ur rly annoying when u want to be

its just

were friends now

for real

and i really like her okay

i dont want to mess it all up

this is not just some fling or whatever

shes really important to me

i dont wanna lose this

her

i dont wanna lose her

 **(6:28pm) Z:** Look I get it

 **(6:29pm) Z:** U knowwww I do

 **(6:29pm) Z:** Its a risk

 **(6:29pm) Z:** And its scary

 **(6:29pm) Z:** But ive been there and ive found that its WELL worth it

 **(6:29pm) Z:** Come onnn

 **(6:30pm) Z:** Its u

 **(6:30pm) Z:** Ur one of the bravest people ive ever met

were stuck together zari

indefinitely

what if it all goes to shit

or what if she thinks she HAS to be with me

just because im giving her a place to stay?

 **(6:32pm) Z:** Oh come on

 **(6:32pm) Z:** Its Ava Sharpe were talking abt

 **(6:33pm) Z:** Give her some credit

 **(6:35pm) Z:** Sara just

 **(6:35pm) Z:** U dont need to go in all guns blazing

 **(6:35pm) Z:** Just

 **(6:35pm) Z:** U know

 **(6:35pm) Z:** TALK to her

i don’t know z

its not that simple

argh i feel like im losing my mind

seriously

i don’t know how much longer i can do this

things are getting a little

intense

and shes tooo fucking

oh

shit

johns calling me

we got a project thing

 **(6:39pm) Z:** Okay but just

 **(6:39pm) Z:** U dont need to have it ALL figured out

 **(6:40pm) Z:** Just think about what I said

 **(6:40pm) Z:** Oh I knowwww

 **(6:40pm) Z:** Invite her tonight

 **(6:41pm) Z:** So i can have a better assessment of the situation on her side

ok ill think about it

i really gotta go

well talk later xx

and zari

thank u

She looked at Ava one more time, her mind racing with Zari’s words. There was a lot to think about, scenarios to consider, maybe even some decisions to make. But not now. _Now_ she needed to discuss the influence of the US Foreign Politics on the Meiji Restauration with John.

This could wait, just a little longer.

\---

She felt like she was floating, gliding through heavy clouds as she drifted in and out of sleep. She’d just been somewhere nice, somewhere happy, the memory of white sand and golden skin slipping between her fingers, standing just out of reach. As the seconds – minutes? – went by, she became aware of sounds, faint and distant.

She could feel something moving on her leg, slowly recognizing it as fingers tracing the hem of her pants. Before long, she reached full consciousness, realizing exactly whose fingers were those, and whose lap her legs were resting on.

It didn’t startle her.

The thing was, she was getting used to waking up to Sara’s touch. None of them acknowledged it, of course – Ava was pretty sure Sara wasn’t even aware of it since she was out of the bed way before the other girl could even think about stirring – but every morning this week had started with tangled limbs, smashed bodies and loose grips. The first time, she had nearly jumped out of her skin, getting skittish around Sara all day long. But, as it kept happening, the fear of being caught started to fade, and she began allowing herself more minutes of that heavenly semi-slumber each day.

It wasn’t _comfortable_ , of course, not with the ceaseless strain needed to keep herself from deepening the embrace or running her fingers through Sara’s hair. Not with the constant battle to keep her mind from wondering if Sara’s hugs meant anything other than her being a secret cuddler. No, it was far from comfortable, and far from what she _really_ wanted. But that didn’t mean it didn’t feel _good_ , and _maybe_ , if she could just get over herself, it could be enough.

Now, just like all those mornings, she decided to stay like that for a couple more minutes, giving in to the feeling of Sara’s mindless caresses, too reluctant to open her eyes and face reality just yet. For a while, she could pretend there was no coronavirus, no political crisis. No unrequited feelings. For a while, she could relax and bask in untainted bliss.

That is, until she finally paid attention to those sounds.

“No need to worry, _love_. I could do this with my eyes closed and they’d still thank me for it.” Her skin prickled. Loud. British. Insufferable. She’d recognize that voice anywhere.

“You’re so full of yourself,” Sara let out a big, easy laugh, and her stomach plunged.

 _Constantine_.

More than her natural dislike for him, what with his boisterous, arrogant act and his reckless behavior, it was the ease in which he had called Sara ‘ _love_ ’ that left a bitter taste in her mouth. Because she knew for a _fact_ that they had slept together _at least_ once - and not too long ago either - since it had broken Gary’s heart and he had gone on and on about it for an entire month, to her chagrin.

At the time, she had attributed her intense displeasure to John’s careless behavior towards her friend. What had confused her was why her resentment had extended to _Sara_ as well. She had tried rationalizing it, telling herself it was because it was yet another sign of how inconsiderate she was, even as a tiny voice in her head kept saying that Sara didn’t even _know_ Gary.

Now, though, hearing her laughing with him, that feeling was so intense there was no way not to recognize it for what it was. She was _jealous_.

She knew she had no right to feel this way, not even if she’d been dating Sara, _especially_ not as her friend, but that did nothing to prevent it from digging its claws at her heart. She hated jealousy, the whole concept of it, with its roots in possessiveness and insecurity, but she’d always struggled with it.

This wasn’t only about that, though. What ate at her was not so much the idea of Sara being with someone else, but that _she_ couldn’t have that. _She_ didn’t get to call her _love_ , or kiss her, or make flirty jokes. It had been eating at her harder than ever this week, because she knew she wanted _more_ , and their increasing closeness – both physically and emotionally – wasn’t helping with the intrusive thoughts running through her mind 24/7, all those _what-ifs_ and the conjured images of what it would be like.

She knew she was being unreasonable – she should just be there for Sara without wanting anything in return, like any good, supportive friend would. Sara had done too much for her as it was, and she had been through _so much_. She didn’t need Ava’s pinning guilt-tripping her as well.

She _knew_ all of this, yet the feeling persisted, intensifying her self-directed anger.

Sara said something she didn’t catch, and then there was that laugh again, piercing through Ava’s chest so hard she snapped her eyes open. It surprised her every time, how breathtaking she was, especially when laughing. This time, though, her lopsided smile and her playful eyes felt like a stab, a reminder of what she could never have. She shifted her legs, trying to get some impulse to sit up, needing to get away from there, to find her footing again.

“Oh, hey! Did I wake you?” Sara asked, pressing her hand down on her calf and looking impossibly soft, tearing at the punctures on her heart. “I’m sorry, I was going to take this in the room, but you looked so comfortable and I just, uhm-”

“Uh, no, that’s fine,” she said, trying to keep the strain from her voice. She was being _ridiculous_. Sara had nothing to apologize for, she was the one overreac-

“Ooh, is that _Sharpie?_ Did you say she looked _comfortable_? That’d be a first.” 

She took a deep breath, willing the anger down and grinding her teeth to try and keep herself from saying anything she might regret.

“ _Shut up_ , John,” Sara spat, shooting her an apologetic look. “Don’t mind him, he’s being an _asshole_ today because his _friend_ is trying to make him quit smoking.”

“It’s _fine_ ,” she repeated, pulling her legs away and ignoring Sara’s frown, reaching for her phone to find any form of distraction – not that there was a whole lot to see there, she was by no means an avid texter and her only social networks were Facebook and LinkedIn. There were a few messages from Nora, at least. She opened them, expecting to find complaints about Ray’s douche twin or his overbearing mother, but there was only a picture, followed by ‘ _cute.’_ A picture from Sara _’s_ Stories. A picture of _her_ , fast asleep, with the caption ‘Hard at work'.

She could feel the anger spiking inside of her. She wasn’t even sure why. It might have been that this wasn’t _meant_ to be cute, not how Nora was suggesting, or how she desperately wanted it to be. Maybe it wasn’t even about the picture at all, it was just _Sara_. Sara with her smile, her touches, that ease around her, _making_ her fall harder every day. Sara, flirting with John in front of her, not even aware of anything, not even guilty of anything at all, so Ava couldn’t even be upset at her. It was _everything._ And she couldn’t handle it anymore.

“You posted a _picture_ of me?” she asked, harsher than she’d intended. Sara straightened at the tone, eyes wide.

“John, I- I gotta go, we’ll finish this tomorrow, okay?” She told him after a second, turning back to the screen. Ava heard him start to say something, but Sara just closed the laptop and looked back at her. “Ava, I’m sorry, I… I didn’t think you would mind, it was only to my Private Stories. I mean, I was going to-“

“Just because I’m living in your house doesn’t mean you get to make fun of me.” She knew herself well enough to understand that she was looking for a fight, but she was too damn tired of restraining herself to try to stop it.

“ _What_? I wasn’t _making fun_ of you. Look, I didn’t know it was a problem, and I know I should’ve asked you, but it’s not that unusual for people to share photos of their friends and-“ Ava scoffed at the word. She could feel Sara staring at her, but she didn’t dare to look up. Her anger was starting to turn into despair, and she knew she needed to cool down, before she did something stupid. “What? What is it, Ava?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s clearly _something_ ,” Sara pressed, moving closer and reaching for her shoulder. “Just talk to-“

“I just need some _space_ from you!” she snapped, Sara snatching her hand away as if burned. She finally looked up, catching a glimpse of hurt that made her regret her outburst immediately. Before she could say anything, though, Sara took a deep breath, schooling her features into an impassive expression.

“Okay. You got it.”

“Sara, I’m- I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s fine, Ava,” she interrupted, her gaze sending chills up Ava’s spine. She could practically see all the walls that had slowly crumbled during the past month and a half rising back up in the blink of an eye. “I understand. We _have_ been spending a lot of time together. I’m sorry for overstepping.”

She wanted to take it all back, she wanted to tell her she never meant it, that this was all _her_ fault, but she couldn’t. If she started it, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to hold back all the things she’d been keeping from her, and that would make it even worse. So she just nodded, struggling to keep her voice steady as she asked, “Is it okay if I stay in your room for a while?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ve got a thing with my friends, anyway. I’ll stay out of your hair.”

Not knowing what else to do, she got up, dragging herself towards the room, too much of a coward to look back. She didn’t know what scared her the most, seeing the hurt again or that steely gaze.

***

It was hunger that got her out of the room, in the end.

As soon as she’d calmed down, not even thirty minutes after the whole exchange, her desperation was replaced by a latent, insidious dread, an almost certainty that she’d ruined everything and an unwavering need to make it better somehow. She didn’t want to go to sleep like that, to give those walls she’d seen any chance to consolidate, but she had no idea _how_ to fix it, and, truth be told, she was terrified of trying, so she stayed in there for hours, digging her nails into the palms of her hands and fantasizing about time travel. Her stomach, though, paid no mind to her fears, and by the time it was 11pm, it had enough.

She found her still on the couch, Ipad on her lap, listening to her friends talking over one another. She didn’t look up, but Ava could have sworn she saw her shoulders tightening as she stepped tentatively out of the hallway.

She stood there for a second, waiting for any sort of acknowledgment of her presence, but Sara just went on talking and tapping on her tablet, so she made her way into the kitchen, chest feeling heavy. It was late, and she was too hungry to cook a full meal, so she started making a grilled cheese, glancing back at Sara every five seconds to see if she’d turn around.

She didn’t.

“Do- do you want a sandwich?” she tried after a few minutes, when her anxiety got the best of her. She hated the way she sounded to her own ears, that fake, passive-aggressive nonchalance, bypassing the elephant in the room. _Just like her mom._

“I already ate, thanks,” Sara answered without looking back, her curt, detached tone squeezing at Ava’s heart.

 _Fuck_.

Her hunger disappeared then, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. She finished it up mechanically, her mind racing too fast for her to focus on anything. She’d been exhausted all week long from fighting those treacherous urges, so stressed out she’d cleaned every part of the apartment at least twice by Thursday. _This_ , though, was far from a respite. It offered her a glimpse of what it would be like to lose what they already had, and she found it was _a lot_ worse than suffering for wanting more.

The best – and only – strategy here was a full-on, honest apology, she could see that clear as day. The thing was, she didn’t know _how_ to do it. Saying “I’m sorry” for every little thing? Yes, that she could do. Apologizing when it actually mattered? Not so much.

She ate her sandwich at a glacial pace, staring at the back of Sara’s head while alternating between chewing on her food and on her nails, stalling as much as she could. By the time she had finished it, though, she had given herself a mental pep talk on facing her fears and owning shit up, building enough determination to make her approach, coming to a stand behind the couch while Sara went on pretending she was invisible.

She leaned over, just enough to glance down at the Ipad where Sara was staring intently, realizing they were playing some sort of Pictionary- _esque_ game. She looked at the terrible figure being drawn on the screen, something resembling a bowl of spilling noodles, tilting her head as she noticed whoever it was drawing tiny balls at the tips of the noodles, with ‘Y’ shapes coming out of them. It hit her then.

“It’s Medusa,” she blurted. She could see Sara tensing up, frowning at the screen. She seemed to hesitate, but before she could do anything, the time was up, a box popping up to tell them Ava had been right.

Sara’s frown deepened, but Ava wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ give up now, so she stayed there, staring at the screen and analyzing the new drawing as if her life depended on it. It was an upside-down, irregular triangle with an S-shaped base, made with much neater lines than the one before. As soon as someone – _Zarlie –_ began connecting parallel lines from top to bottom, she figured out it was a harp, telling Sara at once.

This time, her hesitation was much briefer, and Ava could see an almost imperceptible smirk on her face as the box told them they were the first ones to get it right. She barely had time to feel any relief before the tension was back to Sara’s shoulders. She stayed like that for a moment, chewing on her lips, until she turned to face her at last.

Ava was expecting anger, annoyance, a warning for her to back the hell off, that glacial stare from before _at least_ , but all she saw in Sara’s eyes was confusion, hurt and – _maybe_ – fear, and it knocked the air out of her. 

She didn’t waver, though, trying to convey with her eyes the apology she couldn’t bring herself to say right now. Sara seemed conflicted about it, and they stayed like that, having an entire conversation with only their gazes, completely ignoring the new drawing on the screen. She had almost given up hope when Sara gave a small nod, shifting and opening a space for her by her side, allowing her to breathe again. The air between them was still loaded, but she could feel a wave of relief washing over her as she sat down.

She could fix this.

They got their focus back on the game, Sara getting the next one – Donald Duck – right, and before long their competitive side kicked full force, making them lose themselves in the game faster than she could have anticipated. It made for a nice distraction, and it seemed to alleviate the tension between them little by little. Sara’s friends noticed her presence soon enough, Nate getting butthurt that only him and Jax were playing on their own, prompting an argument about the perks and downfalls of couplehood whose implications made Ava tense up in a whole different way.

She had already figured out weeks ago that she and Sara made a great team when they weren’t too busy antagonizing each other, so it came as no surprise when they rose up the ranking, spending the last part of the game with a lead so large they couldn’t lose even if they stopped playing altogether – something that Sara insisted on pointing out every two minutes, to Nate’s despair and everyone else’s annoyance – except for Ava, who could only feel reassurance about seeing her smiling again.

“And don’t you guys forget who’s the _boss_ here,” Sara said just as the last round ended and they were officially declared the winners, turning to high-five Ava with a shit-eating grin, the very same grin that used to exasperate her before. Now, it had quite the opposite effect, and she was so entranced by it that, as their palms met, she couldn’t help but interlace their fingers, her heart thrumming at how perfectly they fit together. Something flashed in Sara’s eyes, and whatever it was seemed to snap her out of her triumphant daze. She pulled her hand back to her lap, averting her gaze and sending Ava’s stomach plummeting again.

_Did you really think it would be that easy?_

She could barely pay attention to the goodbyes, reciting generic words when prompted and keeping her eyes peeled on Sara. If she hadn’t spent all that time with her, getting to know _all_ her little tells, it would have been hard to see there was anything amiss with the way she kept her tone light and the gloating jokes coming. But Ava noticed how her fingers kept pulling on the seams of the couch, how she kept tapping her toes on the floor, how her shoulders seemed to curl inward just a little.

“And Sara, please text me back about those computer issues you were telling me about, okay?” She heard Zari say. “You know? The ones we were talking about earlier today?”

“No need,” Sara said, a cutting edge to her voice that made Ava frown. “I fixed it.”

“What do you – really? Are you _sure_?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, uhm – well, okay.” There was something weird about the whole exchange, something that she couldn’t quite put her finger on, and Sara hadn’t mentioned any problems with her laptop, but she had bigger things to worry about now than a cryptic conversation between longtime friends. “Goodnight then. I’ll call you tomorrow anyway, alright? Bye, Ava-”

Sara closed the window before she could answer, throwing the tablet to the side a little more forcefully than usual. They stayed there in awkward silence, avoiding each other’s eyes, the tension so thick she could’ve cut it with a knife. It felt almost _worse_ than before the game, against all her hopes, and she knew that she couldn’t put off her apologies any longer. She had to do it.

“I’m gonna-“

 _Now_.

“I think this calls for a celebration,” she said instead, panicking, her high-pitched voice grating to her own ears. _Shit._

Sara shot her a questioning look. “Uhm, I’m actually not-“

_Oh for Christ’s sake._

“ _And_ for me to make it up to you. For before,” she let out, taking a deep breath.

“It’s okay, Ava,” Sara said, averting her eyes once again and locking her jaw.

“No, it’s not. I’m really stressed out with everything lately, and John just rubs me the wrong way, and I took it all out on you. I’m really sorry, Sara,” she said it at last, finding it a lot easier than she’d anticipated. It felt _good,_ even. She just wished Sara would look at her, to see that she was telling the truth.

“Well, I snapped at you last week, it’s only fair,” Sara said with a dry chuckle, still staring at the floor.

“It wasn’t the same.”

“ _Ava_ , it’s _okay_ to want space,” she insisted, her voice small. “I know I have been _a lot_ lately and-“

“ _No_ , Sara, I didn’t mean it,” she interrupted, wanting to kick herself. Sara carried so much guilt, of course she would think this was about her opening up, and not _Ava_ being an asshole. Of course she would blame herself, it’s what she always did. The urge to reassure her, to stop her from crawling back into her shell was so strong that she couldn’t resist reaching out and placing her hand on top of hers, feeling the tension on her fingers. “Not _at all_. I-“ Sara looked up, finally, her blue eyes boring into Ava’s soul. She was so _fucking_ beautiful Ava almost let everything out right then. _I want to obliterate any inch of space between us. I want to hold you so tight neither of us can breathe. I want to kiss you so hard we forget we even need to breathe._ “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry,” she said instead.

Sara’s face softened, making Ava want to cry out in relief, and she nodded. “Okay,” she whispered, giving her a small smile that told her things were going to be fine. She stared into her eyes just a little longer, finding it difficult to look away.

“Can I _please_ go prepare our celebration-slash-apology now?”

She could see the corners of Sara’s mouth lifting. “What are you gonna _do_?”

“Well, duh, I’m going to _cook_. What else?”

“Ava, it’s almost _one_!” she said, her smile turning into a full-blown laugh that melted Ava’s heart all over again.

“We’re in quarantine. There _is_ no time anymore,” Ava said, getting up before she screwed everything up by kissing her. “Don’t look, okay? it’s a surprise!”

She knew just what to make.

\---

Sara could barely hear Ava’s cooking over the pounding of her own heart. Every day since the moment she’d realized she liked Ava had been _crazy_ – before then even, every minute since she’d decided to approach Ava in that lecture hall had been one curveball after the other.

Tonight, though, was something else.

She’d gone through so many cycles of emotions in so little time that she was finding it hard to even identify them. Want, affection, hope, doubt, hurt, anger, guilt, fear, confusion. She’d made about a hundred resolutions per hour, going from making a full-blown confession to absolute withdrawal. It had been maddening enough for her to try cutting off _all_ their interactions for good.

And that wasn’t even taking Ava’s behavior into consideration. If her own feelings had been disorienting, Ava left her _dumbstruck._ She’d spent all week analyzing every detail about their interactions, every single glance and touch and smile, and she’d been almost certain at times that she wanted it too. But earlier, she’d looked so _annoyed_ at her it reminded Sara of her old self. And she’d asked for space, _screamed_ for it, the desperation in her voice so evident it broke Sara’s heart. There was no way to reconcile both things.

Except she’d then proceeded to act the opposite of someone needing space. In fact, just as Sara had finally found it in herself to put some distance between them, Ava had pushed back so insistently she’d cracked. Ava told her she hadn’t meant what she’d said, that she had just been upset about other things, and Sara had believed her. But that didn’t explain that look of anguish that Sara _knew_ had been directed at her.

There was only one thing she _wasn’t_ confused about: Zari’s advice – which she had seriously considered taking just hours before – was _bullshit_. Tonight, she’d gotten a taste of both feeling rejected by Ava _and_ having a fall-out with her, and it wasn’t something that she was willing to risk happening again, especially not in an even larger scale.

She was _happy_ with what they had. Yes, there was always a part of her wanting more, but for the most part, she was satisfied. She enjoyed Ava’s company, their meals together, their games and their talks, she enjoyed teasing her about the sappy movies she loved. She enjoyed counting on her for support and learning how to talk about her feelings while still getting to laugh so hard her stomach hurt.

Whatever it was that she was missing, it wasn’t worth jeopardizing all that for. And she sure as hell couldn’t take one more _ounce_ of feelings before she lost it, either. Friendship was safer, and calmer, and it had much more potential to last.

She kept going over all of it, her mind stuck in an endless loop like a broken record, so absorbed by it she didn’t notice the house turning silent again, and she didn’t hear the footsteps breaking that silence, and she barely acknowledged the sweet smell of chocolate getting stronger. She didn’t even see Ava before there was a plate being placed in the center table in front of her.

Then she looked at it, and she couldn’t think about anything anymore, overtaken by the swelling of her heart.

Talking about Laurel that first time had been like opening a lid on her heart, and all sorts of little things about her had started spilling out. She’d told Ava about their favorite tree, a centenary Oak that had been around since before Star City was founded which they loved to climb, racing to the top a thousand times until the day she took a nasty fall and broke her arm; or how Laurel had covered for her every time she got in trouble at school, forging her mother’s signature so many times she had perfected it; and how one time when Sara was twelve they’d spent an entire week ignoring each other after fighting over which one of them Dean Winchester would pick as his girlfriend, which had culminated with her yelling that Laurel was too boring for him.

She’d also mentioned, fondly, how Laurel would try to compensate for her difficult relationship with her mother by making pancakes for her – chocolate chip with whipped cream and chocolate syrup, her favorite – every time she was feeling low, or as a celebration for even the smallest of her achievements. She had started doing it when Sara was still a child, and it had become a staple of their relationship, a comfort Sara had missed after their fallout and that she’d never gotten back.

It was only now, staring at their fancy-looking counterpart, that she realized just _how much_ she’d missed it.

She noticed the chocolate ganache replacing the Hershey’s syrup her sister had always used. The uneven, melted, bite-size pieces of what she assumed was the expensive Swiss chocolate she had bought as a treat for them. The airy looking cream that _definitely_ didn’t come from a can.

It was so different from Laurel’s pancakes, so much like _Ava’s_ , and that made it even better somehow.

“Sara?” she heard Ava’s voice, who must have sat down by her side while she’d been gawking at the plate. “ _Fuck_ , I overstepped, didn’t I? I’m sorry, I just wanted to make something special after treating you like – and I remembered and I thought – _shit,_ I don’t _know_ what I was thinking, it wasn’t my place, I’m sorry. I’ll take it-“

“No,” she said, struggling to get the words past the lump in her throat, stopping Ava from reaching over with a hand to her wrist, finding it hard to peel her eyes away from the pancakes. “It’s _perfect._ ”

She looked up, taking in Ava’s face, a bite to her lower lip and frowning eyebrows, a vulnerability to her eyes that tugged at her heart. This whole thing was so fucking _soft_ that she couldn’t remember any of her doubts for a second, all she could see was _Ava_.

 _Ava_ , laughing at a silly joke she had just made. _Ava_ , rambling on and on about the origins of Balsamic vinegar, a speck of flour on her chin. _Ava_ , trying to contain her irritation when she interrupted her studies for the tenth time, with nothing to say except proclaiming her boredom. _Ava_ , running her fingers through her arm as she cried. _Ava,_ building up her confidence before she called her father, waiting for her with an expectant smile and fresh pasta as she came out of her room, her shoulders a hundred pounds lighter. _Ava_ , always so-

“ _Perfect_ ,” she whispered again, her body moving of its own accord. It was she could do to veer her head a little to the side so her kiss met Ava’s jaw instead of her lips. She let it linger for a moment, committing the scent and the feel of her skin against her mouth to memory before pulling back with a shudder.

Her stomach dropped as she saw the shock on Ava’s face, her doubts crawling back in. Her mind raced, trying to figure out if it was best to shrug it off with a joke or to change the subject altogether and act as if it never happened. She couldn’t come to a decision, though, because the next thing she knew, Ava was lunging forward, startling her so much she closed her eyes.

She didn’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved as she felt her lips on her face, just where Sara had kissed her. It was barely a peck, far too quick, but it still left her skin tingling, and the only thing running through her head was that she wanted _more_. She glanced at Ava as she moved back, her eyes downcast, a cute blush to her cheeks.

They could still pass this off as a friendly gesture.

Just some reconciliatory affection.

But there was a burning at the spot Ava’s mouth had touched, and she could still feel Ava’s skin under her own lips, and then Ava looked up at her and she saw her want reflected back at her, and this was one thing _too_ _many_. She couldn’t stop herself anymore.

She still had _some_ amount of self-control left, just enough not to pull her in for a _proper_ kiss, aiming for her cheek instead, allowing _Ava_ the chance to stop this if she wished to. Her heart thundered, her hand moving up to cup Ava’s face, her ears too overtaken by the whooshing of her own blood flow to hear Ava’s gasp as she kissed her again, inching closer to her mouth.

She held her breath as she retreated, time seeming to stand still as she waited for Ava’s reaction, but only seconds passed before she reciprocated, her lips pressing harder this time, leaving a moist trace on her skin.

This felt like a dance, she thought as she kissed the corner of Ava’s mouth, her breath hitching as she realized there was only one last step to their _adagio_.

Ava took it, as Sara knew she would, moving closer, her hand mirroring Sara’s and sending a shiver down her spine. After the twin kiss, she didn’t even pull back, just shifted her head to the right until they were breathing into each other’s mouths, their lips so close Sara could almost taste her. She had never wanted anything more than to close that gap, yet she hesitated.

She had never feared anything more than this either.

“ _Sara_ ,” Ava pleaded, snapping something inside of her. 

She grabbed her face with both hands, smashing their lips together. She barely had time to register how soft and full her lips felt before Ava’s fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her impossibly closer as she opened her mouth, and all coherent thought ceased to exist.

The only thing she knew was how warm her mouth felt, how perfectly wet and sweet it was. It might have been a minute or it might have been a year, their lips sliding against each other, but then their tongues met, and Ava moaned, and she felt it in her bones, and she needed to hear it again and again and again. She needed this, needed _more,_ more touch and more skin, it was like all of the want she had tried to repress for almost two months had been condensed in this moment, hitting her at full force and leaving her drunk with her smell and her taste.

Instinct took over, and it was her time to moan as she straddled Ava’s lap, shuddering at the feel of her body underneath. They were both panting now, hands roaming desperate over arms and legs and digging into their backs. This felt so good, so, so, so good, better than it had ever felt, so good she didn’t think she could _ever_ get enough of it. She pressed down, her mind in a haze, their moans echoing as Ava’s hips bucked up to meet hers.

It was Ava’s hand that brought her back, her fingers scolding under her shirt, sending shockwaves through her core as they slid across her stomach and down again, starting to press under the top of her pants.

This was fast, _too_ fast. “Ava, wait,” she tried as her mind started working again, her voice raspy and breathless. “Wait, wait, wait-“

“It’s okay,” Ava whispered, looking at her with unfocused eyes, a heavy flush on her face that sent butterflies up her stomach. She kissed Sara again, making her almost forget about taking it slow, but she managed to push her back with a hand, resting their foreheads together and trying to hold back. “It’s _okay_ ,” Ava repeated. “Just this _once_.”

She staggered back, Ava’s words like a stab to her chest.

 _Of course,_ she thought, sliding from her lap into the couch, finding it impossible to look at her anymore. _Of course_ this was a one-time thing for Ava _. Of course_ she didn’t see her as anything other than a one-night-stand – that _was_ her thing, wasn’t it? Why would Ava expect anything else from her? And why would she _want_ to, at that? Hadn’t she said that to Zari herself earlier? She was a train wreck. Damaged goods.

This was her own fault, for allowing herself to hope for anything other than that, for projecting her own feelings onto Ava, for letting _this_ happen when she knew perfectly well that there would be no going back for her. There would be no way to forget the taste of her mouth, the feel of her hands on her skin, or the sounds she made when Sara dig her fingernails on the nape of her neck. She’d opened the damn box, eaten the damn fruit. _It was over now_.

She scrambled up, not even registering Ava’s startled questions, the words just a buzzing to her ears as she made her way into her bedroom. This was _it_ , she couldn’t do this anymore, she couldn’t take it back and she couldn’t pretend and she couldn’t contain this unrestrained desire now that she’d let it loose. _It was over_.

Her bed felt cold, her room felt cold, _everything_ felt cold now, but she could get used to it again, she could get used to it as long as she didn’t have that constant reminder of the warmth she was missing. Maybe she could go stay with her father. No matter how hard facing _that_ would be, staying here _had_ to be worse, and she would never allow _Ava_ to go.

No, this was her fault and she would handle it.

Her stomach lurched as Ava stormed into the room, looking distraught. Sara had been right before, she’d hit her limit on emotions tonight. She couldn’t take any more of this. 

“What happened?” Ava asked, standing a few feet from her as if she was too afraid to approach her. “What did I _do_?”

“Nothing, Ava,” she said, startling herself on how hoarse her voice sounded. “Just let it go, _please_.”

“No, Sara, I can’t _let it go,_ not after-,” Ava insisted, making up her mind and moving closer, kneeling to face her. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Okay? _Please._ ”

“I-“ Ava started, making no move to get up. “Is this about before?”

“Ava-“

“Or- was I being too pushy? You were asking me to stop and I kept insisting and-“

“What?” she asked, thrown for a second by Ava’s troubled expression. “ _No._ I told you already, you didn’t do anything. This isn’t about _you_.”

“Then what _is_ it about? Just tell me what happened so I can _fix_ it.”

Sara locked her jaw, shooting her a look that said she was done talking about this.

“ _Fine_ ,” Ava said, standing up and taking a step back. It looked like she was going to turn around and leave, and Sara allowed herself to feel relieved for a second, but then she blurted, “If you didn’t want it, _why_ did you kiss me?”

Sara just stared at her, staggered.

“ _Fuck_ , no, that’s bullshit, of course you can change your mind, you have no obligation to – I just thought, _fuck_ , I really thought you wanted it, Sara. I _really_ did. I just don’t understand _what-“_

“Are you _kidding_ me?” she snapped, anger flaring up inside her. Ava just _had_ to press her, she couldn’t respect her wishes, she couldn’t give her the space she asked for, _no_ , and then of course she wouldn’t see what was right in front of her face, of course she would _force_ Sara to spell it out for her. “I didn’t _want_ it?”

“I-“

“I was literally sitting on your _lap,_ Ava!”

“But you asked me to stop,” she insisted, stumbling back when Sara got up as well. “You- you _left-“_

“Oh _God_ ,” she groaned, running a hand through her face. 

“Why are you getting so upset? I’m just trying to understand! First, you kiss me, then you storm out – I mean, if you wanted it then _why_ did you-“

“ _Because_ I can’t do this with you, okay?!” she all but yelled in despair, too miserable that this was happening to try and measure her words, too hopeless to try to stop them, too heartbroken to even feel anything at Ava’s wounded expression. “I just can’t-“

“Okay-“

“-be your freaking one-night stand, Ava. I _can’t_.”

She waited for the comprehension to set in, waited for Ava’s face to turn into discomfort, embarrassment, or maybe even _pity_ , but all that she saw was the hurt turning back into utter confusion, making her groan again. This felt like one of those nightmares where you ran and ran and didn’t move anywhere.

Ava opened her mind to say something, but changed her mind midway and closed it again, her frown deepening. “Why not?”

Sara scoffed, resisting the urge to strangle her.

“What?”

“Are you _really_ going to make me say it?” she asked, hating the plea in her tone. _Please don’t make me say it._

“I don’t understand-“

“Oh, for _fuck’s_ sake! Because I _fucking_ like you, Ava,” she spat, too exhausted to keep this up any longer. “I _like_ you. There. I’ve said it. Can you _please_ let this go now?”

“You _like_ me?”

“How can this _possibly_ be a surprise to you? Do you seriously not notice how I get around you? I _kissed_ you, Ava! _Jesus,”_ she cried out, wondering if this could get any more humiliating.

 _“_ I thought _you-“_ Ava started, looking out of sorts. _“_ Why the hell do you think _I_ wanted a one-night-stand?”

 _This could not be happening_.

“Because you _said_ so!”

“ _No_ , I _didn’t_.”

Sara frowned. “You literally said, ‘ _just this once,’_ Ava.”

Ava stared at her for a second, and then she honest to God _laughed_ , a loud, high-pitched laugh that had Sara feeling both angry and uncertain. “I wasn’t talking to _you_!”

“What?”

“I was talking to _myself,_ ” she said matter-of-factly, as if she’d just offered a perfectly good explanation. At Sara’s persisting frown, though, she started rambling, “When you told me to wait, I thought you were going to say it was a bad idea because we were _friends._ I thought you were going to let me know it wouldn’t mean anything, to make sure things wouldn’t get weird, you know? And I _knew_ it would _kill_ me if we just had sex and went back to normal, I _knew_ it would, because _I_ like you, but I was trying to convince myself it would be okay, because I _really_ wanted to keep kissing you and…”

Sara stared at her the whole time, her heart hammering in her chest.

“Oh my _God_ ,” she finally said, Ava taking in a deep breath, her eyes jumping to meet hers. “You’re an _idiot_.”

Ava laughed again, biting her lip. “ _Yeah.”_

She didn’t know who moved first, maybe they both did at the same time, and then Ava’s arms were pulling her in, and they were kissing again, and she was pinning Ava against the wall, standing on her toes to deepen the kiss, grabbing at her waist to ground herself, her mind still reeling, the words ‘because _I_ like you’ playing on repeat.

Ava seemed to be going through the same thing.

“You like me,” she whispered, grinning against her lips.

“Of course I like you, you _dumbass_ ,” Sara said, unable to stifle her own smile. It seemed ludicrous to her now that she had _ever_ disliked Ava.

Ava laughed, pulling her between her legs, their bodied flushing together, their kisses getting deeper and deeper.

_Fuck._

The fire from before came back, stronger, and she couldn’t help groaning as the memory of grinding into Ava’s lap flashed through her brain. The heat kept pooling in her belly, _fast_ , and she was having a hard time holding back with the ridiculous noises Ava kept making and the slow, tantalizing way she was kissing her. Her kiss, it was something else. It made her dizzy, lightheaded, their mouths seemed to _fit_ , and the way she kept sucking on her tongue left her entire body humming. She’d never gotten _this_ worked up from something as simple as kissing before. Sure, all the pinning and the torturous, accumulated tension had to be helping, but there was no denying how maddening, how impossibly good this felt.

She stepped back, attempting to put some space between them, but it only gave room for Ava to move, and move she did, grabbing Sara’s hand and pulling her towards the bed.

 _Fuck_.

She found it in herself to resist just as they reached it, Ava sending her an inquisitive look as she felt her pull back.

“If I get on that bed with you, there’s no way I’m stopping,” she offered.

“I don’t want you to stop,” Ava said, giving her such a pleading look it would have made her laugh were it not for the darkness in her eyes.

“Tonight has been way too much,” she said. “I want you to think about this. To be _sure_.”

“I _am_ sure, Sara,” she said, managing to pull her a little closer. “ _So_ sure.”

She swallowed. “I don’t want to do this on impulse. I’ve always done everything on impulse and, _well_. I just- let me take you out on a date.”

“What?” Ava laughed.

“Take you _in_ on a date, I guess,” she said. “Tomorrow night. I’ll – well, _you’ll_ cook, if you don’t want to have cereal as the main dish-”

“Sara-“

“I’m _serious_ ,” she insisted, feeling vulnerable under Ava’s gaze. “I want to do the whole thing, okay? We- we _live_ together. I mean, what if-“ she stopped, trying to get a hold of her insecurities. Ava didn’t need to hear all that. “I don’t want to rush things.”

“I’m pretty sure we’re not breaking any speed records here,” Ava chuckled, straightening up at Sara’s glare, groaning as she added, “You’re right, I _know_ , you’re absolutely right. I just _really_ want this. I’ve _wanted_ this. For so long.”

“Me too,” she whispered, going week in the knees. “That’s why I don’t want to risk it.”

“Okay,” she said, biting her lip. “Can I just have one more kiss?”

Sara smiled, leaning down and joining their lips, amazed that this was something she could do now. She tried not to think about how familiar Ava’s mouth already felt. How _right_ it felt.

“Before you say anything, _I’m_ sleeping on the couch,” she said as she stepped back, Ava already opening her mouth to protest. “I don’t want you yawning all through our date tomorrow.”

“I won’t-“

“It’s non-negotiable,” she said, planting a peck to her cheek and turning around before she could change her mind. “Goodnight, Ava.”

“Goodnight, Sara,” she heard her say, an unmistakable longing that sent her heart racing all over again.

She kept reliving every moment of the night as she rolled around on the couch, too high on adrenaline to fall asleep. She didn’t want to lose a single second of it, not even the bad ones, she wanted to remember it all. There was only one thing she tried to avoid thinking about: how strange it felt to sleep without Ava by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....................  
> hehehehehe
> 
> Hey there! Good afternoon?  
> Hope you guys haven't suffered too much, I seriously wanted to murder them the whole time I was writing this.  
> It wasn't even supposed to go like this, not entirely, it was supposed to be a somewhat smoother sailing. But, as I've told you guys time and again, I DO NOT control these fuckers and they are absolute dumbarses.  
> Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut  
> FINALLY?  
> I mean, I can't say there WON'T be any more idiocy, but I think it's safe to say that there will be much less idiocy?? They are LEARNING how to communicate after all they at least know they both like one another, so that takes a bit of the strain of their insecurities, I suppose.  
> A quick PSA, I actually hate jealousy in real life and it's not a trope I dig, I don't like to romanticize it and I hope I haven't done this here. It _is_ a very real feeling that comes up a lot in most relationships, though, so I think it should be approached in fiction - but people have to _deal_ with their jealousy and never take it on others. I'm not sure that's something I'll get to fully explore in this fic so I wanted to make it clear that in this universe it's something they'll work through lmao
> 
> Next chapterrrrrr is the one you've all been waiting for (along with this one, obvs), their first date (omg sooo cute shut up already) and other thingsssssss WHO CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE WHAT and and and I'm so excited I could cry lmao anyways, hope you guys enjoy it because after all this pinning it's what we all deserve (including them, even though it could've happened much sooner if they weren't jackasses).
> 
> You guys might have noticed that I've finally defined the number of chapters for this, which means there are only two more chapters for this main fic ( I'm both like yay and nay about it) hehe BUT, I'm also planning an epilogue (that will be awesomeeeeeee but I don't wanna spoil anything hehe), I just don't know if I'll post it as a separate story or as a late chapter 10 yet, and the main part WILL be finished (I JUST WANNA MAKE THIS A COMPLETE STORY AT LAST PLEASE ALLOW ME THIS), so...  
> There are ALSO gonna be deleted scenes, I have at least ONE double/triple shot sexy time story planned, so, stay posted hehe even after this is officially completed.
> 
> nowww, last but not least  
> YES I'm aware this took forever lmao I have about a billion reasons for this, so I'm not gonna list them here, but they range from medical conditions to family surgeries and an insanely and unexpected busy schedule.  
> I've said it a thousand times, but people still ask me about it, so, just to be clear, I WILL NOT DROP THIS STORY lmao it would literally kill me to give up on something, I'm intolerant to it hahaha and I do love this story and I know how heartbreaking it can be to have your fic unfinished from (lots of) personal experience.  
> It might take me a while, though, because life is a bitch and the world is collapsing, and, also, I'm not writing in my native language, and that makes it all a bit slower. I'm happy to say that the retina problem I had is healed and I can now spend 15h staring at a computer screen again, so it MIGHT not take as long as this? Can't promise but, as always, I'l try my best.
> 
> Anyway, hope y'all are doing good, it's a sad world we're living in but we can't stop fighting hehe thank you all immensely for the comments and everything else, I'm honestly FLOORED by all the support you guys have shown me! I haven't responded to all of the comments because I had a limited amount of time I could read/write daily, but now I'm back to full power and I'll try answering them!
> 
> Missed you lovely folks dearly <3
> 
> See y'all later


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